10 Perfectly Normal Signs That You Are A New Mum
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1) You obsess about poo
Who knew that a perfectly normal woman, who used to pride herself on her dinner party chat, can now spend so much time talking, texting and thinking about poo? Everything from colour to consistency, volume, frequency, smell and where the hell do those seeds come from?
2) You marvel at your baby’s ability to perform an Exorcist-style projectile vomit
This will happen at least once – it’s the rule. After coming down from your hysteric attempts to stem the flow and stop it hitting the sofa, the cat or anything else that
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happens to be within a three meter radius at the time, you will look at your baby and wonder how one tiny being could have contained so much liquid. Then you’ll have to sit down and feed them all over again – joy!
3) You become that woman who flicks through 50 photos of their baby on their phone when really one would do
They were only asking to see a picture because it’s polite. Put the phone down…now…
4) You teach your baby to do cheers, then realise it makes you look like an alcoholic
Yeah it was cute at Christmas to do a family
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‘cheers’, but when they start doing it every time you take a sip of coffee, it’s not so good – especially in public.
5) You forget everything…instantly
Your brain will turn to utter mush and you will lose the ability to retain information. Here’s a typical scenario: Have conversation with partner over breakfast about your plan to pop to the shops and do they need anything. They say yes, and list one or two things. Three hours later, you’re at the shops and haven’t the faintest idea what it was they needed. Cue phone call to partner
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who then thinks you’re either stupid, or weren’t listening.
6) You never travel light, and never will again…ever
You won’t even leave the house without at least six nappies, a full outfit change and the kitchen sink for the first year.
7) You wear big pants
Even those of us who ALWAYS wore matchy matchy skimpy undies will succumb to big cotton pants for at least 2-3 months. It’s just the way it is. But be warned…it’s hard to go back.
8) You go to bed fully clothed
Even if you’ve always slept naked, you will end up wearing a
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bra to bed (if only to save the sheets from being drenched in milk in the middle of the night), and it’s just plain weird to wear a bra to bed and no pants – unless you are Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex in the City, who always seemed to have sex with her bra on. Not that you’ll be having sex – ha!
9) You are astounded at your body’s ability to sprout hair
Maybe it was always there, but you had more time on your hands to keep it under control. Nevertheless, post-baby, you will watch in horror as your bikini line creeps towards your knees, and
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your chin decides to cultivate a new crop of whiskers. Then there’s the thought of having a brazillian again…not happening!
10) You get really irate at childless people parking in parent and child spots
Pre-baby, perhaps you did this yourself on the odd occasion, but now? Hell hath no fury like a woman with a child, robbed of a marginally wider parking space.
Image Credit: thepeachpeddler via Creative Commons
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Susan Horn - 30 Jul 15
1) You obsess about poo
Who knew that a perfectly normal woman, who used to pride herself on her dinner party chat, can now spend so much time talking, texting and thinking about poo? Everything from colour to consistency, volume, frequency, smell and where the hell do those seeds come from?
2) You marvel at your baby’s ability to perform an Exorcist-style projectile vomit
This will happen at least once – it’s the rule. After coming down from your hysteric attempts to stem the flow and stop it hitting the sofa, the cat or anything else that happens to be within a three meter radius at the time, you will look at your baby and wonder how one tiny being could have contained so much liquid. Then you’ll have to sit down and feed them all over again – joy!
3) You become that woman who flicks through 50 photos of their baby on their phone when really one would do
They were only asking to see a picture because it’s polite. Put the phone down…now…
4) You teach your baby to do cheers, then realise it makes you look like an alcoholic
Yeah it was cute at Christmas to do a family ‘cheers’, but when they start doing it every time you take a sip of coffee, it’s not so good – especially in public.
5) You forget everything…instantly
Your brain will turn to utter mush and you will lose the ability to retain information. Here’s a typical scenario: Have conversation with partner over breakfast about your plan to pop to the shops and do they need anything. They say yes, and list one or two things. Three hours later, you’re at the shops and haven’t the faintest idea what it was they needed. Cue phone call to partner who then thinks you’re either stupid, or weren’t listening.
6) You never travel light, and never will again…ever
You won’t even leave the house without at least six nappies, a full outfit change and the kitchen sink for the first year.
7) You wear big pants
Even those of us who ALWAYS wore matchy matchy skimpy undies will succumb to big cotton pants for at least 2-3 months. It’s just the way it is. But be warned…it’s hard to go back.
8) You go to bed fully clothed
Even if you’ve always slept naked, you will end up wearing a bra to bed (if only to save the sheets from being drenched in milk in the middle of the night), and it’s just plain weird to wear a bra to bed and no pants – unless you are Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex in the City, who always seemed to have sex with her bra on. Not that you’ll be having sex – ha!
9) You are astounded at your body’s ability to sprout hair
Maybe it was always there, but you had more time on your hands to keep it under control. Nevertheless, post-baby, you will watch in horror as your bikini line creeps towards your knees, and your chin decides to cultivate a new crop of whiskers. Then there’s the thought of having a brazillian again…not happening!
10) You get really irate at childless people parking in parent and child spots
Pre-baby, perhaps you did this yourself on the odd occasion, but now? Hell hath no fury like a woman with a child, robbed of a marginally wider parking space.
Image Credit: thepeachpeddler via Creative Commons
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Susan Horn lives in Melbourne, Australia. Before children, Susan worked in PR and Marketing Communications and was a complete Triathlon geek. She is currently a full-time Mum who squeezes a bit of exercise in between indulging her chocolate and coffee habits.
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