10 signs you’re dangerously close to being Mumsy
1
This morning I received a message from an excellent friend of mine who also happens to own a baby. She was distressed. She explained how she had just been lying in bed feeling very smug, thinking about all of the Hoover bags she will be able to purchase with her salary when she returns to work.
Hoover bags. This is the girl who always wears shoes you wish you owned. The girl whose nail colour you copy and whose bag you borrow. The girl who, as students, after a big night, I would witness quietly and elegantly (in a wobbly kind of a way) exit a bus on
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our way home from a club, 12 stops early, so she could puke privately down a side street.
One baby later and look at her. Fantasising about Hoover bags. Getting one step closer to becoming, dare I say it, Mumsy.
This really struck a chord for me.
Last week I honestly typed these words into Google:
‘Where to buy seamless pants that are comfortable too.’
Suddenly I’m being bombarded with ads on Google for beige trousers and Stannah stairlifts. I deserve nothing more. What the hell has happened to me?
Each day I get about 30 minutes
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in total when the kids are occupied in some way. Extremely valuable ‘take a breath and drink a hot coffee’ time. Sometimes I might even push the boat out and sit down for five minutes. The other day I chose to spend this precious time writing a very serious email to Ocado. ‘Two bags of potatoes have arrived with my delivery’, I typed, ‘when actually I ordered only ONE bag’. A few lines later and I hit send with a flamboyant and harder than necessary finger tap as if to say ha! Now tell me what you’re gonna do, Ocado! *Pulls smug
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face.
And right then it hit me. This awful, dreaded feeling. I had just spent some of my life writing to a supermarket about fucking potatoes. Potatoes. I could have spent that 10 valuable minutes ordering a much needed new outfit off Asos. Booking a holiday. Planning a trip away with the girls so we can get pissed and wobble off some more busses. It was my ‘Hoover bag’ moment. Am I officially Mumsy now?? When did I become such a bore?
The day I gave birth is when.
But there is still hope. My advice to my friend was that we should be very
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grateful that we can recognise our uncoolness. It means it is not too late for us. We simply have to do something drastic to balance things up. A new tattoo perhaps? Do we take up wrestling? And next time Ocado send me more potatoes than I ordered, I’m just gonna fuckin’ EAT them all up yeh you heard me right.
I don’t think we’re alone here. And so was born the list below. Read and take action immediately if any sound familiar. You are welcome.
10 signs you are dangerously close to being Mumsy:
1. You read household product reviews on
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Ocado before purchase.
2. You WRITE household product reviews on Ocado after purchase.
(64 reviews on Waitrose Essential Toilet Roll at last count, I mean wtf?!)
3. You have a secret board on Pinterest entitled, ‘organised cupboards’
4. Your underwear is extremely comfortable. And big. It just seems to be getting bigger, and you don’t really care.
5. You have had at least three lengthy conversations about steam mops and how great they are.
6. You have Frozen songs in your head at all times, even when you are up during the
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night.
7. When asked to arrange a night out with the girls, you have no idea where to go.
8. You haven’t had a pedicure since the summer and the polish from that is still on your toes. Just.
9. Putting on a statement necklace feels like a big deal. As does wearing heels.
10. You shout ‘look! Sheep! BAAAA!!’ when you drive past a field. No children in the car.
Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?
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Anna Hughes - 12 Feb 15
This morning I received a message from an excellent friend of mine who also happens to own a baby. She was distressed. She explained how she had just been lying in bed feeling very smug, thinking about all of the Hoover bags she will be able to purchase with her salary when she returns to work.
Hoover bags. This is the girl who always wears shoes you wish you owned. The girl whose nail colour you copy and whose bag you borrow. The girl who, as students, after a big night, I would witness quietly and elegantly (in a wobbly kind of a way) exit a bus on our way home from a club, 12 stops early, so she could puke privately down a side street.
One baby later and look at her. Fantasising about Hoover bags. Getting one step closer to becoming, dare I say it, Mumsy.
This really struck a chord for me.
Last week I honestly typed these words into Google:
‘Where to buy seamless pants that are comfortable too.’
Suddenly I’m being bombarded with ads on Google for beige trousers and Stannah stairlifts. I deserve nothing more. What the hell has happened to me?
Each day I get about 30 minutes in total when the kids are occupied in some way. Extremely valuable ‘take a breath and drink a hot coffee’ time. Sometimes I might even push the boat out and sit down for five minutes. The other day I chose to spend this precious time writing a very serious email to Ocado. ‘Two bags of potatoes have arrived with my delivery’, I typed, ‘when actually I ordered only ONE bag’. A few lines later and I hit send with a flamboyant and harder than necessary finger tap as if to say ha! Now tell me what you’re gonna do, Ocado! *Pulls smug face.
And right then it hit me. This awful, dreaded feeling. I had just spent some of my life writing to a supermarket about fucking potatoes. Potatoes. I could have spent that 10 valuable minutes ordering a much needed new outfit off Asos. Booking a holiday. Planning a trip away with the girls so we can get pissed and wobble off some more busses. It was my ‘Hoover bag’ moment. Am I officially Mumsy now?? When did I become such a bore?
The day I gave birth is when.
But there is still hope. My advice to my friend was that we should be very grateful that we can recognise our uncoolness. It means it is not too late for us. We simply have to do something drastic to balance things up. A new tattoo perhaps? Do we take up wrestling? And next time Ocado send me more potatoes than I ordered, I’m just gonna fuckin’ EAT them all up yeh you heard me right.
I don’t think we’re alone here. And so was born the list below. Read and take action immediately if any sound familiar. You are welcome.
10 signs you are dangerously close to being Mumsy:
1. You read household product reviews on Ocado before purchase.
2. You WRITE household product reviews on Ocado after purchase.
(64 reviews on Waitrose Essential Toilet Roll at last count, I mean wtf?!)
3. You have a secret board on Pinterest entitled, ‘organised cupboards’
4. Your underwear is extremely comfortable. And big. It just seems to be getting bigger, and you don’t really care.
5. You have had at least three lengthy conversations about steam mops and how great they are.
6. You have Frozen songs in your head at all times, even when you are up during the night.
7. When asked to arrange a night out with the girls, you have no idea where to go.
8. You haven’t had a pedicure since the summer and the polish from that is still on your toes. Just.
9. Putting on a statement necklace feels like a big deal. As does wearing heels.
10. You shout ‘look! Sheep! BAAAA!!’ when you drive past a field. No children in the car.
Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?
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Bristol based writer and mother of 2 small people aged 2 and 4. Regular finder of banana in her hair and raisins in her shoes. Follow if you fancy an honest but (hopefully) smirk inducing account of real life mothering. No frump, no fluff, just the (occasionally harsh) truth.
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