10 things I’m grateful for

Katie Draisey - 23 Jul 18

I’ve been a bit of a grumpy cow recently. I can’t deny it. I’ve been smiling, I’ve been laughing, but I’ve also been crying and boy have I been moaning about life. So I’m going to try to change my mindset and write a list of just some of the things I’m grateful for at the moment.

1. My Friends

Starting big, as I’m honestly not sure where I’d be without them right now. Not all of my friends understand me. In fact I’ve lost a fair few in recent months as a result. But I’m grateful to them all, past and present. They’ve either taught me something or supported me (and continue to support) through some hard times. I’ve made some fantastic memories with them and I can’t wait to make more.

2. My boys

I may not always like them or enjoy their company (let’s face it, children are dickheads sometimes) but I love them with all of my heart and am grateful every day that I was able to have them. Yes, I struggle with them sometimes. They spent a day a few months ago just sat in their play tents playing on their kindles while I just sat in my armchair and mostly stared into space. They even had their lunch in the tents as I just couldn’t adult that day. But you know what? They thought it was awesome. And we have plenty of other good times to make up it.

3. Books

The written word has become my therapy. I think it always has been, I just lost it for a while for a number of reasons. But books just make me happy. All those words, those thoughts, those stories. When my ex lived here we didn’t have much space and so most of my books ended up in the garage. The book cases got cupboard doors put on and all character was lost. At the beginning of this year I pulled all of those books back out, took the cupboard doors off and all of my books (plus some new additions) are back on display. All of those authors put their hearts and souls into those books and I just love having all of that in my house, waiting to be read or re-read. Just looking at my books makes me feel happier.

4. The Sky

OK please don’t think I’m a total nutter for this one, but what’s not to love? As I type this it’s a clear blue sky on a summer’s evening with the moon shining already. Last night the clouds were stripy across the sky, but they equally fascinate me in any other shape. I adore staring up at the stars on a clear night. And my absolute favourite sky is when it’s a mix of all types, blue sky and grey clouds with sunlight shining through. I figure if the sky can’t even work out how it feels, then it’s OK for me to feel that way sometimes too.

5. My House

My house is a fucking mess. I complain about it every day but don’t have the time or energy required to really get down to sorting it out. But you know what? So. Fucking. What? I have a house. I have a (reasonably) nice house. It could be nicer. But it sure as hell could be a lot worse. I’m so lucky to be able to raise my boys in this house, a short walk from school, shops and friends. And I need to remember that next time I want to throw something across the room in a fit because of the mess (not that I would ever do that of course).

6. Gin

Did I mention I quit drinking in March? Yeah that idea went to hell after lasting all of 6 weeks. But my old favourite (wine) has now been fully replaced by gin and I can’t work out how I didn’t discover it sooner! Maybe because, in my head it had to be plain old gin and tonic and, while that’s OK it was never quite to my taste. I like it more now, but I’ve also discovered a whole array of gins and mixers and am now fairly certain I could live to 100 and still not have discovered them all! Yes, there’s a element of a relaxing drink at the end of the day, but there’s also the social element to trying new gins that I didn’t have so much with the wine (sorry wine connoisseurs, I never cared THAT much for it). Maybe one day I’ll give up drinking again. Maybe I’ll also give up….

7. Chocolate

HA! Chance would be a fine thing. Ain’t ever gonna happen. A life without chocolate is just….nope, can’t think about it so I won’t.

8. Coffee

Because I still need a shot of liquid caffeine to have any hope of functioning. I know I shouldn’t be reliant on it, I know I should drink less crap and more water, etc etc. And I do try. I just also don’t want to beat myself up when I don’t manage it. Speaking of…..

9. Water

I think I’m not the only one who can say they take this for granted. If I’m thirsty I can just pour myself a lovely glass of nice, clean water to drink. And in the summer what do I complain about (sometimes)? It’s too warm! FFS. I know I’m not the only one to complain about the taste of warm water and how much nicer it is in the winter when the pipes are cold and so the water comes out cold. But let’s just take a minute. We’re complaining that our clean water isn’t the correct temperature? Fuck. My. Life. Next thing we’ll be complaining when the hot water doesn’t work…..no wait, we do that too. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a bitch when that happens and I can’t see me NOT complaining next time it does. So please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m just going to take extra time to be grateful for the water I have, because so many others aren’t as lucky.

10. My Family

A gratitude list wouldn’t be complete without mentioning my family. We don’t always see eye to eye. I have a permanent ‘let’s agree to disagree’ situation with my sister on some topics and we all drive each other barmy sometimes. But I also know that they ARE there, even if they can’t always be physically. I have an amazing niece and nephew (no Sis, I don’t want them for the summer, unless you’ll take mine?!) who are growing up to be the most wonderful human beings. I could have it a hell of a lot worse.

I’m going to take this moment to mention the non-blood family too though. Because, while my family are my family and I love them, some of my friends definitely fall within the family category, and they know who they are. They’re there for me when I’m at my wit’s end, feeling like I don’t belong anywhere and I know they’ll be by my side in a flash when I need them, as I would be for them. As I read somewhere, “Family is not (just) about blood. It’s about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most”. So to you special people, thank you for holding my hand, and letting me hold yours.

Final thoughts…..

I actually started writing this ages ago and got a bit stuck. Tonight, after two days of some serious black cloud feelings, I’ve just thrown out the rest of the gratitude list and could add more to it. How does that work?! I don’t know but I’m hoping it helps me wake up tomorrow morning with a more positive spin on life.

So what else could I have added to my gratitude list? The ocean. How I didn’t mention that I don’t know but I’m not going to go back to add it in. Just know I love it. Dancing. Music. Hugging. Kissing. Sex (sorry parents if you ever read this). Sleep. The Internet. Art.  Nature. Food. I’ll stop there. But I think it’s fair to say that there really is so much to be grateful for, sometimes it just takes sitting back and thinking about it. And that’s not to say it’s not OK to feel like total shit sometimes. The last two days I’ve felt a total sense of not belonging despite all of the above, and I know that two days is nothing compared to what some people experience. But feeling guilty about how we feel that won’t help. Our moods go up and down, even for those who don’t suffer from mental illness. But thinking of all the good things we have, it may not fix our problems, but surely it can’t do any harm?

xx

Katie Draisey

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