10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GO ON YOUR CHILD’S CLASS TRIP

MUMISH - 4 Jul 18

My class’ school trip to the zoo is looming and, for some unfathomable reason that seemed a good idea at the time (a bit like suggesting a ‘quick game of Monopoly’ with your kids or wearing Crocs), I volunteered to be a parent helper on my son’s upcoming school outing, too. The phrase ‘glutton for punishment’ springs to mind. Still, onwards and upwards!..

Now, I’ve been on a fair few trips in my time, but if you’re uninitiated and are considering putting your name on that reply slip (also known as signing your freedom and sanity away), here’s what you need to know:

1. You’ll most likely be assigned a group of between four and six children to ‘lead’ on the day and your child may or may not be in it. All schools have different policies on this. Depending on how you feel about your kid this could be a) a bitter pill to swallow or b) music to your ears.
2. Kids are noisy bordering on feral when en masse. In the confines of a coach, the noise is quite often deafening. My advice is to go to your ‘happy place’ and hum something soothing to yourself to ease through the pain. The theme tune for The Antiques Roadshow or The Great British Bake Off are obvious choices. Once you’ve safely disembarked, try not to worry too much about the ringing in your ears as this usually subsides within about a week.
3. Someone on the coach will feel sick and news of the queasy passenger will spread round faster than a verruca at a swimming gala. This is a right of passage. Textbook school trip fodder, if you like. The teacher is tasked with bringing a bucket and sick bags, so a suitable orifice will be passed down, just in case. It’s highly unlikely you’ll be forced to use your handbag but it’s probably best to keep the Mulberry at home, just in case. In the unlikely event it’s you who feels a bit green, feel free to grab the school bag of the child on the coach who’s irritated you most so far. 
4. None of the kids will bother to learn your name. You’re likely to be referred to as ‘Holly’s mum’ (if, indeed, you are Holly’s mum, or else that would just be baffling) all day. Not ideal, granted, but preferable to ‘thingy’ or ‘oi, you!’ This is not the time for moral ideals. 
5. Accompanying children to the toilet will make up around 50% of the day. Someone always needs a wee. Doesn’t matter if you just asked – that was five minutes ago. In a 7 year-old’s mind, the dinosaurs were still roaming the earth back then. 
6. A child in the group will insist on holding your hand. Possibly two kids at the same time. This is lovely and sweet and really quite touching and all that BUT children are very often filthy creatures riddled with germs. Bring hand sanitizer with you and apply at regular intervals. 
7. Someone in the group will get on your wick so much, being trapped in a lift with Katie Hopkins will seem a more attractive prospect. Deep breaths, count to 10. 
8. Talking of counting, you’ll be doing that A LOT. Losing a child on a trip is usually frowned upon. Although depending on the individual, you might have done the teacher a favour. 
9. A child’s drink will have leaked in their lunch box, thus rendering their crust-less ham sarnie inedible. A gallant, more noble individual than you might offer theirs up but you planned ahead and brought a sandwich containing a filling universally loathed by children, didn’t you? YES. YOU DID. Suggestions here include: pastrami, gherkins, tinned fish, or – the ace in the pack – egg mayo. 
10. You’ll be knackered. The mental energy required when commandeering small children hell-bent on scattering like a dropped bag of marbles should never be underestimated. But rest assured, you’ve done your time and paid your dues. Next year, swerve that letter like a pop star does paying tax. 

MUMISH

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