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10 Ways To Fake A Post-Baby Supermodel Body
Big Hair. Big hair makes your body look thinner. Fact. Thankfully, I was born with a Jewfro so this has never been a problem for me. Even if your hair has thinned a little during pregnancy, don’t let this dissuade you. A diet rich in iron and a little light backcombing will help. Shove your hair in rollers whilst baby-wrangling your way through a nappy
Wear prints. Everyone tells you to wear black as it is slimming but for me, wearing black has a similar effect to drawing chalk on the floor around a murder victim- it just re-emphasises your physique and its boundaries. I say, wear clashing prints
Belts With Jeans. Now I never thought any sane woman would
High Waisted Jeans. You know this. We all know this. It’s what mums do; the name ‘Mum Jeans’ isn’t for nowt, you know! Jeans are containers for post-baby tummies. Roll that belly up and fit it neatly
Beautify Your Thin Bits. Prettify all the bits of you that haven’t got and cannot get fat; celebrate them! Fingernails, toenails, earlobes. G-d bless them! This is also a great distraction technique (which is what all of these tips are essentially all about). Sleight of hand, baby, sleight of hand! Get jewels stuck on your nails if poss and blind people’s gaze before their
Babycessorize. Not in the way that slebs like the Kardashians do and colour-coordinate their baby to within an inch of their life. I am talking about using that bundle of love to deflect from your wobbles by holding them in a position that covers up your worst bits; a bit like how TV directors use giant handbags to hide actresses’ pregnant bellies in soap operas. After all, babies are cute and people want to look at them
Advanced Baby-lifting. Supermodels always have great biceps. Work those biceps by lifting your baby up and down regularly. This is also a good opportunity to give them a good hug and a kiss which in turn will make you happy and smile (which is how supermodels roll when out
And finally, just be you and stop worrying about trying to look like a Supermodel because you are the only person placing that ridiculous demand on yourself. And even more importantly, don’t compare yourself to supermodels or slebs who’ve recently had babies; don’t even read those ‘How Blah Blah Dropped The Baby Weight’, or ‘Wow, how to get Blah Blah’s post-baby six pack’ articles; it is akin to banging your head against