100 Days: Day 1

Hannah Sturland - 6 Jan 19

I’m broken. I truly feel that I’ve reached a key turning point in my life because I cannot carry on.

The way I see it I have 3 options: 1. end it all, 2. get well and carry on or 3. get well and learn how to stay well.

I choose 3.

I’m not going to lie; a week ago, a day ago even, I was ready to choose 1. It’ll be a battle for a while, things have become pretty bad (understatement of the year!) But I’ve asked for help and I’m learning to advocate for myself and say ‘no’ when I need to so I can try and get the help I need.

I want to understand my triggers for anxiety and depression so I can build in guards against them. I want to learn to accept that this is who I am, that it’s okay and that I can still be a good wife, mother, friend, human just as I am.

I want to do practical things like check hormone and mineral levels to understand what balance looks like for me. I want to understand how I can help myself to eat, sleep, rest and find peace as a regular part of living. I want to learn how to balance my ambition with needing to simplify and sometimes slow down.

There are so many things I want to do; enjoy my kids, help at their school, be successful at work, turn the charity I’ve just started into something that’s delivering real change, spend time on my hobbies…but I know that all needs me to get well.

I just need to hang in there until my mental health assessment appointment in a weeks’ time then hopefully we’ll have the beginnings of a plan for my recovery. I know it’ll be a long road, which won’t always run smoothly but I now have hope and the support of my family.

Here’s to day 1, may there be many more to come.

H x

Hannah Sturland

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