100 Days: Day 10

Hannah Sturland - 13 Jan 19

I’m feeling very much like I can’t cope with life today. It all feels too much and I just want to sink into oblivion.

I can’t do that though; the children want to play and there’s laundry and cleaning to do. Actually sod the cleaning, I really can’t face that today.

I wish my brain would change the record: ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘they’d be better off without you’ on and on until I want to scream. I don’t know how to make it stop but I really wish I did.

I feel really vulnerable; incapable of looking after myself and not remotely able to function.

I wonder if this feeling will ever leave, or will it just be louder at times and quieter at others? I know there’s no ‘cure’ but I can’t bear the thought that it’ll always feel like this.

I can’t decide whether it’s better for me to be around people (my family) and have some semblance of normality or whether the best thing would be to go away, where I’m able to just focus on surviving. This is appealing, but where would I go? Who would keep me safe when I’m not able to do it myself?

I picked up my medication today, hopefully that will help…if I can convince myself to take it and not let the anxious thoughts get the better of me.

I’m just so tired of being a burden. Why can’t I just pull myself together, take the tablets and crack on with life?

I’m not sure how I can get through any more days like this. But I know I’ve survived this far and if I can just hang in there more help is coming.

H x

Hannah Sturland

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