11 things I’ve learned in 11 years of letting go

Kate Codrington - 10 Nov 16

Size 0 Shoes

My son was 9 months, my first child when I found myself caught between my desperation for a space to be me again, and my desperation to be a good (enough) mum.

We found a gorgeous childminder, as warm and tender as you could wish, and we tried it out for a few hours. I thought I was so cool; just a few hours to try out, no big deal. No big deal my arse. I wept miserably, with no capacity to do the ‘me’ things I’d longed for. Instead I mended his hipster bootees that had fallen apart. Stitch-stitch-stitching away to keep my mind from dwelling on how lost he might be feeling and how lost I felt without him. Midwives used to knit on the job, the repetitive movement reduces cortisol in the labour room. The rhythm of my needle just couldn’t handle the amount of cortisol I had surging around me.

It didn’t work.

The lovely childminder delivered him home after two hours. He hadn’t stopped crying, was just so unhappy. Hmm.

Size 7 shoes

Fast forward 11 years and we take the same sized shoes now. Secondary school.

We’d prepped the bus route, timed the journey, talked through the survival strategies (6th-form girls are probably the best people to ask for directions when you’re a lost yr 7 with outrageous eyelashes), bought the kit. But nothing had prepared me for the sense of helplessness and heart-rending loss I felt.

This time, no nice friendly report from the childminder or playground chit-chat. My lovable monosyllabic, pre-teen gives no information.

“How was your day?”

“Tiring”.

He fell asleep at 7pm every night that first week. Fell asleep on the bus and missed his stop. Starting ok, then the dawning reality after the first week that this was it. Every weekday, for the next 6 years. His verdict? “Very tiring”.

I am not a clingy mum, I love to see my kids become independent, probably kick them out too far and too fast if anything. But the first term of secondary was just like that first experience of giving him up to the care of strangers. So here are 11 things I have learned about letting go.

Things I have learned

1. Letting go doesn’t get easier as your children get older, you just get more familiar with the feeling.

2. No point in trying to avoid the feelings, it doesn’t work. Stay with the feelings, make them your friend, breathe into them, notice the sensation in your body. This helps.

3. When they’re making a major transition, prepare for some regressed behavior from them. Let go of the small stuff, don’t sweat the mess they leave, for now.

4. When they’re making a major transition, prepare for some regressed behaviour from yourself. Let go of the small stuff and allow yourself some slack.

5. Your view of your children’s adventures will be coloured by your own experience at school. Sometimes it’s impossible to tell what’s you then and what’s real now. Forget about trying to figure it out, see lesson 2.

6. Mums need star charts too. Plan time for yourself every week; wine, massage, good food what ever floats your boat.

7. Teachers are over-stressed and under paid. But that doesn’t mean that some of them aren’t idiots.

8. It’s really bloody hard this parenting business.

9. Hang out with your mum friends. They’ll get it.

10. Plan diverting, pleasurable activities for you all that give everyone something joyful to focus on. I had the best ever kick-ass 50^th birthday party and started a new business.

11. Which ever way you do it, it’s ok. There’s no perfect parenting here. Don’t compare, don’t judge. You are good enough; we all are.

Kate Codrington

I wear 4 hats on some days more on others; I have a partner and two children, now 12 and 10, I run online courses for therapists who want to expand their practice, I am also a massage therapist specialising in women's health in my private practice in Watford and teach women self-help skills at Love Your Belly workshops. I am also a champion napper.

View profile for posts, events and more info