25 feels when trying to conceive (TTC)

BackBackAndForthandForth - 15 Mar 17

1. So long Pill/Implant/Coil/Condom! [tick as applied] Thanks for keeping me baby-free all these years, but I got this now *wink*
2. Toasting your new decision with your partner and vowing to just “keep it casual” when TTC: None of that temperature charting shit, just some fun shagging.
3. Wondering whats wrong with you when after 3 months of said fun shagging, you’re still not pregnant.
4. Reading up on TTC and discovering, to your utter dismay, that in reality there are only 12-24 hours in the month in which you can get pregnant.
5. Feeling utterly conned and realising pregnancy actually is a fucking miracle.
6. Surreptitiously downloading an ovulation tracker app onto your phone.
7. Surreptitiously buying a thermometer from Boots
8. Spending several mornings trying to stealthily take your temperature under the duvet and not wake your partner from the loud beeping of the digital thermometer
9. Once found out, having to explain to your partner that yes, we’re now tracking our temperature for ovulation and no, I can’t use a silent “regular” thermometer because those aren’t as accurate.
10. Watching your sex life go from fun and kinky to that planned, TTC kinda sex. You know the kind where BJs are no longer on the menu and where you have to plan an additional 20 mins for laying on your back after sex just to optimise your chances?
11. Thinking to self [while standing in the toilet cubicle at work] “does this feel like egg whites or is it more creamy?”
12. Wondering how the hell you ever got to the point where THIS was now part of your daily routine and inner monologue.
13. Consciously avoiding alcohol/cream cheese/oysters/ibuprofen during the 2 week wait but being too scared to openly admit you’re doing that in case you jinx it.
14. Avoiding buying tampons each month, again in case you jinx it.
15. Not really believing in jinxes but over time, adopting weird TTC superstitious rituals (quietly repeating “I WILL get pregnant” precisely 3 times every morning in the shower…anyone else?)
16. Eventually cursing not buying tampons when your period does arrive and having to resort to the old wad of tissues trick. While of course cursing and crying at not being pregnant AGAIN.
17. Literally planning your calendar around your cycle: “X’s birthday party is on Friday but I’m actually ovulating, so maybe we can have sex before and after just to be sure. Is there anywhere we can have sex DURING the party perhaps?”
18. Crying when you see babies or pregnant women on TV and in real life.
19. Feeling like EVERYONE you know, and their friends are pregnant.
20. Over analysing every single twinge you feel during the 2 week wait as a possible pregnancy symptom.
21. Even though you know everything about what to expect in the first month, still running to THE book or Google to find out whether this twinge is a possible pregnancy symptom.
22. “Is that a….were my nipples tingling just there?! Am I pregnant?” Yep. a genuine feel every month.
23. Despite your regular periods, healthy smear test results over the years, healthy weight, regular exercise, excellent track record of fertility in the family, a healthy dose of prenatal vitamins every day (which btw, does wonders for your nails & hair) and not to mention the fact you don’t smoke and barely drink alcohol: utterly convincing yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you’re hopelessly infertile.
24. Googling adoption, IVF (while simultaneously working your finances) and egg/sperm donation as a back up.
25. Feeling like you’re losing the plot and trying desperately to hide all of this from your friends and family, and particularly your partner because you don’t want them to see you for the psychotic, broody, desperate-for-a-baby woman you have become.

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