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25 massively annoying things your parents said to you…that you now say to your own kids

1
One minute, you’re seven years-old and rolling your eyes in your parents’ kitchen; the next, you’re 37, wagging your finger and it’s YOUR kitchen (which, incidentally, looks like it’s just been ransacked by a horde of ravenous ferrets).

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD.

You may have promised yourself when YOU were a parent, you’d be different. You’d be cool. You’d be relaxed. You’d never say no to anything fun. But alas, like the lure of the Zara sale, resistance is futile.

So, be honest – how many of these classic parenting one-liners

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2
have you already used today?

 

1. ‘I’ll JUST GO AND SHAKE THE MONEY TREE IN THE GARDEN, SHALL I?’ 

Yes, it’s between the ’bush of dignity’ and the ’shrub of me-time’. Keep looking…you’re getting warmer…

 

2. ‘I’M NOT THE MAID.’

Too bloody right you’re not! Ungrateful tykes. You’re also the cleaner, chauffeur and official arse-wiper. Mama’s gonna need a new CV.

 

3. ‘WHAT’S THIS RACKET YOU’RE LISTENING TO?’ 

Now you know how your parents felt about you blasting ‘Jagged

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3
Little Pill’ out every night while you practised bubble writing in your room, and worked out how compatible you and that fit boy in the year above were based on the letters in your names.

 

4. YOU’RE GOING TO GET SQUARE EYES.’

Delivered while scrolling through Instagram, naturally.

 

5. ’IF YOU WERE THAT HUNGRY, YOU’D EAT ANYTHING.’

’Here’s the rhino’s testicle you ordered, Madam.’ Nice try – but, no.

 

6. ’LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M SPEAKING TO YOU!’

You’re foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.

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No-one wants to see that while they’re chowing down on their Birds Eye Fish Finger.

 

7. ’HONESTLY, YOU DON’T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HAD NOTHING!’

Not technically true, granted. But parenting is 95% embellishment, so it’s fine. Also, remember those shoes from Clarks with the secret key for the sole that your mum said were gimmicky and pointless? Get out that tiny violin.

 

8. ’WE’LL SEE.’

No. Whatever you asked me, it’s a big fat no. But I can’t deal with the fallout now and Love

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5
Island is about to start, so dream on, dreamer.  

 

9. ‘YOU WON’T HAVE ANY TEETH LEFT IF YOU KEEP EATING ALL THOSE SWEETS.’

Says the person raised on Sunny Delight and strawberries dipped in sugar. 

 

10. ’OH, SO, IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN, YOU’D DO IT?’

It’d muffle the sound of your nagging, so yeah. Crack on. 

 

11. ’YEAH, WELL, LIFE ISN’T FAIR, SO GET USED TO IT.’

I 100% stand by this one. Sock it to ‘em early. 

 

12. ‘I’M NOT ANGRY – I’M

SelfishMother.com
6
DISAPPOINTED.’

This is an emotional body blow. Basically, you’re a complete let-down and a waste of space. Also works for partners who said they were ‘having a couple after work’, then return five hours later. It’s beauty is its versatility. The Philip Schofield of put-downs, if you like. 

 

13. ‘YOU’LL THANK ME WHEN YOU’RE OLDER.’

Unlikely. They’ll probably blame you for every unattractive character flaw they possess and every failing of their adult life. 

 

14. ‘IT’S ‘BROUGHT’, NOT

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‘BRUNG’. 

Being corrected on the way you speak is the single most irritating thing someone can do to you. (That, and inviting you to a WhatsApp group called ‘Gemma’s surprise baby shower’. Hello, mute button!)

 

15. ’WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I GOT £1 A WEEK POCKET MONEY AND COUNTED MYSELF LUCKY.’

Your pants are on fire. Your mate got a fiver, plus £2 from her nan for doing the dusting, and you blathered on constantly about the injustice of it all.

 

16. ’OH, SO, WHO DID IT – THE INVISIBLE MAN?’ 

The one with

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8
the fine line in sarcasm? Yeah, that’s him.

 

17. ’YOU WAIT ‘TIL DADDY GETS HOME!’

He’ll fall asleep on the sofa with his hands down his pants and it’ll all kick off.

 

18. ’THAT’S IT! I’M CHANGING MY NAME! I’M NOT MUM ANYMORE.’ 

‘My kids’ bitch’ has a much better ring to it anyway. 

 

19. ’I’ll JUST TALK TO MYSELF THEN.’

Probably advisable. Ask yourself if you thought adulthood would be even a fraction as shit as this while you’re at it.

 

20. ‘WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT

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‘THOUGHT’ DID, DON’T YOU?’

Children should be actively discouraged from thinking for themselves at all times. 

 

21. ’DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN YESTERDAY?’

Not likely. The eye bags, crows’ feet and boobs resting on your knees are a bit of a giveaway. 

 

22. ‘I’M CALLING SANTA!’

Good, good. Phone Uncle Graham and tell him he needs a new stick-on beard while you’re at it. 

 

23. ‘I’M COUNTING TO FIVE.’ 

That’s nice for you. Now write ‘my-kids-are-feral-vagrants’ 50

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10
times.

 

24. ’WHEN I WAS LITTLE, CHILDREN WERE SEEN AND NOT HEARD.’

Yes, pre-1980, children were entirely mute. 

 

25. ’THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.’ 

Even you don’t believe this shit anymore. 

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- 30 Jun 18

One minute, you’re seven years-old and rolling your eyes in your parents’ kitchen; the next, you’re 37, wagging your finger and it’s YOUR kitchen (which, incidentally, looks like it’s just been ransacked by a horde of ravenous ferrets).

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD.

You may have promised yourself when YOU were a parent, you’d be different. You’d be cool. You’d be relaxed. You’d never say no to anything fun. But alas, like the lure of the Zara sale, resistance is futile.

So, be honest – how many of these classic parenting one-liners have you already used today?

 

1. ‘I’ll JUST GO AND SHAKE THE MONEY TREE IN THE GARDEN, SHALL I?’ 

Yes, it’s between the ‘bush of dignity’ and the ‘shrub of me-time’. Keep looking…you’re getting warmer…

 

2. ‘I’M NOT THE MAID.’

Too bloody right you’re not! Ungrateful tykes. You’re also the cleaner, chauffeur and official arse-wiper. Mama’s gonna need a new CV.

 

3. ‘WHAT’S THIS RACKET YOU’RE LISTENING TO?’ 

Now you know how your parents felt about you blasting ‘Jagged Little Pill’ out every night while you practised bubble writing in your room, and worked out how compatible you and that fit boy in the year above were based on the letters in your names.

 

4. YOU’RE GOING TO GET SQUARE EYES.’

Delivered while scrolling through Instagram, naturally.

 

5. ‘IF YOU WERE THAT HUNGRY, YOU’D EAT ANYTHING.’

‘Here’s the rhino’s testicle you ordered, Madam.’ Nice try – but, no.

 

6. ‘LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M SPEAKING TO YOU!’

You’re foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. No-one wants to see that while they’re chowing down on their Birds Eye Fish Finger.

 

7. ‘HONESTLY, YOU DON’T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HAD NOTHING!’

Not technically true, granted. But parenting is 95% embellishment, so it’s fine. Also, remember those shoes from Clarks with the secret key for the sole that your mum said were gimmicky and pointless? Get out that tiny violin.

 

8. ‘WE’LL SEE.’

No. Whatever you asked me, it’s a big fat no. But I can’t deal with the fallout now and Love Island is about to start, so dream on, dreamer.  

 

9. ‘YOU WON’T HAVE ANY TEETH LEFT IF YOU KEEP EATING ALL THOSE SWEETS.’

Says the person raised on Sunny Delight and strawberries dipped in sugar. 

 

10. ‘OH, SO, IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN, YOU’D DO IT?’

It’d muffle the sound of your nagging, so yeah. Crack on. 

 

11. ‘YEAH, WELL, LIFE ISN’T FAIR, SO GET USED TO IT.’

I 100% stand by this one. Sock it to ‘em early. 

 

12. ‘I’M NOT ANGRY – I’M DISAPPOINTED.’

This is an emotional body blow. Basically, you’re a complete let-down and a waste of space. Also works for partners who said they were ‘having a couple after work’, then return five hours later. It’s beauty is its versatility. The Philip Schofield of put-downs, if you like. 

 

13. ‘YOU’LL THANK ME WHEN YOU’RE OLDER.’

Unlikely. They’ll probably blame you for every unattractive character flaw they possess and every failing of their adult life. 

 

14. ‘IT’S ‘BROUGHT’, NOT ‘BRUNG’. 

Being corrected on the way you speak is the single most irritating thing someone can do to you. (That, and inviting you to a WhatsApp group called ‘Gemma’s surprise baby shower’. Hello, mute button!)

 

15. ‘WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I GOT £1 A WEEK POCKET MONEY AND COUNTED MYSELF LUCKY.’

Your pants are on fire. Your mate got a fiver, plus £2 from her nan for doing the dusting, and you blathered on constantly about the injustice of it all.

 

16. ‘OH, SO, WHO DID IT – THE INVISIBLE MAN?’ 

The one with the fine line in sarcasm? Yeah, that’s him.

 

17. ‘YOU WAIT ‘TIL DADDY GETS HOME!’

He’ll fall asleep on the sofa with his hands down his pants and it’ll all kick off.

 

18. ‘THAT’S IT! I’M CHANGING MY NAME! I’M NOT MUM ANYMORE.’ 

‘My kids’ bitch’ has a much better ring to it anyway. 

 

19. ‘I’ll JUST TALK TO MYSELF THEN.’

Probably advisable. Ask yourself if you thought adulthood would be even a fraction as shit as this while you’re at it.

 

20. ‘WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘THOUGHT’ DID, DON’T YOU?’

Children should be actively discouraged from thinking for themselves at all times. 

 

21. ‘DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN YESTERDAY?’

Not likely. The eye bags, crows’ feet and boobs resting on your knees are a bit of a giveaway. 

 

22. ‘I’M CALLING SANTA!’

Good, good. Phone Uncle Graham and tell him he needs a new stick-on beard while you’re at it. 

 

23. ‘I’M COUNTING TO FIVE.’ 

That’s nice for you. Now write ‘my-kids-are-feral-vagrants’ 50 times.

 

24. ‘WHEN I WAS LITTLE, CHILDREN WERE SEEN AND NOT HEARD.’

Yes, pre-1980, children were entirely mute. 

 

25. ‘THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.’ 

Even you don’t believe this shit anymore. 

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