3 Things I Learnt About Feminism From My Mum

Anniki Sommerville - 8 Mar 17

I grew up in the eighties and my Mum was a PROPER feminist. She subscribed to ‘Spare Rib’ and had a matching diary in which she detailed her ‘Women Only Swim club,’ and ‘Feminist Stand-Up Comedy Night.’  Mum was parenting on her own for quite a while, worked full-time for Amnesty International and rode around London on a moped. She had pink hair and a nose stud. She wore a badge that said ‘Nazi’s Are No Fun,’ and took me to charity gigs where people like The Clash played. I am sure to many of you that sounds COOL but believe me I wanted a Mum with a gingham dress, hands covered in flour (after hours of baking me cup cakes) and a degree in flower arranging.

Feminist Mum was not my cup of tea.

In reality, most of my friend’s Mums were the same. Working, Struggling with the idea of ‘having it all’ before there was such a thing as flexible working. Before there was social media or a space where you could share your experiences. And doing a lot of parenting solo-  even when second wave of feminism came about, it was uncommon for men to change nappies.

‘Your Dad liked to talk about philosophy with his friends,’ my Mum said, ‘And the women would wash up and look after the kids in the kitchen,’

This was before they separated. After that happened Mum held down a stressful job, drove into London on her moped each day and battled sexist attitudes at every turn. She went on to have two more children. At this point she was in her late thirties and society still hadn’t moved on. She was told that if she took maternity leave, she’d probably never get a promotion. She took that as FACT and carried on regardless. It was normal. This isn’t a sob story. This was just life. Women worked and strived and got frustrated and got knocked over. They felt guilty and compromised and worried and got anxious that they weren’t good enough. And so it continues.

Anyway, here’s 3 things I’ve learnt about feminism (mainly from Mum):

Feminism is not just for ‘certain types of women’

When I was growing up, there seemed to be a particular look when it came to being taken seriously as a feminist. You needed dungarees. You needed hairy legs. It was all about rejecting, what were seen as, ‘masculine codes of beauty’. As a teenager I rebelled against this and wore more slap than Ru-Paul. The idea of hairy armpits repelled me. I used huge quantities of Impulse and shaved my eyebrows off. Perhaps this was internalised sexism. Perhaps this was because I don’t like having hairy armpits. Now (thankfully) we don’t have to wear a uniform to be accepted. Anything pretty much goes.

Feminism isn’t all ‘wrapped up and taken care of already’

There are some people (mainly men) who have said to me ‘Surely all this feminist stuff is sorted. You have equal everything don’t you? ‘ To these people I say – a) you’re mad  b) why do you see each positive gain for women (and there aren’t a million of them by the way) as being a LOSS for men? It’s not like the old ‘The Two Ronnies,’ sketch where women take over the world and end up using men as slaves to do their ironing (though a man who excels in the domestic sphere is definitely a keeper in my book).

Feminism is great but let’s not use the word in vain i.e. TOO MUCH

It shouldn’t be used to sell lipstick. Or sell sandwiches. Sometimes when I travel on the tube I feel like every product is feminist and helping me to become more feminist.  In reality there is no such thing as an ‘empowering shampoo’ and buying a certain cereal doesn’t make you any more self-sufficient or confident either.  Mum taught me this early on (though I do  fall for any advert/product that uses Beyonce as I think she is marvellous).

Mum – I’m sorry I wanted you to be more conventional. In essence I loved and love you just as you are. I’m also sorry it took me a long time to realise how important it is for women to stand up for themselves.

And finally I’m sorry I stole/borrowed your camel coat back in 2001. It’s probably somewhere in a basement in Kensal Green. I gave it to a girl named Sue.

I’m pretty sure she still has it.

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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