4 Magic Words That Will Fix Your Relationship Instantly

Anniki Sommerville - 12 May 15

It seems there’s lot of commonalities when it comes to relationships and the fall out that occurs when you have kids. Unfortunately there’s a period of time, early on, when your partner just fades into the background. You’re knackered, emotionally depleted and can barely look after yourself. How are you going to find time to give them a loving massage? Or nibble seductively on their ear? And there are also times when you may feel an irrational wave of anger towards your partner. This is normal too. It’s a dangerous and heady time those early baby-rearing days and if you manage to maintain a healthy dynamic then well done.

Don’t even bother reading this. Jog on.

But if you’ve gone through some tough periods and having a child has thrown your relationship into a bit of a nosedive then this advice is for you. We expect a lot from our partners in these modern times. It seems whenever I catch up with a female friend they’re complaining about one aspect of their relationship or another. They don’t feel appreciated. They feel their partner ignores them. They don’t feel sexy anymore. And I’ve felt this at times. I’ve felt like if sexual attractiveness was on a scale of one-ten then my partner would possibly give me a two (with a worm getting a one). I’ve felt like if I fell down the stairs they probably wouldn’t notice. That my market value has been severely diminished by the fact that I’m now a Mum and have a big worried face all the time.

But then I started asking myself a radical question- what if my partner felt the same? What if he too had these feelings? What if he felt underappreciated and tired and worm-like? When was the last time I’d said something nice to him? Had I ever said anything nice to him? And if so why not?

All to often I think women have unrealistic expectations of their partner (or maybe it’s just my friends). They want someone who is masculine yet caring. Someone who has a strong point of view but isn’t domineering. Someone who listens without offering up solutions (I think this is a key difference between men and women and it can actually be useful when women are getting too self-indulgent). They also want someone who notices the subtle nuances of fashion – that dungarees aren’t ‘what farmers wear’ but are modern and edgy. And it would be nice if they noticed that you’ve threaded your eyebrows. And if they really listened. That ‘listening’ thing is a big one. It’s universal. I sometimes think the best bit of advice I could give to men is to say – ‘That’s really pretty interesting,’ at least five times a day. That would avoid a lot of arguments for sure.

And men can’t always live up to all these things. And neither can women either. Sometimes you have to turn things around a bit and look in the mirror. Do you always listen to what your partner is saying? Do you really listen? And without getting all Oprah– do you focus on the positive stuff? Or do you just see the fact that the loo seat is left up? And why is this a problem? Isn’t it sexist to expect them to lift it up each time they want to pee?

I had one particular friend who was going through some stuff with her partner and this was a while ago, before I had my daughter, but she had kids and there was basically a catalogue of things that were getting her down. And I gave her some advice (arrogant really as I had no idea what impact kids could have on a relationship). I gave her four words she could use whenever she felt things were getting unbearable or there was a stand off or a sulk.

And these four magic words were (drum roll please): ‘Your Hair Looks Nice.’

Are you kidding me? I hear you say. ‘YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE?’ That’s your worthless relationship advice! But stop and think. Okay maybe ‘hair’ isn’t the best feature when you think of your partner, maybe it’s their ‘butt’ or ‘ears’ or some other bit of their anatomy that you really appreciate. But what’s important is there is SOMETHING that you like about them. It’s not all doom and gloom. Ideally it’s nice if it’s something about their physical appearance (not the fact that they’ve emptied the dishwasher which just sounds boring and a bit patronising). It needs to be a proper compliment and it needs to be said with sincerity.

And ideally you need to say it more than once.

If you try it out you’ll notice an immediate impact. Your partner’s body language will shift. They’ll puff up like a French pastry. They’ll look taller. And it’s especially useful in those early days when you’re basically doing little more than grunting demands. When you can’t really muster up much enthusiasm for anything besides a nap. And the point is it’s exactly the kind of thing you’d like to hear your partner say back to you. It’s what makes you feel less like a worm. It reminds you that you’ve got an identity that goes beyond feeding, bathing and worrying about another tiny person.

My friend cackled in my face when I told her. She said it’d never work and I was dim, stupid and naïve. She said something so glib and trite would never sort their relationship out. But she tried it and it worked. And it wasn’t the thing that made their relationship perfect all of a sudden but it started them off on an upward trajectory. It made things a bit special and less dark. It showed that she’d actually noticed something about his physical person and he wasn’t just a shadowy presence standing ready with the wet wipes.

This bit of advice comes with a caveat. Like I said you have to actually MEAN IT. So you have to look at your partner, really stop and look at them and then pick out a physical aspect you’re attracted to. Don’t use it as an opportunity to mentally run down a list of their faults or the fact that they’re wearing pyjamas with a hole in the crotch. And try and remember that you’re not perfect too. None of us are. Sometimes solutions are just what the doctor ordered and listening and debating everything is just a ball ache.

I’ve done it once and it backfired because I threw the compliment out there without really thinking it through (I said ‘Your beard is really nice today,’ and it just sounded wrong) but something simple, something unexpected can only be a good thing. It stops you from being critical and only noticing that the toilet seat is still up. In fact I’ve given several of my friends this self-same piece of advice and it’s always worked. I’ve decided that I’m going to write a relationship book and call it ‘Your Hair Looks Nice.’ (my only problem being that there isn’t really much else to add so it’ll be tough to flesh out the rest of the pages).

‘Your Hair Looks Nice’ are the four words that’ll take you through those early parenting days. It’s also useful during the tricky developmental stages (no sleep, food fads, tantrums etc.). And it’ll hopefully lead to more meaningful conversations that aren’t all about hair. It might make your partner laugh. It might make them want to have sex. It might just fix a little of the collateral damage that occurs in a relationship post-children. It’s not suddenly going to be all wonderful overnight. There’s no such thing as a miracle cure. Relationships take work and patience is key.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey. There’s another four words I’ve given you for free.

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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