4 things you shouldn’t feel bad about

Laura Starkey - 9 Aug 17

“Motherhood is one long guilt trip.”

“Breastfeeding guilt? Well, it won’t be the last thing you feel shitty about, love…”

“Congratulations on your new baby! Welcome to feeling like you are never doing enough for anyone!”

Ah, Mum Guilt.

We all have it, and people make jokes like these all the time – usually in the spirit of solidarity.

Beneath the humour lies a deeper truth, though: if your existence is a car on a long road called Life, becoming a mum can cause you to feel as though you’ve completely lost your grip on the steering wheel.

Here comes the extended metaphor… 

I suppose that the more people you cram into your car, the harder it becomes to drive. And no wonder, really: you’ve probably got a Mr Men CD blaring away in there now, and a toddler screaming his or her head off in the backseat.

Something I’ve realised, however, is that every little thing you allow yourself to feel bad about is like letting ANOTHER passenger squeeze their ass into your vehicle.

Worried about the washing pile? Stressed about the state of your garden? Feeling crap because you haven’t home made the kids’ curry?

If you’re concentrating on the noise these Mum Guilt Monsters are making, how can you possibly keep your eyes on the road?

I’m not immune to any of this. I sometimes feel like I’ve been ejected from the driver’s seat of my own life and forcibly bundled into the boot.

But it is important to try and take back some control. Get mad with your passengers and start chucking out the bastards who really have no right to take up space.

For example…

The ‘I’m so fat’ twat

I’ve never met a mum who didn’t feel rubbish in some way, at least for a while, about her post-baby body. I did, and to some extent still do.

Let’s face it: your ladybits are, quite possibly, unrecognisable. You might have stretch marks and scars. If you are anything like me, you’ll have jiggly bits that you just know no amount of dieting is ever going to, erm, ‘solidify’ completely.

HOWEVER. Nor have I ever never met anyone whose successful weight loss transformation was inspired by guilt.

Even if you are morbidly obese, simply feeling bad about that fact is not going to make you un-moridbly obese.

If you genuinely want to improve your fitness, shed a few extra pounds and slim down, then feeling shit about yourself for being bigger than you’d like is simply not the first step on the road to achieving those goals. (I say this as a person who regularly beats herself up about not being a stone and a half lighter…)

Here’s what I think, when I’m being sensible: reminding yourself that your body is a beautiful thing, deserving of love, respect and gratitude no matter what its size, gives you a stronger chance of succeeding if you’re keen to make positive changes.

Tell yourself you are worth a little more time in the kitchen or at the gym, instead of beating yourself up for every wobble and roll you’ve decided you detest. In the immortal words of Blazin’ Squad: Flip / Reverse it.

The nutrition nasties

I’ve written about feeding guilt on more than one occasion, but my core belief on this bears repeating: making sure your baby is fed, hydrated and healthy is more important than how you achieve those things.

Make your own decisions about feeding, and don’t allow anyone else to undermine your confidence in those choices – whether they involve bottle feeding from early on or breastfeeding into the toddler years.

Anyway, once you’ve over the breast vs bottle hump there’ll be other stuff to stress you out.

You might feel like you are a terrible human being because you couldn’t, or didn’t, stand in your kitchen pureeing organic sweet potatoes every single day during the weaning stage.

You might be concerned that using Ella’s Kitchen purees or Little Dish ready meals renders you a monster.

Honestly? Just feed your kids as much good stuff as you can, and accept that sometimes they will eat chips. They will also, most likely, develop a powerful adoration of tomato ketchup.

They will survive, and so will you.

The housework harpy

I am a bit OCD. I like my house to be clean and tidy. I like shoes to be placed in neat lines, the right way around. I like my kitchen surfaces wiped, and all the beds properly made.

Some days, none of this is possible.

I hate that, and it stresses me out – but I am working on trying to accept that my home cannot look like something perfect off Instagram while there are two kids tearing through it, engaged in what I call The Epic War Of The Duplo.

I suggest you follow suit.

Anyway, everywhere will be tidy again in September. Probably.

The screen police

Newsflash! Kids like TV.

I am not suggesting you abandon your offspring in front of CBeebies for days at a time, but allowing them a bit of screen time once or twice a day is not going to kill them.

On the other hand, it might just give you time to neck a Nespresso, send a couple of emails and enjoy a few moments of quiet.

In addition, I want to say a big ‘BORE OFF’ to all those hateful memes that make mums feel bad for scrolling through social media every so often. (As an aside, can we just consider the irony that such bullshit is shared all over bloody Facebook? I mean, COME ON.)

A lot of mums have very little adult company for long stretches of the day. Instead, they are bombarded with requests for biscuits, prevented from weeing in peace and regularly required to break up sibling squabbles over such vitally important matters as Whose Turn It Is To Hold The Balloon.

Social media is a place to share, to laugh and to feel like you are not alone.

Yes, put your phone down and join in the kids’ fun where you can. But checking your feeds a few times a day doesn’t mean you are not ‘present’ for your children (vomit).

Which Mum Guilt Monsters do you need to chuck out of your car? Are there any big ones I’ve missed? Let me know in the comments…

Laura Starkey

Writer of stories, drinker of tea, mother of sausage dogs (and two humans).

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