5 STEREOTYPICAL ‘MUM’ THINGS (YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER DO)

Molly Gunn - 28 Oct 14

You’d think that nine-months of pregnancy, a gruelling labour, lousy sleep and a child permattached to your person, would give you a good indication that you’re a mother. Especially if you’ve done it more than once. But, no it’s not those rites of passage that nail the point home. What really clinches the deal, and confirms unequivocally that motherhood is happening to YOU, is when you find yourself doing all the stereotypical ‘mum’ things that you thought you’d never do.

ONE
For starters, you find yourself in the kitchen… a lot. You never thought you’d be that boring sort of mother who spent all of her time in the kitchen. After all, this isn’t the 50s!! Before having kids you lived on dinner out, takeaways and M&S Simply Food oven meals that involved no washing up. You only used your hob to light cigarettes and tea lights. You were far too much of a high-achieving feminist to cook and clean. YOU planned to be the sort of mother who was far too busy having fun, far too important working, or far too well-dressed to spend time in the kitchen…

And yet… what is this weird obsession you’ve suddenly developed with a clean worktop? And why does it feel like you’re always loading and unloading the dishwasher? And why are you forever preparing yet another meal? Whether you look after your kids all day, or you’re out working…  somehow the evil kitchen saps your home time. In your mind you know it’s dull, the ‘old you’ wouldn’t have sucumbed…  but at the same time you can’t resist grabbing that dish-cloth and ‘just whizzing through the washing up’ instead of lounging on the sofa and watching The Lego Movie. Because if you don’t clean up…. who else is going to do it? This is what you tell yourself anyway.

TWO
That other mum stereotype you find yourself doing? SITTING DOWN at the beach or playground while your partner plays with the kids. When we were kids, it was easy to think that mums sat on the sidelines and didn’t join in with making camps or building cars out of sand, because mums were boring and not very good at that sort of thing, while dads were fun and amazing at everything.

But this is not the case. We ARE fun, of course we are! We can play when we want to. We sit on the sidelines not because we’re killjoys… it is simply because we are knackered. We’ve pounced upon a few blissful moments to chill out, and while we may vaguely question whether we’re perpetuating the ‘dad’s are more fun’ train of thought for our kids, we quickly decide that we don’t care, because we’re so damn happy just doing nothing.

THREE
Then, there is the Bag of Chaos. This is the messy handbag you used to pity if you saw women with it. It may be stylish Marc Jacobs or Mulberry on the outside, but on the inside it is a Big Old Mess. It contains a sea of STUFF. New and used tissues, new and used wet wipes, new and used snacks. Dangerous under-fingernail-dirt at the bottom. Broken plastic toys from Kinder Eggs, half-eaten rice cakes and sticky old raisins. Add to this, a sagging purse with too many receipts and coppers… and you have the kind of bag we once would have balked at, but now seems unavoidable. You’re too tired / busy to ever think of clearing it out. Though you’re careful not to open it too wide at work in case people wonder if your life is as chaotic as your bag. IT IS.

FOUR
Then, you find yourself dancing around the kitchen like a loon to the radio, while your kids look helplessly on. You whack up Raspberry Beret, Born Slippy, or You’ve Got the Power on Absolute 80s or Heart FM and sing at the top of your voice and pull your kids in to dance along, too. You think you’re having the time of your life. In fact, you KNOW you’re having the time of your life – dancing with your amazing kids to old-school tunes in the comfort of your own home (no need to queue for a bar or wait for the loo). Unfortunately, to our kids this music sounds prehistoric. Us dancing to Blur or Oasis is the equivalent to our parents dancing to the Beatles or the Rolling Stones! With hindsight, we realise our parents’ music taste wasn’t that bad so we shouldn’t have teased them about it… but try explaining that to your kids.

FIVE
And… the absolute clincher? The thing that confirms Mumdom has truly hit? It is of course, the second we SPIT ON A TISSUE and wipe our mucky child’s face with it. Of course, this makes total sense…  because sometimes wet wipes aren’t to hand. And we’re nowhere near a sink. Or we just want to remove some dirt without making a song-and-dance about it. And it probably made sense when our mums did it to us, too. It’s just it felt like such an incredibly ‘mum thing’ to do. Didn’t it?

… AND the funny thing is when these stereotypes hit and you realise that you’re the embodiment of motherhood, you don’t mind one bit. YES, you were going to do things differently. YOU were going to break those mum barriers right down. It’s just that now you realise, some things are better not messed with. These are mum ways for a reason; they’re simply the best ways. And you’re quite happy to just leave it at that.

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Molly Gunn

Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.

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