7 Simple Rules For Being A Good Mother

Claire Kirby - 13 May 19

When it comes to being a mum there is a very definite list of rules.  You get to find out these rules on how to be a good mother at the same time as you learn what the hell to do with this baby you just produced.

1 

“Breast is best”, even when it is causing considerable stress to mum and baby, it is always best.  Until you do it in public, then breastfeeding is bad and should be hidden away so as not to make people feel uncomfortable about you doing “the most natural thing in the world”.

Moving on from the milk days when you discover that it actually no longer matters how they were fed, you must only ever feed them organic wholesome food.  Beige food is bad.  A good mother does not serve beige food.  All meals must be made into smiley faces or cute animals to encourage your child to eat the 100% organic couscous you have lovingly prepared for them.

2 

When returning to the career you worked to hard to build, you will become ‘part time mum’. One who is selfish and doesn’t put her child’s needs first.  You must spend 90% of your earnings on childcare, and have to work twice as hard as anyone else to prove your commitment to the company.

Of course you could sacrifice holidays and meals out and become a stay at home mum. But this does not set a very good example to your child or create a strong work ethic.  You will also be required to justify your existence and what you do every day.

3 

You must enjoy every moment of parenting.  Cherish them in fact.  Because it goes by so fast.  If you are not enjoying the sleepless nights, mountains of laundry, vomit, poo, tantrums, whining, and asking your kids to put their shoes on 39 times every single morning, you are not normal.  Never complain about any aspect of parenting.  This means you do not love your children.  You must never joke about selling your kids on ebay.  Only unfit mothers do this.

4 

TV is bad.  Only terrible parents allow their kids to watch television.  It doesn’t matter that there are wonderful educational programs that encourage your child’s development and learning.  TV is just bad.  It should never ever be used as a babysitter in order for you to get shit done.  The correct thing to do is to enlist your child’s help when cleaning the kitchen, They will happily mop the floor and not attempt to empty the entire contents of the cupboards.

5 

You should never allow your child to reach milestones at their own pace.  Every child should be on the exact same path and develop at the exact same rate.  They must walk by the time they are 1, recite Shakespeare by age 3, and be able to tell you what a compound noun phrase is at age 7.

6

Once you become a parent you are no longer allowed to have fun without your children. Respectable mothers do not enjoy a night out.  Good mothers do not drink gin or Prosecco.  Decent mothers stay at home with their children and do not need time to themselves to recharge, or shower without an audience.  A good mother knows that her children should be everything she needs to be a complete person.

7

If you can still hear your instincts over all the opinions on how you should be parenting, don’t listen to them.  They are wrong.  There will always be a complete stranger that absolutely knows your child better than you do.  Knowledge of your child’s favourite food, the best tickle spot, what they need to get them to sleep, or who their favourite Paw Patrol pup is, is not important.  Strangers always know better than you.

Of course these rules are nonsense mainly made up by the Daily Mail.  You are doing a great job.  And when your kid is having the mother of all tantrums in the frozen veg aisle at the supermarket, just remember we’ve all been there.

First published on Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

Claire Kirby

I’m Claire, I’m in my mid thirties (37 still counts as mid, right?). My claim to fame is that I once spoke to Phillip Schoefield on a Going Live phone in. I know, awesome. I live with three boys; The Husband, The Big One (6) who never ever stops talking, and The Little One (2) who never ever stands still. We live in a Lego house. We don’t really, but we have so much off the stuff I could probably build one. My blog is mainly about the amusing side of parenting, and life with small people. If you’ve ever been wedged in the rollers at soft play, or forgotten the change bag the day your kid projectiles, you my friend are not alone. Like anything in life, this blog is best enjoyed with tea and chocolate.

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