8 Reasons That I’m Not Putting Out Tonight!!

CantSeetheWood - 12 Jan 16

There is quite often an excuse!  I know it and my husband definitely knows it.  When we first got together I used to have the higher sex drive out of the two of us however post children this has, in the words of hip hop icons Blazin’ Squad… flip reversed!  My excuses are lame to say the least but they’re the only ones that I have so I am sticking with them!

1. My leg hair is so long that I could plait it! A valid excuse to not have sex if ever there was one.  Who can even contemplate feeling sexy when their legs resemble The New Forest?
2. I’ve got a headache. It’s a classic, there’s no disputing it.
3. I’m expecting a visitor. This really isn’t a euphemism for my time of the month…oh no, I really was expecting to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet as my youngest tried to crawl into bed with us for the tenth consecutive night.  A true sex dampener!
4. It’s only six hours until the alarm goes off! At my age, beauty sleep is important…nope scrap that….it’s vital!  There are some mornings where, even after the recommended eight hours, there should be a public safety announcement as I leave the house.  Anything less than six hours and I can see mothers shielding the faces of their children in horror as I walk past!
5. The cat is watching. Possibly my finest hour in the world of lame excuses!  My cat’s resting face is one of utter disgust.  Imagine how off putting it would be to be confronted by that face when you are getting down and heavy. Granted, we could have moved the cat however that didn’t occur to either of us!
6. I’m due on. This usually works for the days beforehand when the backache and the tender breasts kick in.  I then have the following week off as I have actually come on.  Generally speaking that covers at least ten days of a twenty four day cycle!
7. I don’t feel sexy. This is a cover all type of excuse.  The plaited leg hair is obviously a contributor to this one however it is also primarily a mental state.  It is particularly used on those days when I can’t fit into my jeans or when I’ve realised that I will never ever look like Rosie Huntingdon-Whatshername, no matter what diet, face primer or miracle hair oil I use!
8. I’m not in the mood. Last but by no means least in my running gambit of excuses.  It usually comes after a row or if I’m harbouring a grudge.  It cannot be argued with and unfortunately there is little likelihood of it being turned around!

The irony is despite all that I have just written, I like sex.  When I am actually doing it, I absolutely love it.  The problem is finding the time and being relaxed enough to get down to it.  So for the next few weeks I am going to try and stop myself whenever I hear an excuse forming in my head and just go for it.  Not tonight though darling, I’ll start tomorrow once I’ve bought a new razor!

CantSeetheWood

View profile for posts, events and more info