Molly Gunn - 20 Feb 17
People say it often, don’t they? They see a mum like me, in the trenches, with young children – probably looking knackered – and they utter the words, that you and I have heard a hundred times before.
They say: “They grow up so fast… treasure it!!” And I don’t know about you, but when they say this to me, I smile through gritted teeth because to me – the knackered mother – it is simply one more thing TO DO. And it sits there in my head, alongside putting away the washing, doing an online shop and decluttering the garage… I MUST TREASURE THE MOMENT.
Cue, massive guilt attack as I go to bed that I have not treasured the moment enough that day. And what if I wake up tomorrow and my life has fast-forwarded 20 years, and I accidentally neglected to savour the moment at all? I already experience guilt. And now as well as the usual daily guilt, I have pangs of guilt that I am not adequately savouring ‘IT.’
After someone said this to me recently, I over-compensated by sitting weirdly close to my sons while they were watching T.V. after school, asking them loads of questions about their day and then staring intently into their eyes. In the end my son Rafferty turned around and said, “Stop staring at me!! And, I can’t hear Paw Patrol when you talk so much.”
So I have decided not to stress too much about treasuring my children’s childhood, but instead focus on some things I do already that will help me bottle magical moments without too much effort..… and without freaking my kids out, too.
1. GET DOWN TO EYE LEVEL: Life is so busy it is easy to rush about, but once a day it is so worth sitting down and really talking to them at eye level. When your eyes are level it means you’re really connecting one-on-one (unlike when you are standing higher than them). When I do this I sometimes look at them and think they’re so bloody amazing I just want to bottle it forever. Even if this only lasts a few seconds. And even though later on I won’t remember that exact moment or be able to picture why the looked so brilliant or even exactly what they said, I believe the cumulative moments like this just build up to a very happy picture in my mind – and it’s THIS feeling I can take with me as they grow up.
2. PRINT PHOTOS. If you’re anything like me, you take LOADS of photos on your phone. Then what happens is… they sit on your phone. My tip is that every so often, when the mood strikes, PRINT THEM OUT – whether it’s on your home printer or via one of those brilliant photo apps (I order Polaroid-style ones from the PhotoBox App on my phone), just print out the pix and stick them up around your house with Blue-tac (don’t stress about frames, just another thing to do). Looking at these pix helps remind me of fun moments. The moment was so good you wanted to take a photo of it! And what’s cool is that kids love to look at photos of themselves & the family, too!
3. SEPARATE PHONE & KID TIME: This is important, as time spent looking at your phone when your kids are present, is like lost time. If it is work related or essential – then leave the room for 5 minutes, but don’t try and do both.. it doesn’t work! Spending time on your phone in the same room as them, means you are not fully connected to what is happening with the kids – which means time can sap away fast. Ensuring you’re not mixing the two means you’re engaging properly with them when you’re with them, and if you’re engaging then your brain will remember the details later on.
4.BUCK ROUTINE: It’s easy to get into ruts as a family, but if you can, switch it up as often as possible. Do stuff that’s different week by week – because then the days / weeks / months won’t all roll into one. Because you’re doing stuff that is out of the ordinary, your brain will remember it more. It’s like changing your journey on the way to work, changing how you interact with your family, will keep it fresh in your mind and you’ll remember it better. I’m talking simple things, like having a carpet picnic instead of dinner at the table. Or detouring on your way home to feed the ducks. Or letting your kids eat breakfast in bed. Switching up what you do will create unexpected quality time for you ALL to remember and cherish.
5. NOTE IT DOWN: Keep a notebook by your bed, and – occasionally, when you think of it – write down the stuff that happens or the things they say. Call it a diary / journal / memory jotter, whatever, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be every day or even once a week – unless you want it to be. I have a diary I have kept on and off since I became pregnant with Rafferty over 6 years ago – every so often I scribble in it, and add photos to it, and add ‘what they’ve said’ in it… it charts my pregnancies and my kids’ actions and words and other ‘stuff.’ It is precious, and I’m sure I’ll pour over it in years to come. I don’t put pressure on myself to update it all the time, and I feel it’s better that way!
6. COLLECT THE SNIPPETS: I have a mild addiction to collecting any snippet or drawing or note or bit of writing or anything that my kid’s create. I’m not talking fancy school work, but the little things – that most likely would otherwise get thrown away. Like, when my son Fox wrote his name for the first time. Totally illegible to anyone else, but I know that the massive X across the page was an x for Fox. Or the sweet notes Rafferty writes and leaves dotted around the house. These tiny things are memory joggers, and can help you look back at them with a smile. I just shove them all in a plastic folder. And one day I’ll look at them and feel grateful I kept them!
7. DELEGATE IT: Want to treasure the moment, but don’t have the energy or time? See if you can delegate some of it to a loved one – eg by not printing photos yourself but asking someone to do it for you as a present. I’ve asked my mum to do a family photo book for me for every birthday and Christmas of mine going forwards, as these are far more precious to me than other gifts. And, meanwhile my Auntie Jennifer acts as the family photographer – she loves taking photos and I ask her to send me them after any meet up. She takes photos so we don’t have to. Think about who in your family is good at photos or some other form of family documenting… and make the most of it!
8. GET AWAY: This is a new family tradition which I like a lot. We go away as a family of four (soon to be five) for 2 nights. It can be to a friend’s house / to an AirB&B / campsite… it doesn’t matter where. What matters is we get away! On these trips away, in the UK, not very far from home, we spend the time hanging out: we go swimming as a family, eat meals together, go on walks, watch films, and generally loaf. These mini breaks mean there are no home distractions and therefore it’s pretty easy to bottle the moments – because they stand out! I look back on these all really fondly and somehow they are clearer in my mind than the everyday miniature that can roll into one.
9. KISS THEM GOODNIGHT: This is a new one I do, every night, and in my head it makes me think I’m doing all I can to treasure the every day. Of course I tuck them in when they go to bed at 7.30 ish pm. But later, when I’m going to bed, at 10.30pm for instance, I make sure the last thing I do before getting into bed is going and kissing their sweet, fast-asleep cheeks. To be honest, I get guilt if I don’t. Because life rushes by fast, and I’d much prefer to think that the last thing I did that night was kiss a warm, sweet, sleepy face than – say, look at Facebook.
PS. But having said all the above. Don’t feel the guilt. Fit it into every day life. We can only do so much. The kids will grow up. We can’t stop it happening. In fact, I asked my dad recently, if he missed the child I was… and he laughed! He said, of course not, because he loves who I’ve become. I doubt he stressed about ‘savouring it.’
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Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.
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