a CRISIS in parenting

Debbie Tembo - 19 Aug 14

OMG I’m having a crisis in my parenting. Today, I witnessed the very true and sad fact that I’m raising children who feel entitled and as a result, they lack respect in some of the most critical and character defining aspects of life and I am feeling completely flawed.

I took my daughter to a music lesson this morning, to ensure that what she has learnt at school doesn’t get lost during the holidays and I noticed firsthand, how utterly rude and disrespectful she was being throughout – she wasn’t interested, she wasn’t responsive, she was playful and distracted and she even stretched herself out on the ground at one point. No amount of dirty looks and verbal prodding from myself could get her to pull herself together. After the lesson, her music teacher gently asked me, “does she always behave like this?” I wanted to die, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I apologised for her behaviour and literally ran out through the front door.

I am in crisis, because this, of course, it isn’t the first time that this has happened. In fact, it’s happened so many times during the holidays that I know that the universe is screaming at me, “Debbie, STOP, pause for a moment and rethink your parenting style and strategy, because it is not working and your children’s behaviour is testament to it”.

I know that something needs to change and fast. I’m thinking a lot about how I grew up and for the most part, I had a wholesome happy upbringing and yes, I was a rebel child at some points in my life, but I don’t remember, being disrespectful to my parents and elders. In fact, if I stepped out of line, I got a slap on the bottom and that put me in my place very quickly. I never feared my parents because of this, I never doubted their love for me, but I remember always knowing where the line was and actually that was helpful, because it set a boundary for me. So why is it that me and many other mums of my generation are so vehemently against the occasional slap, because I’m sure I’m not alone when I say, that there have been moments when my children have needed that slap and I’m almost sure that they would have even benefitted from it! Am I the only one that’s facing this dilemma?!

I mean, I’m all for engaged parenting, but how much talking to and with your children does one need to do, to just get them to understand that yes, they’re privileged in many ways, but that doesn’t give them the right to entitlement. We are living in an age of instant gratification – you can get what you want when you want it, but I don’t want my children to grow up thinking that they can get and never mind who you hurt or trample on in the process – that’s entitlement and that to me would be a failure in my parenting.
I know that my children are growing and that with that comes phases and changes, but I also know that my parenting needs some adjustment – like getting them to earn their keep rather than just giving them almost everything they want and teaching them patience and perseverance to wait for the reward. For so long, I’ve excused myself with the argument that because I didn’t have as much as a child, that therefore I want to give my kids more. I think the sentiment is a just one, but what if that comes at too high a price? Like the price of “privileged and entitled” vs. “privileged and grateful” resulting in two very different sets of little people – I know the one I’m striving for – my journey just needs a detour…

Debbie Tembo

I am Debbie, I am Mme (which means mother in Sesotho) and I am Me. I am Mme to two beautiful daughters, Lerato aged 5.5 years and Nia aged 3.5 years. I am South African-born, from the beautiful city of Cape Town, but London, UK is what I've been calling my home for the past 7 years. I am a marketing professional with work experience in the FMCG sector and in a strategic brand and innovation agency but since starting a family my career has been somewhat on ice. I started blogging as the first step in doing more for me and living out my personal mantra of "courage in my diversity over mediocrity". This is my journey, this is Mme and Me.

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