A day in my brain during mat leave lockdown…continued…

Louise ODonnell - 28 Jan 21

Part 2 

Pop out with the pram – best to get out once a day. God its freezing. Why do I feel so sad? If it was sunny, and I could see people, and Boris wasn’t a total arsehole, I definitely, absolutely wouldn’t be sad. I need to message Sarah. I haven’t heard from her in weeks and she might not be ok. God I’m a SHIT friend!! I haven’t made the beds. Its 3pm and they aren’t made. Time for Marias afternoon nap. Right Ill tidy up now. No I should do yoga. No – journal! No – batch cook!!

Oh god, Eva is home soon and I’ve not done anything. Another day of getting nowhere. OH GOD I’ll be even less ahead with anything once I’m back at work after mat leave. I waste every day away, day in day out. I cant even run the house now, or put work into my insta account. Check my phone. I need to look after my mental health. Email the counsellor.. Check my phone.

I need to lose weight. I feel sad so I’ll eat what I want today, but then tomorrow Ill DEFINITELY stop eating bad. I hope my nana is ok. I should ring her. I’m such a shit granddaughter! When the kids ae in bed tonight Ill definitely work on my account, or the ebook. Power power!! Yeah!! Ouch, what’s that? Random grief memory? Who invited you? Too much thinking time. Need to keep busy…check phone. I keep forgetting to book keeping in touch days with work. They will think I’m so lazy. Stare out window for 10 minutes. Check emails for no reason.

Time for The Chase. How can the husband be so calm? I wish I had his brain. He doesn’t worry about ANYTHING! Check phone. My god NO ONE has messaged me. My last message was seen but they haven’t replied. WHY HAVENT THEY REPLIED? I am such a loser! Why is Eva walking funny today? Something’s wrong. We need to get her seen again. Why does this NEVER go away? Grief I told you before PLEASE GO AWAY I’m trying to eat tea! TURN THE NEWS OFF JESUS CHRIST.

Ok, both kids in bed…time to bash out exercise? NO I NEED TO WRTE SOMETHING!! I need to achieve!!! But I feel so anxious. I’ll have a bath and then they’ll still be loads of the night left. ARGH its already 8.30pm and we still need to wash up and I just want to watch Married At First Sight Australia or something depressing and murderous. Check my phone. I am nothing and I will always be average. OOOFF. Don’t like that thought, best write it down for the counsellor. Why didn’t I use today to take some photos I can use for my instagram posts? Shit I didn’t do the shopping list for the online shop. 

Time to wind down. Oh hey bedtime anxiety!! Why can the husband just go to sleep? I hope my brother is ok. I bet he thinks I don’t even care. I’m such a SHIT SISTER! Check phone. Accidental trigger of past trauma online. Woosh lets ramp up that anxiety! Its ok its ok just listen to a meditation then count down from 1000. Check phone. I should really respond to that Whatsapp from Lucy. WHOOSH. Tomorrow will be better. I promise, tomorrow will be so much better. I NEED TO BOOK IN MY MOT. Check phone. Check phone. Check phone. Random crippling memory of mortifying embarrassment from 2012. Check phone. 

Louise ODonnell

Hi I'm Louise! Check out my blog posts and my Insta @loss_motherhood_etc for more musings on life after baby loss, maternal mental health and prematurity. I love to post about honest motherhood having gone through the toughest intro to it imaginable in the hope I can help others realise it wasnt just them when the fairytale went tits up! Thank you for joining me and for reading!

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