A day in my brain during mat leave lockdown
1
Part 1
Shit. Another day. Oh hey anxious pang in the stomach! Time to check my phone immediately and check Instagram. (You know, in case I miraculously grew a 10k following overnight or have some once in a lifetime opportunity waiting in my DMs). Oh I don’t, and I lost 3 followers, and that person that person and that person are all doing amazing. Balls. Lets check emails instead….oh an entry from nursery on their app that says they’ve been working on Eva’s speech by reading with her. That’s good. (Cue irrational anxious thoughts about
SelfishMother.com
2
whether she’s happy and healthy and will be ok rather than appreciate a cute photo of her reading a book). Get out of bed Louise.
Its a nursery day. On the drive home from dropping Eva off, I get that set expectation that I’ll go home and seize the day. I need to use this day and achieve. I can’t fail at it or waste it. Home. Check my phone. Nothing. I’ll just watch an episode of the US Office over a coffee. Then get Maria breakfast. Then myself some. Then I’ll get dressed. SWITCH THE NEWS OFF THE WORLD IS STILL ENDING. God I miss my mum. I miss
SelfishMother.com
3
my friends. I want to be rushing and stressed that I’m late for a baby group. I want to have plans to go and drink a latte with a friend and rant about everything with. I’ll just watch a bit of This Morning. Then I’ll DEFINATELY start achieving things. I’ve still got all day. Oh no they’ve got a covid vaccine Q&A on…best switch to Come Dine with Me. That’s better. Louise DO SOMETHING. I’ll just ring mum…don’t forget to pretend you’re totally fine and not lonely, anxious or sad though.
I should do some chores. The laundry basket is
SelfishMother.com
4
overflowing. Again. Every room is untidy. Worse than untidy. The house looks like its been burgled. Check insta. More coffee. The washing up needs doing. I’ll just WhatsApp some people and tell them I’m tired and anxious…they won’t mind because everyone else is CLEARLY FINE. Amazon delivery? I done even know what I’ve ordered. The mum across the street is walking with a pram as I take the mystery package. She has longer, thinner legs than me and considerably better hair. I need to research nurseries and schools for the kids. Crap, dad’s birthday
SelfishMother.com
5
soon. Get a card. Check phone.
Time for Maria’s nap. I’ve not achieved ANYTHING yet . But now I REALLY will. Right, she’s down. What shall I do? Check insta. I should probably exercise. But then I wont achieve anything in other stuff I want to work on. I’m on mat leave with nowhere to go. I should achieve things, I could be achieving things. I feel really low today. I’ll just have some lunch and look at the Daily Mail.
Shit shit SHIT. Maria wont be down for long and I’M WASTING THIS TIME ALONE. I should relax, look after myself, but
SelfishMother.com
6
relaxing is lazy. No one will ever achieve anything by relaxing. But aren’t we in a pandemic? Maybe I should just chill out. No ACHIEVE LOUISE! DO SOMETHING! Why are you wasting the day again? What shall I feed Maria when she wakes up? Why don’t I plan her meals? I’ll start planning them from tomorrow. Check my phone.
I could be preparing tea now for tonight. Why am I so shit and useless? The recycling needs taking out and the bathroom is grubby. Check my phone. I’ll send a GIF to the husband even though he’s only upstairs. Everyone loves a
SelfishMother.com
7
cat meme. DO SOMETHING. The fridge could really do with a clean. I don’t even know what’s in it. Another Amazon delivery? Why does the husband keep ordering books? I should be using this time to read books!! There are so many people achieving so much. I cant even take out the bins. My eyebrows are OUT OF CONTROL.
SelfishMother.com
This blog was originally posted on SelfishMother.com - why not sign up & share what's on your mind, too?
Why not write for Selfish Mother, too? You can for free and post immediately.
We regularly share posts on @SelfishMother Instagram and Facebook :)
Louise ODonnell - 28 Jan 21
Part 1
Shit. Another day. Oh hey anxious pang in the stomach! Time to check my phone immediately and check Instagram. (You know, in case I miraculously grew a 10k following overnight or have some once in a lifetime opportunity waiting in my DMs). Oh I don’t, and I lost 3 followers, and that person that person and that person are all doing amazing. Balls. Lets check emails instead….oh an entry from nursery on their app that says they’ve been working on Eva’s speech by reading with her. That’s good. (Cue irrational anxious thoughts about whether she’s happy and healthy and will be ok rather than appreciate a cute photo of her reading a book). Get out of bed Louise.
Its a nursery day. On the drive home from dropping Eva off, I get that set expectation that I’ll go home and seize the day. I need to use this day and achieve. I can’t fail at it or waste it. Home. Check my phone. Nothing. I‘ll just watch an episode of the US Office over a coffee. Then get Maria breakfast. Then myself some. Then I’ll get dressed. SWITCH THE NEWS OFF THE WORLD IS STILL ENDING. God I miss my mum. I miss my friends. I want to be rushing and stressed that I’m late for a baby group. I want to have plans to go and drink a latte with a friend and rant about everything with. I’ll just watch a bit of This Morning. Then I’ll DEFINATELY start achieving things. I’ve still got all day. Oh no they’ve got a covid vaccine Q&A on…best switch to Come Dine with Me. That’s better. Louise DO SOMETHING. I’ll just ring mum…don’t forget to pretend you’re totally fine and not lonely, anxious or sad though.
I should do some chores. The laundry basket is overflowing. Again. Every room is untidy. Worse than untidy. The house looks like its been burgled. Check insta. More coffee. The washing up needs doing. I’ll just WhatsApp some people and tell them I’m tired and anxious…they won’t mind because everyone else is CLEARLY FINE. Amazon delivery? I done even know what I’ve ordered. The mum across the street is walking with a pram as I take the mystery package. She has longer, thinner legs than me and considerably better hair. I need to research nurseries and schools for the kids. Crap, dad’s birthday soon. Get a card. Check phone.
Time for Maria’s nap. I’ve not achieved ANYTHING yet . But now I REALLY will. Right, she’s down. What shall I do? Check insta. I should probably exercise. But then I wont achieve anything in other stuff I want to work on. I’m on mat leave with nowhere to go. I should achieve things, I could be achieving things. I feel really low today. I’ll just have some lunch and look at the Daily Mail.
Shit shit SHIT. Maria wont be down for long and I’M WASTING THIS TIME ALONE. I should relax, look after myself, but relaxing is lazy. No one will ever achieve anything by relaxing. But aren’t we in a pandemic? Maybe I should just chill out. No ACHIEVE LOUISE! DO SOMETHING! Why are you wasting the day again? What shall I feed Maria when she wakes up? Why don’t I plan her meals? I’ll start planning them from tomorrow. Check my phone.
I could be preparing tea now for tonight. Why am I so shit and useless? The recycling needs taking out and the bathroom is grubby. Check my phone. I’ll send a GIF to the husband even though he’s only upstairs. Everyone loves a cat meme. DO SOMETHING. The fridge could really do with a clean. I don’t even know what’s in it. Another Amazon delivery? Why does the husband keep ordering books? I should be using this time to read books!! There are so many people achieving so much. I cant even take out the bins. My eyebrows are OUT OF CONTROL.
Did you enjoy this post? If so please support the writer: like, share and comment!
Why not , too? You can share posts & events immediately. It's free!
Hi I'm Louise! Check out my blog posts and my Insta @loss_motherhood_etc for more musings on life after baby loss, maternal mental health and prematurity. I love to post about honest motherhood having gone through the toughest intro to it imaginable in the hope I can help others realise it wasnt just them when the fairytale went tits up! Thank you for joining me and for reading!
LIST 
