WILL I BE GOOD ENOUGH?

Suzy Stanton - 27 Oct 14

I’ve always wanted to be a mum. For as long as I can remember, it was something I assumed I would be. I also assumed I would get pregnant straight as soon as we started trying. Unfortunately, I didn’t and despite our best efforts, we were unable to conceive naturally.

Fertility treatment is not something we wanted to pursue but we had always talked about adoption and as twee as it may sound, it felt like this is what we were meant to do. We decided to start our adoption journey towards the end of 2012. The assessment process took 7 months and we were approved to adopt in September 2013.

We’ve had what has, at times, felt like a never ending wait to find our little one, but nearly 11 months after approval panel, we were finally been linked with a gorgeous 7 month old baby girl. The waiting was tortuous for me. Hubby’s view was “it will happen when it happens.” Yes it will. But I wanted it to happen now. I’m ready. Aren’t I? The long wait has given me too much time to think. What if I just wasn’t meant to be a mum?

It’s one thing to love spending time with my gorgeous nieces and my friend’s kids, but quite another being responsible for one of our own 24/7. After my nieces have been to us for a sleepover, I need to sit in a darkened room to recover. I’m in awe of how they are being brought up. Their lives are full of fun and a lot of love (with a fair few tantrums thrown in for good measure).

Am I really going to be able to provide that for our little one? Now that we’ve been linked and we find out more about Little Pink, my doubts are starting to creep in. Not that she is the perfect match for us, she is, but whether I’m going to be good enough to be her mum. Will I know what to do when she cries? Will I have the patience to be calm when I’ve had no sleep?

Little pink will be 9 months old by the time we meet her, having been with her foster carer since the day after she was born. She has her own personality, her own likes and dislikes when it comes to things like food and routine. What if she doesn’t like us? We’ve already fallen in love with her from what we’ve read about her and seeing her picture, but what if that changes when we meet her?

We are going to be taking her away from everything she has ever known. Are we going to be good enough parents to make up for the loss she will suffer at not seeing the only carers she has ever known? Although she has not really seen much of her birth family in her short life, she will still suffer from the loss of not being able to live with them throughout her childhood. This may be harder for her to deal with as she gets old enough to understand her story and why adoption was the best way for her to grow up in a happy, loving and secure family. What if she thinks that was the wrong decision?

I’m sure a lot of my concerns for the future of our child are the same that any new parent has. We will do our best for her and give her as much love, security and laughter as we can. The rest we will just have to make up as we go along. I’m excited, I’m terrified, I’m curious, and I hope that for most of the time we manage to do the right thing. We can’t wait to meet you, Little Pink, and then our adventure together begins.

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Suzy Stanton

Suzy works as a legal adviser and tries to fit her passion for words around winging it being mum to a her 2 adopted daughters who are 5 and 1. She self published her first novel "Running Scared" through Amazon and blogs as We Made a Wish, sharing the rollercoaster that is adoption

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