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View as: GRID LIST

A letter to all expecting Mumma’s

1
In January 2014, we found out we were going to be having Little England. She was a tiny seedling at this point. But, to me, she was all consuming. You’ll feel just the same.

People congratulated us and the excitement was overwhelming. 10 months later (everyone tells you its 9 months but it’s actually 10 months, and the final month may as well be another 3, because that’s how slowly it goes), we welcomed Little England in to the world.

Sleep …what is that again?

Those first few months after having a baby are similar to that period between

SelfishMother.com
2
Christmas and New Year, where you generally have no fecking clue what the date or time is. You’re racked with emotion, fraught with anxiety, overwhelmed with love and absolutely mind-numbingly desperate for anything more than 4 hours sleep.

The sleep deprivation is like nothing you’ll ever experience again in your life. By the time you have a second, you’re so used to it, that it’s totally manageable and not at all surprising. The first, however, knocks the living bejeezus out of you.

You’re recovering from birthing a football and

SelfishMother.com
3
you’re being woken up approximately every 30 minutes throughout the day and night. If you’re really bloody lucky, you’ll have a child genius and they can be expected to sleep up to 8 hours within 30 minutes of being born. They will drink perfectly from your pert, un-obliterated nipples, they’ll poo when you say they can and they’ll smile and coo at you and your husband/partner from the get go (NB: this is highly unusual, but possible).

Sometimes a child genius can turn in to the devil at around 3-4 months when they go through a well-known

SelfishMother.com
4
‘sleep regression’ period. This is what Health Visitors refer to it as. I refer to it as ‘this is your new normal’. Little England is now 2 and a half and she’ll sleep for 12 hours approximately 3 nights a week. This is not a continuation of the 2-4 month sleep regression period…this is normal.

The sleep deprivation last for years… it’s excruciatingly painful but, as I said previously, you get used to it. It does have serious implications on your sex life, which leads me on to my next point.

Sexy time after babes

If, like me, you

SelfishMother.com
5
are married or in a long term relationship, you’ll probably find a couple of things happen once you’ve found out you’re expecting a baby. Initially, you may experience a surge in your desire to get jiggy with it. These are your hormones. Your hormones go beserk. At about 6 months, you’re likely to feel like an over inflated beachball. Your husband will probably be ‘afraid to hurt the baby’ and your sex life is likely to dwindle dramatically. Now, this is where the news worsens. It’s not likely that you’ll feel like doing it again for at
SelfishMother.com
6
least 6 months. Well, I didn’t.

Once you’ve pushed out your gorgeous baby, you’ll be so in love with your husband/partner as a bi product of the oxytocin produced when you have a baby. Oxytocin is amazing. However, you will also hurt in places you never knew existed. You may have piles. You might have had stitches. You probably won’t bounce back to your usual pilates induced size 8 and you definitely won’t stop (*ahem*) bleeding for at least 6 weeks. So, it’s definitely out the question for a couple of months.

By the time your bundle of

SelfishMother.com
7
joy is about a year old you can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be back on it like Sonic. It’s different though. You don’t lie in bed and enjoy languorous fornication, you pretty much get it in and out as swiftly as possible, in between the screaming coming from the nursery. As long as you can squeeze in a post sex snuggle, you’ll feel f****** fantastic! If you’re trying for another one *because your fecking nuts* (we were), you’ll probably be at it like rabbits and you might have to concede to your small child being in the room (asleep…I
SelfishMother.com
8
would hope!).

Marital harmony… pfff!!

Aside from all the sex you won’t be having, you probably will find that your ability to argue over the most mundane of things really does become superb. You’ll be able to find fault with almost everything that your partner does or doesn’t do. This is also totally normal. Mr E and I often comment on the stats surrounding new parents and divorce rates. They are ridiculously high and it is so easy to understand why. You are shattered…so tired that some days you will nod off at the traffic lights. Extreme

SelfishMother.com
9
tiredness does not bode well for a happy marriage. So, my advice to you is to get away. Dragging yourself away from your baby is one of the hardest hurdles to jump as a new parent, but it will do you the world of good…even if it’s just for a McDonalds at your local retail park (we are guilty of this). Mr E and I used to go away quite a lot when Little England was born but since Littlest England came along, we’ve hardly left them. It’s much harder when you have two (people aren’t as willing to babysit two!!) so go away as often as you can when
SelfishMother.com
10
you’ve just got one.

Bring in the troops

This leads me nicely on to my next point. Ask for help. Ask for it all the bloody time. Ask your family, friends and neighbours. We do it as much as we can get away with. Leaving your child with anyone, even your own Mother, can mean an onslaught of self inflicted mum guilt but I urge you to do it, even it allows you just a little bit of time to make yourself feel like the ‘old you’…

Bringing back the ‘old you’ (the ‘young you’)

Feeling like ‘the old you’ has been one of my most

SelfishMother.com
11
difficult tasks. When I had Little England, I quickly felt like we’d got our (on the whole) shit together. We could go out for dinner and leave her with the in laws, I never stopped working (will the Government please sort out some sort of relief for self employed mat leave?!), had help almost everyday and eventually got someone in to look after Little England at home, allowing me to go and indulge in work and occasionally, hair, shopping, nails etc.

Since Littlest England’s arrival, I have felt like a total alien. I haven’t had the right

SelfishMother.com
12
structure in place to be able to focus on anything with my all. This is where my advice comes… don’t push yourself too hard, too soon. It’s hard work. Give your body and your brain time to recover from it all and don’t pile the pressure on. It’s an enormous life change and if you push too soon, the likelihood is that you’ll burn out early.

Your bloody marvellous body

The same can be said for wanting your old body back. First babies are generally kinder on your body than subsequent. Your pregnancy aches and pains will (on the whole)

SelfishMother.com
13
disappear almost as soon as your little munchkin glides out your vajayjay. Your body will feel jiggly, tired and unfamiliar to you. When your body changes through pregnancy, you notice subtle changes over the 10 months but it’s not sudden. Your tummy grows gradually, your hips relax subtly and your boobs inflate slowly (sometimes they’ll grow in to giant babalonas within seconds of you conceiving)…but when you give birth, everything changes, very quickly. Your boobs get even bigger and start producing sticky yellow colostrum; your tummy is like a
SelfishMother.com
14
wibbly wobbly plate of jelly and finally, your whole downstairs area will feel five times bigger than it was before you went in to labour. Over the weeks that follow, everything will slowly deflate, de-sag and return to normal size (except your pelvic floor…that’s totally f*****).

You WILL feel like a big balloon

Take exercise one step at a time. The best form of exercise is walking in those early weeks. It will also do your mind the world of good. Your baby will love it. Walking saves your sanity. Get a baby carrier (my favourite is the Ergo

SelfishMother.com
15
360) and indulge in some long-ish walks with your snuggly, sleeping (they actually sleep when you walk – it mimics the safety and snuggliness of your womb) bundle smushed up against your newly inflated bazookas!

Once you’ve had the all clear from the good old Doc, get your trainers on and up the walking pace. I promise it’ll make you feel better, even if you feel like dog shite when you set off. Walking is your friend.

Finally, don’t expect it to look the same…ever again. My body is totally different. Mostly, just a lot hairier (no time

SelfishMother.com
16
for regular trips to have a Brazilian…nowadays its a quick zzzzzz over the loo!). You might have scars, stretch marks, wobbly bits, saggy tits and eye bags down to your lips…. but you’ll have babies that will annoy you even more than your droopy bosom and it’ll be worth it because you’ll adore them with every inch of your being.
SelfishMother.com

By

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- 20 Feb 17

In January 2014, we found out we were going to be having Little England. She was a tiny seedling at this point. But, to me, she was all consuming. You’ll feel just the same.

People congratulated us and the excitement was overwhelming. 10 months later (everyone tells you its 9 months but it’s actually 10 months, and the final month may as well be another 3, because that’s how slowly it goes), we welcomed Little England in to the world.

Sleep …what is that again?

Those first few months after having a baby are similar to that period between Christmas and New Year, where you generally have no fecking clue what the date or time is. You’re racked with emotion, fraught with anxiety, overwhelmed with love and absolutely mind-numbingly desperate for anything more than 4 hours sleep.

The sleep deprivation is like nothing you’ll ever experience again in your life. By the time you have a second, you’re so used to it, that it’s totally manageable and not at all surprising. The first, however, knocks the living bejeezus out of you.

You’re recovering from birthing a football and you’re being woken up approximately every 30 minutes throughout the day and night. If you’re really bloody lucky, you’ll have a child genius and they can be expected to sleep up to 8 hours within 30 minutes of being born. They will drink perfectly from your pert, un-obliterated nipples, they’ll poo when you say they can and they’ll smile and coo at you and your husband/partner from the get go (NB: this is highly unusual, but possible).

Sometimes a child genius can turn in to the devil at around 3-4 months when they go through a well-known ‘sleep regression’ period. This is what Health Visitors refer to it as. I refer to it as ‘this is your new normal’. Little England is now 2 and a half and she’ll sleep for 12 hours approximately 3 nights a week. This is not a continuation of the 2-4 month sleep regression period…this is normal.

The sleep deprivation last for years… it’s excruciatingly painful but, as I said previously, you get used to it. It does have serious implications on your sex life, which leads me on to my next point.

Sexy time after babes

If, like me, you are married or in a long term relationship, you’ll probably find a couple of things happen once you’ve found out you’re expecting a baby. Initially, you may experience a surge in your desire to get jiggy with it. These are your hormones. Your hormones go beserk. At about 6 months, you’re likely to feel like an over inflated beachball. Your husband will probably be ‘afraid to hurt the baby’ and your sex life is likely to dwindle dramatically. Now, this is where the news worsens. It’s not likely that you’ll feel like doing it again for at least 6 months. Well, I didn’t.

Once you’ve pushed out your gorgeous baby, you’ll be so in love with your husband/partner as a bi product of the oxytocin produced when you have a baby. Oxytocin is amazing. However, you will also hurt in places you never knew existed. You may have piles. You might have had stitches. You probably won’t bounce back to your usual pilates induced size 8 and you definitely won’t stop (*ahem*) bleeding for at least 6 weeks. So, it’s definitely out the question for a couple of months.

By the time your bundle of joy is about a year old you can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be back on it like Sonic. It’s different though. You don’t lie in bed and enjoy languorous fornication, you pretty much get it in and out as swiftly as possible, in between the screaming coming from the nursery. As long as you can squeeze in a post sex snuggle, you’ll feel f****** fantastic! If you’re trying for another one *because your fecking nuts* (we were), you’ll probably be at it like rabbits and you might have to concede to your small child being in the room (asleep…I would hope!).

Marital harmony… pfff!!

Aside from all the sex you won’t be having, you probably will find that your ability to argue over the most mundane of things really does become superb. You’ll be able to find fault with almost everything that your partner does or doesn’t do. This is also totally normal. Mr E and I often comment on the stats surrounding new parents and divorce rates. They are ridiculously high and it is so easy to understand why. You are shattered…so tired that some days you will nod off at the traffic lights. Extreme tiredness does not bode well for a happy marriage. So, my advice to you is to get away. Dragging yourself away from your baby is one of the hardest hurdles to jump as a new parent, but it will do you the world of good…even if it’s just for a McDonalds at your local retail park (we are guilty of this). Mr E and I used to go away quite a lot when Little England was born but since Littlest England came along, we’ve hardly left them. It’s much harder when you have two (people aren’t as willing to babysit two!!) so go away as often as you can when you’ve just got one.

Bring in the troops

This leads me nicely on to my next point. Ask for help. Ask for it all the bloody time. Ask your family, friends and neighbours. We do it as much as we can get away with. Leaving your child with anyone, even your own Mother, can mean an onslaught of self inflicted mum guilt but I urge you to do it, even it allows you just a little bit of time to make yourself feel like the ‘old you’…

Bringing back the ‘old you’ (the ‘young you’)

Feeling like ‘the old you’ has been one of my most difficult tasks. When I had Little England, I quickly felt like we’d got our (on the whole) shit together. We could go out for dinner and leave her with the in laws, I never stopped working (will the Government please sort out some sort of relief for self employed mat leave?!), had help almost everyday and eventually got someone in to look after Little England at home, allowing me to go and indulge in work and occasionally, hair, shopping, nails etc.

Since Littlest England’s arrival, I have felt like a total alien. I haven’t had the right structure in place to be able to focus on anything with my all. This is where my advice comes… don’t push yourself too hard, too soon. It’s hard work. Give your body and your brain time to recover from it all and don’t pile the pressure on. It’s an enormous life change and if you push too soon, the likelihood is that you’ll burn out early.

Your bloody marvellous body

The same can be said for wanting your old body back. First babies are generally kinder on your body than subsequent. Your pregnancy aches and pains will (on the whole) disappear almost as soon as your little munchkin glides out your vajayjay. Your body will feel jiggly, tired and unfamiliar to you. When your body changes through pregnancy, you notice subtle changes over the 10 months but it’s not sudden. Your tummy grows gradually, your hips relax subtly and your boobs inflate slowly (sometimes they’ll grow in to giant babalonas within seconds of you conceiving)…but when you give birth, everything changes, very quickly. Your boobs get even bigger and start producing sticky yellow colostrum; your tummy is like a wibbly wobbly plate of jelly and finally, your whole downstairs area will feel five times bigger than it was before you went in to labour. Over the weeks that follow, everything will slowly deflate, de-sag and return to normal size (except your pelvic floor…that’s totally f*****).

You WILL feel like a big balloon

Take exercise one step at a time. The best form of exercise is walking in those early weeks. It will also do your mind the world of good. Your baby will love it. Walking saves your sanity. Get a baby carrier (my favourite is the Ergo 360) and indulge in some long-ish walks with your snuggly, sleeping (they actually sleep when you walk – it mimics the safety and snuggliness of your womb) bundle smushed up against your newly inflated bazookas!

Once you’ve had the all clear from the good old Doc, get your trainers on and up the walking pace. I promise it’ll make you feel better, even if you feel like dog shite when you set off. Walking is your friend.

Finally, don’t expect it to look the same…ever again. My body is totally different. Mostly, just a lot hairier (no time for regular trips to have a Brazilian…nowadays its a quick zzzzzz over the loo!). You might have scars, stretch marks, wobbly bits, saggy tits and eye bags down to your lips…. but you’ll have babies that will annoy you even more than your droopy bosom and it’ll be worth it because you’ll adore them with every inch of your being.

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