A letter to my last

Amy - 26 May 16

My sweet, sweet baby girl,

As you lie in my arms, having only been on this earth for 7 short weeks, I know my heart is full. So full. I see you changing every single day, your first smiles, your first sounds; and as I fold away those beautiful newborn clothes you’ve outgrown, I know I am blessed. I see your big brother watching you in wonder, and you watching him right back. I feel like my heart could burst, right there in that second.

You are both so very loved.

But my heart also aches, it aches because I know that every one of your amazing firsts will be my lasts. My last first smile, my last first giggle, and my last first steps. I know, deep down (some days much deeper down than others), that our family is complete. You, me, your big brother, and your dada – the four of us.

At 25 years old, my child bearing and birthing days are done. That stage of my life, which I always dreamed of, which I willed to be here, and which I sometimes wished would move quicker, is over. Some days I feel confident with our decision to not extend our little family; I look to the future and dream about the many adventure we will have together and I can’t wait to see what life has waiting for us! But some days, some days are hard. Some days I look at you and see how quickly time is passing us by, and it’s bittersweet. There are times when I mourn for the brother or sister I will never give you. I mourn those precious first movements I will never feel inside of me again, the birth I will never experience again, and those incredible first days of getting to know the tiny human I have spent 9 moths dreaming about.

Please don’t feel that you’re not enough for me, you and your brother will always be enough. Even at your very worst, you will be enough. You both are everything good in this world and it’s such a privilege to watch you grow, i’m so excited to see who you both become! You are my purpose. But, as you run and play together, if you ever catch a glimpse of sadness hidden deep behind the joy, please know it isn’t either of you who caused it. A part of me will always wonder how another child would have fitted into our lives…

So, as we leave this treasured newborn stage, I will cherish every beautiful moment with you, because each of your incredible firsts will be my lasts,  I hope I can be there for every one of them.

Thank you for showing me just how much love I am capable of,

Your Mama x

Amy

Married to my childhood sweetheart. Mother of a very feisty, independent two year old boy and a beautiful, sweet baby girl. My day to day life consists of mainly baby wraps and slings, cloth nappies, Harry Potter, leggings, and chocolate.

View profile for posts, events and more info