A letter to myself pre-motherhood

Ashthemum - 1 Apr 19

When you think you feel ready to have a baby give yourself another year before you start trying. You’re the sort of couple that find satisfaction in ticking off tasks, in seeing new places and in doing things your own way. Having a child will hinder your ability to do these things and you’ll find that frustrating and sometimes resent that you didn’t do more before having a baby. But if you wait that’s another year of your life without them. Them; the light of your life, the only thing that can make your heart burst and ache with every emotion. You will forever struggle to articulate the feelings you feel and the love you have for your child. You will see your previous self as a shell of a person, empty and basing success, purpose and joy on things that will bear no significance compared to what you feel as a mother. Nothing will ever be as important or conjure up as many emotions.

Unlike some mums you will not want being a mum to define you, you want to have other things to talk about yet you’ll find that actually nothing will consume or interest you more than conversations about parenting and babies. Somebody saying you’re a good mum will be the most meaningful compliment you could ever get. All those years spent questioning who you are and what your purpose is in life will be put to rest. You will question if you are a good mum; you’ll put in hours of research but find you’re still winging it. You will constantly compare your parenting ability and style to other mums and take tips and make judgments but you’ll wonder how they manage and what they truly feel.

You will feel like a piece of furniture in the house. You will feel that you’re dull and therefore ignored and unappreciated and by your partner and your child. All you seem to be needed for is sorting the washing, doing the dishes and keeping the fridge stocked and you’ll fail at these menial tasks and feel totally useless. But there will be times when you are the only thing your child needs; your presence, your touch, your voice will be what soothes and reassures them and that will bring you an immense sense of commitment and purpose.

You’ll daydream about a time where you’ll be able to have holidays where you can snorkel and sunbathe again, where you’ll be able to chose any restaurant you fancy and wonder when you’ll ever not need to clock watch again. You’ll relish opportunities to have alone time but feel nothing but guilt and longing for the duration that your little person is away from you. You won’t be able to go a few minutes without your mind wandering back to thoughts of them and what they’re up to.

You’ll roll your eyes and sigh with disappointment when you hear those middle of the night cries. You will wonder what you got yourself into knowing that you brought this all upon yourself and feel stupid for complaining. You’ll pray for sleep. You’ll pray for good health. You’ll pray that everything will be worth it. Your marriage will take a backseat and you will worry and feel bad for the lack of effort and reminisce about how much excitement there used to be and promise to get back to that place. Your husband will frustrate and annoy you more than ever but you will also never feel more love towards him than when you see the bond he shares with your child.

You’ll become more considerate, more patient, more understanding. You’ll feel that you sacrifice so much and that you’re running on empty, unable to give anything more and just desperate for some sort of reward. Although fleeting there will be moments in a day or in a week where you will be rewarded with an unprompted cuddle or a new saying or skill from your little one and it truly will melt you and you’re heart will fill itself up and give you the encouragement you seek to keep on trying to be the best mum, the right mum for them.

Ashthemum

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