A letter to New Mum Me

Emma Jones - 18 Apr 18

It’s going to happen, you’re going to be a Mummy. It’s what you’ve been waiting for and praying for a long time now.

The rush of love that everyone tells you about is true. You’re going to place her above everyone else you’ve ever known and you’ll understand what it’s like to love someone with every fibre of your being. But there are some things we need to talk about first….

She won’t arrive on her due date, she’s going to be here 3 weeks before which will throw you off and she’s going to make you work for it. Labour is going to be painful and long and exhausting but it’s going to be worth every second and you won’t care about your birth plan or any ridiculous expectations you’ve set upon yourself or you feel others have set on you….. because that’s all bullshit and the only thing you will care about is welcoming her safely into the world.

The first few days and weeks are going to be tough, you’ll feel like she is made of glass and you’ll find out that she isn’t. It’s going to feel like everyone is on your case from midwives to health visitors to family and friends and this is because you’re going to be more tired than you ever thought was possible. You will spend the whole day looking forward to getting some ‘sleep when she sleeps’ but when it comes to it you’re just going to sit there and stare at her. Watch her little chest fall up and down while she breathes and you’ll marvel at how astonishing she is to you.

At some stage and at least once, you are going to feel like you’ve failed her / yourself / the world. It’s only natural because what you’re doing is completely new. There are no manuals or instructions and you’ll be trying to operate on sleep deprivation and chocolate but if you are trying to do a good job then you will be. Please be kind to yourself and understand that this is one of the rare times in life when you will get out what you put into this.

Any expectations you are feeling have probably being placed there by yourself….the house can stay a mess, there can always be another deliveroo ordered and who cares if you don’t shower until bed time? Nobody minds, everyone wants you to do well and if you don’t shower for a day and remain covered in sick then guess what….the world will still turn.

This is going to be a really tough one for you, please try not to blame yourself. If she cries non-stop, if she doesn’t settle, if she won’t latch on. These are all things part and parcel of her finding her way and you finding yours, in the same way you wouldn’t dream of apportioning blame onto her you should cut yourself some slack. You will both find your way together and that journey should be full of learnings and blame free. It’s no-one fault it’s just your new life as a family finding it’s way.

Limit the amount of fucks you give to the things that really do not matter as you’ll end up giving yourself a hard time over this. She is your daughter and you are her mother, if you want to give her a dummy then give her a dummy. Likewise if you don’t want the hassle of the under 1s group when she is 4 weeks old then don’t go. You’ll only use the pressure of being there as another weapon for beating yourself up when you turn up late and the nappy explodes and you don’t know any of the words to wind the sodding bobbin up. You’ve got so much time for that in the weeks and months ahead, right now all she needs is you to cuddle and feed her.

Everyone will give you well-meaning advice, all you need to do is nod and smile. This sounds easy but your hormone cocktail can make this tricky, but just nod and smile. Take on some of the advice and don’t worry if it’s not for you. Remember that generally people are basing this on their own experiences of their own children (which is usually a maximum of 3 or 4) and one day you’ll find yourself doing the same.

Lastly but by no means least, just go with it. Every late night, every awkward or painful feed, every time you both get through more outfits than you thought possible because theres a stain and you can’t recall in your sleep deprived mind if it’s pooh or sick. Just go with it, keep at it and know that if you’re sat caring about whether you’re doing a good job then it pretty much means you are.

Love,

Em x

Emma Jones

My thoughts on the monumental changes that happen when you become a Mama, what it is taking to feel like ‘me’ again without feeling guilty and why we shouldn’t feel bad for ‘wanting it all’.

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