A Mother’s Guide To Cheat A Stress Free Christmas

Abigail Farrant - 7 Dec 18

Are you feeling the pressure now its December? Are you regretting laughing at those irritating smug people who announced they had their Christmas shopping bought and wrapped in August? They don’t seem so mental now do they? Maybe you should have taken a leaf out of their book back in August when all the toys were in stock and you had all the time in the world. Are you twitching with rage whilst watching Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas? More like Kirstie’s Just Give A Clever Craftsman A Lot Of Money Christmas. I’ll stick with three for two at Boots but thanks for the advice Kirst. Twat. If that sounds like you then read on because here is my tried and tested advice on how to cheat your way to a stress free Christmas.

Lets start with cards. They are a big pain in the arse and take up so much of that precious time, not to mention money. Did you know a first class stamp isn’t seventeen pence any more? You think you are being money savvy by hand delivering them yourself but you end up becoming a card delivery ninja trying to post it through the door without being seen by the receiver which will result in a lengthy chat (probably about how stressed you both are about Christmas) and before you know it an entire morning has gone by and you’ve only delivered three cards. So here is the solution, don’t do them! You can get away with this by announcing on Facebook or Instagram that this status is your merry Christmas to all but you wont be writing cards this year as you have decided to do your bit for the environment and don’t want to waste paper. Maybe colour it with a few powerful hashtags like #savingtheworldonecardatatime or #gogreenatchristmas. Everyone will congratulate you on being so earthly and caring they will never need to know its simply because you can’t be arsed.

The card problem doesn’t just end there when you have children at school. They insist on sending one to every member of their class and equally you then receive one back. Yey sixty fucking mini cards that you have to display in your house. When after the first three cards writing them is suddenly torturous to your child maybe suggest that they scrap them like you did and save the world at the same time. This will not go down well as everyone must get a card because everyone is giving cards and everyone will know that you haven’t given a card, heaven forbid you are the only non card giver! You try to hurry them up with encouraging compliments like ooh that’s lovely writing, look how neat that is etc but unfortunately that will not work and at this rate you will be giving them out at Easter. But don’t worry there is a simple solution. You write them yourself with your left hand. You’ll have them done in minutes. Try not to write too squiffy as you don’t want the other parents thinking your child is a total thicko and cant write their own name but just wobbly enough to look like your child wrote them. Maybe neck a glass of mulled wine to really add to the authenticity and get you in the Christmas spirit.

Have you been fooled into letting an elf on the fucking shelf into your home? Were you tricked into thinking wouldn’t it be jolly to all laugh at the naughty elf and his mischievous antics? Oh how much festive fun that would be. You forgot one tiny detail though didn’t you? The elf doesn’t move by its bloody self! A wise Mum once told me she doesn’t have an elf in her house because she told her children he only visits the homes of naughty children to keep an eye on them for Santa. She now has happy children proud in the knowledge that they are well behaved and an elf free advent. What a bloody genius! It is too late for me now but you can save yourselves. As parents we are all familiar with the feeling of waking up from a peaceful slumber only to be quickly filled with dread as you realise you didn’t put the tooth fairy money under the pillow and take the bloody tooth! But its too late you can hear movement, the child has discovered the tooth fairy didn’t come and their childhood will be ruined forever if you don’t act fast and you will win the award for the shittest Mum ever. So you are now down stairs chucking glitter on the doormat and writing a tiny fairy sized note explaining that as it was a bit windy last night the fairy couldn’t visit because they can’t travel in winds of more than forty five miles per hour due to their tiny wing expansion. A massive web of lies that will snowball and before you know it you’ve made up the entire law of fairy physics. Well imagine that feeling every night for the whole of advent when you realise you forgot to move the fucking elf! There is only one way around this. Set an elf alarm. In fact set an alarm to remind yourself to set an alarm. Preferably one around eight when you can start preparing what destruction the little prick will get up to tonight and then one around ten before you go to bed, therefore avoiding that three am nightmare when you bolt up right in bed announcing you forgot to move the fucking elf. Don’t start with grand situations, don’t go filling the sink with marshmallows on night one. You will only have to uphold this level for twenty three more nights. Maybe start with the elf reading a book and build from there. Don’t forget you might come up with twenty four clever circumstances for your elf this year but that dickhead will be back next year and you will have to think of twenty four new ones. Pinterest is a very good source of elf ideas but try not to sway from wholesome fun. Inapropriate elf is very funny but placing him in a threesome with Barbie and Ken will only result in a lot of questions from your child and you really don’t have time for that right now. Also please bear in mind wherever you place him that’s where he will have to stay for the entire day. You can’t move him or touch him as this will apparently rub off some of his magic. You will have to put up with flour elf snow angels on your kitchen floor or socks in your Christmas tree for the entire day as the lazy bugger doesn’t clean up after himself.

Whilst we are on subject of Christmas traditions I have some wisdom I would like to share on the Christmas Eve box. Doesn’t it sound like a brilliant idea to distract your children from the excitement of Christmas day? What a lovely tradition to start, you can snuggle up in the new onesies whilst reading Twas The Night Before Christmas. But somehow it doesn’t go to plan, your children are in their new onesies buzzing their tits off high on sugar from the Santa lolly and hot chocolate you added to the box. Maybe try leaving out the sugary treats and replace them with seasonal fruits like dried cranberries or a Satsuma. Ha ha I know that’s hilarious but just imagine their faces when realise they’ve been given fruit as a present ha ha ha! Ok fine add the chocolate and all that crap, just add a tranquilizer gun too. Remember to choose your traditions carefully because what ever you start you will have to uphold for the foreseeable future whether it works for you or not. Children have the memory of a government secret agent. If you think letting them open one present on Christmas Eve one year will be forgotten the next, you are wrong. It might be a short temporary fix to get them out the way whilst you prepare the house for Christmas but you will create monsters. Just one present will give them the taste and like a vampire to blood they will be thirsty for more. The next thing you know you will have tiny crack addicts crying at your feet pleading for just one more hit, just a small one, the smallest one pleeeease!!!!!

The school can be very demanding at this time of year. You are doing your best to keep up with all the different events, remembering to bring a pound, buy raffle tickets, take time off work for all the carols, nativity, Christmas bloody jumper day, it goes on. But there is one corner you can cut at the Christmas fair. The tombola contribution. Like a school Mum pro you have been ready to bring in that tombola prize all year. Why? Because it was the prize you won last year and you’ve been saving it ever since. So dust off that rank smelling candle, get out that lavender talc (seriously who uses talc?) because today is the day you bring it back to school only to return with something else equally useless, but don’t worry this goes back in the cupboard ready for next year. If you want to add a bit more excitement start marking these items with the date and you can marvel at how many years the same old tatt goes backwards and forwards. Unless its your lucky year and you are the grand winner of chocolate or wine, in this case well done you legend but don’t forget you wont be ready for next year.

Finally, can we all stop wasting our breath on telling everyone we won’t be wasting our money this year. We all know that’s bollocks. You might start out with good intentions of cutting back but you will get far too excited and go overboard once again. So just go for it (obviously remember to save a bit for the important things like the mortgage and wine) it will be worth every penny to see their faces but don’t forget the joy your child gets from opening all their toys and presents will be short lived if you don’t play with them. Because all they really want is your time, so get down on the carpet and be a kid a again and give the gift of time in great abundance.

Merry Christmas!

Abigail Farrant

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