Afraid of nothing

Susannah Montana - 19 May 16

Afraid of nothing…. That makes me sound pretty cool and fearless, non? Alas, ask anybody who knows me, I am a huge wimp. Dark rooms, strange noises, an “unknown number” appearing in caller display on my phone…. I am possibly the only person in the world to have played two entire seasons of rugby and managed not to touch the ball even once, let alone make any rugby tackles.

So no, I am not here to speak about being fearless, as grand an aspiration as that may be. Rather, I wish to share my fear of doing nothing. Specifically, doing “nothing” with my toddler in tow.

Today was a particularly normal day in our house…. My husband sauntered in from work at about half 5 and my eldest son raced up to him and wrapped both arms around his legs – “Daddy!”

Husband: What did you all get up to today then?

Toddler *thinks for a moment*: Nothing.

Well, let me clear this up. Today, whilst doing “nothing”, my son in fact did the following:

– Got up and played on the trampoline in the garden in his pyjamas;
– Had a breakfast picnic of dinosaur pancakes;
– Drew chalk pictures on the paving slabs (top tip: the black chalk was an error and may be there for life);
– Built a fort using all the clean sheets and towels from which he then had to be forcibly removed to enable teeth/hairbrushing and getting dressed to take place;
– Took Eric the dog for a long walk/bike ride, casually asking Mummy to “carry me?” every five minutes because between the baby, the buggy, the dog and the balance bike Mummy clearly wasn’t pulling her weight;
– Made 12 custard tarts and ate 4 of them (okay so he only had 2…. Don’t tell my husband);
– Threw tomato soup all over the kitchen floor “because Eric wanted some”;
– Drew a picture of a dinosaur with felt tips and told Mummy off because she couldn’t guess which end was the head;
– Decorated the dinosaur with glitter which he then trailed all over the house;
– Played five games of hide and seek, conserving energy by using the exact same hiding place every time and giggling loudly to himself when silly old Mummy couldn’t find him;
– Hatched a dinosaur egg (really cool, definitely recommend that one);
– Took off his T shirt and tried to get fish out of the fish tank with a net while Mummy was changing the baby;
– Did quite a lot of boogying to his favourite song (Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”); and
– Played “Twister” (if you haven’t done this with your toddler you definitely should, it’s hilarious)

…..and those are just the things my sleep-deprived brain can remember!

So no, I am not fearless; I am afraid – afraid of “nothing”, because doing “nothing”, it transpires, is fantastically fun but pretty bloody exhausting. So now that the children are asleep (at least for the next couple of hours) I am going to reward myself with some rubbish telly, a browse of the Topshop website and a big glass of “something” (okay, a cup of tea) and enjoy doing, well, not a lot.

Susannah Montana

Mum to two gorgeous, hilarious boys, wife to burly carnivore, writer. Luckiest girl in the world.

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