All about mum guilt

Rachel Brown - 14 Nov 17

Through my job I’ve ended up doing quite a few personality tests. I rather like them – whilst not always completely accurate, it does give me a bit of insight into myself and those people around me. I remember a nugget of information from one of the tests rang true with me when it said that I was likely to have a low threshold for guilt (i.e. I feel it a lot), to the extent that I could feel guilty on other people’s behalf. The analogy I always use to explain this to people is when I used to commute by train into London – on a busy train where I had arrived in time to get a seat but there was only standing room for anyone else wanting to get on, I would feel guilty when shouts of “Can you move down please!” came from the doors but the people in standing in the aisle didn’t move an inch, despite the fact that it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t do anything about it.

It has therefore come as a surprise to me that there is a lot of chat from us online mums about feeling “mum guilt” about EVERYTHING to do with parenting, and yet I only seem to feel it about a few specific things. I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel anxious about all the things… in fact I sometimes wonder if I am wrong for not feeling more guilty about my parenting because everyone else seems to be saying they’re feeling guilty about so much. Part of me feels like I should be saying I do in order to follow some kind of trend and fit in, but actually I’m proud and not at all ashamed about some of the decisions I’ve made, and think I should own them. I hope you can too!

That said, there are some things I worry about (I’m not perfect by any means!) so here are a few of the things I do and do not feel mum guilt about…

NOT GUILTY

• I do not feel guilty about how I gave birth

My labour with my first born was long (48 hours from waters breaking until he was out), tiring (I know it is for everyone but I had three nights of no sleep during labour before being handed my newborn to look after), medicalised (a hormone drip, epidural and ventouse delivery) and it all felt very much out of my control. Not exactly what I had hoped for, but do I feel guilty about it? No! In fact I feel strong for getting through such a difficult experience.

• I do not feel guilty about how I fed my baby

I hadn’t really considered the possibility that I wouldn’t breastfeed my baby, but after such a draining experience of birth (see above) it just didn’t go my way. I had masses of milk (my son actually put on weight for his 10 day check) but I was in brain-addling agony to the point where I was starting to hate my child for getting hungry. Therefore, changing to bottle feeding was a massive relief that saved my (and my husband’s) sanity and allowed me (and my husband) to bond peacefully with our baby. No guilt there!

• I do not feel guilty about putting my child in nursery so I can work

I love my son more than anything, but what I do not love is the monotony of changing, feeding, nap time and waving garishly coloured toys about in front of a small child. After 10 months of maternity leave I was desperate for adult conversation and to be able to use my intellect for something that wasn’t baby related. I also think nursery or other childcare is great for kids to get interacting with other little beings their own age and, as they get older, prepare them for the next 14 years of their life (i.e. school!). Therefore, I’ve never felt bad about letting someone else look after my child while I do grown up work!

GUILTY

• I do feel guilty about screen time

One of my favourite times of day is after breakfast when I snuggle up under a blanket on the sofa with my son so he can watch TV and I can finish a hot cup of tea while scrolling through Instagram. We both get to cuddle up to one another while doing something we enjoy. And, let’s face it, it’s also super useful to leave him in front of the TV so I can get dressed. However, at any other time of day, especially at the weekends when everyone needs a bit of a rest, I feel terrible that we’re not doing something physical or imaginative or creative or outdoors… or anything that’s not in front of a screen!

• I do feel guilty that my son doesn’t walk everywhere

At three and a half he’s at a frustrating in-between stage where he really has gotten too big for the buggy, but as we’re right on the edge of town the 15-minutes-for-an-adult walk is still a bit much for him (especially on the way home when it’s up hill). So at the moment we’re either bribing him with the promise of a lolly from the shop, or resorting to talking the car. Neither of these options make me feel good, and I’m constantly wondering if other parents we pass think I’m a horrible person for using these tactics.

• I do feel guilty that I don’t do more playdates

Although I don’t feel guilty for using childcare so I can work, I do recognise that my son gets really tired from being there. Therefore, on my day off a week and at weekends I’ve generally stuck to quieter activities just with me or with close family. But now I am starting my second maternity leave I have started to think about how I am going to fill our days and if I should have got better at one-on-one playdates earlier so that I don’t have to navigate the ins-an-outs of setting them up while also looking after a newborn.

So, as I hope you see I’m not so heartless that I don’t feel any guilt, but I often wonder if people feel guilty for the fear of being judged (I certainly do). So if you are out there worrying that you haven’t done the right thing, remember that what is right for you isn’t going to be right for someone else. Own your decisions and experiences knowing that you’re doing what works for you and your family.

Rachel Brown

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