Am I too nice?

Hayley Blundy - 14 Aug 18

Am I? I mean, my toddler probably wouldn’t say so after 3 minutes on the step of shame… but in business, I am starting to wonder if I am? I’m new. I’m keen. I want to learn yet I feel like an imposter. I doubt myself often and I am fast losing faith in myself. Just a few weeks ago, I thought I had it sussed and now I just feel quite naive!

Let me set the scene…I’m a few months into my events company and the journey so far has been a real eye opener. (Before I get into this, I know this is only the start of my career and one day I will look back on all these worries and laugh but I promised to document my journey and so this is it!) Playing host for various workshops etc means I am reliant on others to help me put on a show. To play a part in the face of my business. To understand what I am about and how much it means to me… but what if they don’t? I can tell you now… they don’t…because rightly so, they have their own agenda, their own priorities and their own business to shape and run.

So far, I feel as if I am always apologising for taking up too much of someones time, for chasing them over and over and coming across as needy. I have been trying to think of this another way. Why am I not a priority? How can I make my proposition more desirable? What will make people want to work with me? How do I get ‘in’ with the right influencers? Why have I found myself getting treated with little respect but putting up with it so as not to cause a rift in the wrong pool? Do I need to be more ballsy, more arrogant and more self assured? The trail of thought always leads me back here: Am I enough? Am I liked? I spend so much of my time worrying about these two points that I think it hinders my progression. How can I shake this up without having to lose touch with my natural empathy? I put on the face, I do the socials with snazzy hashtags and excitable boomerangs because I know that at one time, I had a very clear vision. It’s somewhat blurry right now and I feel a bit lost.

Alongside all this, I have been made redundant from my employed job whilst on Maternity leave (nothing dodgy – just annoying). I told myself it was a blessing in disguise as I genuinely didn’t want to go back to the company anyway. I was so sure something would come up. Well…. it isn’t and recently, I had my very first job interview after a year off work. It’s fair to say I was torn to pieces by this woman. She went through my c.v and questioned every career decision I had made, wanting to know, in depth, why I had made the choices I had and berating me for the ones she didn’t agree with. She told me I hadn’t found my place in the world, that it is hard to put a fix on me, that I really shouldn’t rule out university and that it’s clear I am a grafter. Only one of those statements is true but I am no pauper and refuse to beg to work for someone that clearly gets off on putting others down. She told me a further three times that everyone in the company has at least two degrees then invited me on a tour off the office to brag about the luxurious settings! Hindsight tells me I should have left. I should have smiled politely, explained that it wasn’t going to work out and gone but honestly, it took me so long to realise what was happening that I left in pure disbelief. I didn’t event realise that we had not discussed the actual job I was applying for because I had just spent 45 minutes justifying my existence. So I ask myself again, am I too nice? Why did I let that happen? Why was I so eager to please and so desperate to be respected, liked and wanted by this woman? The irony of the story is that she herself does not have a degree. Go figure? You’ve probably guessed that I was not called back for the second interview.

It’s fair to say that after all this, I am having a wobble. Prior to that experience I had spoken to various recruiters and had a very similar chat with all of them whereby, despite being told that my cv is excellent, that I am ‘perfect’ for the role, I am just what they are after and how excited they are to have found me there is always one thing that stops them dead in their tracks and completely changes the tone of the conversation. “I am a parent and would like to consider part time or flexible working”… oh. Suddenly, they need to go, they will have to ring me back, they are not sure that will work out. Today I was told that part time jobs are for people winding down at the end of their career or only really an option for people returning to work after maternity (but who were employed by the same company beforehand). So where does this leave me? This is not the first time I have been here either I was also made redundant during my first pregnancy. How the fudge am I supposed to get an employed job in my area of expertise that works alongside my family commitments? Ideas on a postcard! Again…. Am I too nice? Should I be saying to these recruiters that I am still the very worthy, viable candidate that I was 30 seconds ago – the very same woman that you said was perfect for the role? How do I do this without sound too highly strung, overly emotional and like I would be a pain in the backside to employ? I’ve begun reaching out to companies direct that I just like the look of and going with a ‘Hey, this is me, these are my skills and this is my availability – can I work for you’ vibe so I’ll keep you posted as to that works out for me!

So anyway, to cut a massive rant short – getting an employed job is a priority right now as I definitely can’t continue with my events company with no money behind me. I think I need to do that and then revisit my original values and goals for Mum Powered Events and basically chill the eff out for a bit!

I’m writing this only for me really so if anyone reads it, it will be purely by chance. Thank you to anyone that did! Say hi 🙂

Hayley Blundy

Hey! I am a Married, working Mama of two juggling life the best I can! I suffered with PND and started my business Mum Powered Events to celebrate Mothers for all that they are. I'm also a former street dance teacher and run a dance company with my best friend. I could teach you Thriller, if ya like?!

View profile for posts, events and more info