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An open letter from a Guilt Ridden NICU Mum
You, the mum who is crippled with guilt.
Every mum has guilt, there are so many articles to make you ’accept’ and ’move past’ your ’mum guilt’. However, as a mother you will always feel guilty about something it is like it’s added into our biological make up of being a mother.
You, the one who nearly died during labour and has to bottle feed because your to weak to breast feed.
You, who’s baby is in NICU and no amount of breast feeding will fix what is wrong with him.
You, who will still be drawn into the
You, who already feels guilty that your bottle feeding, and you who begins to resent the people who only have a few breast feeding problems compared to what your going through. You, who begins to feel guilty at resenting them, its not their fault but
You, who feels guilty that you get to sleep at night while your baby is in the special care unit being looked after by nurses. You, who feels guilty that maybe you are a bit lucky not to be having to wake up every three hours to look after them, as when your partner left after giving birth, before there was a problem you were crapping yourself at the thought of looking after this little
You, who now wishes you can take those feelings away and not have them in the special care unit, not attached to wires, tubes and machines while you sleep in the room on your own. You, who feels the most guilt you have ever felt for even thinking this.
You, who feels guilty that you’re getting frustrated at family and friends not understanding what you are telling them in terms of medical definitions and why do they all keep asking the same questions. How do they not understand? How do they think you can keep
They can empahisise of course they can but unless you’ve experienced no one can really truly understand how you feel. Then you feel guilty for being a bitch. Its okay, it really is. They will understand in the long run, you can then explain how you felt at the time. If they love you they will not care you are pushing them away they will still be there for you. In time, you will see this.
You, who feels guilt they
You, who feels guilty when your child’s operation gets cancelled and you know the sheer amount of effort that you will have to go through when you have to back hundreds of miles the next week.
You, who feels guilty for going
You, who is guilt ridden that you chose to stay down the road so you can get some rest rather than by the side of your child’s bedside when they are moved to the children’s ward. With the other kids, there families and the machines and nurses you wont sleep. What good are you to your child with no sleep? You need to look after
You, who is so tired they physically cannot be bothered to do anything but sit on the sofa an feel guilty that you’ve not taken the baby out to a playgroup or play date or even have an activity set up so they are ’stimulated’. You, who feels guilty that you’ve sat the baby in front of the telly all day and sat on your phone and let them eat junk.
You, who feels guilty that they are not drinking from a sippy cup, not self soothing, not eating organic trout and veggies for tea did you do something wrong?
You, who feels
You, who feels guilty you haven’t lost the baby weight and look like a tramp most days compared to the glamour mums at nursery.
You, who feels guilty that you don’t pay enough attention to your partner, that you spend days wondering why your not having sex and if its your fault, are you making enough effort? That they are completely put off from watching you give birth and going to hell and back with your child having
You, that feels guilty that you ate m & m’s for tea and have been wearing pjs all day and done no housework and the house is a tip.
You, that counts the hours down until your partner comes home then feels guilty for picking an argument with them and going to bed half an hour after they got home.
You, who feels guilty that you’ve spent too much money on
You, that feels guilty after the baby has been winging all day and snap, or shout and the hurt in their eyes crushes you and you feel like a compete failure as a mother.
You, that feels guilty after not having any patience and looks forward to bedtime.
You, that feels guilty for dropping them off with family just so you can have a break.
You, that feels guilty for going to work, so you buy a present for your baby in your lunch hour but they don’t really need any more things.
You, that feels guilty that all you go on about is your baby, their operation and motherhood to your family, friends and colleagues for the
You, who feels guilty when someone announces a birth or pregnancy as you know the familiar feelings of resentment and jealousy resurface. They will get to take their healthy baby home straight away right? Not have to send countless days in hospital or worry
You, who still fells hard done by, and guilty for feeling this even though your baby has survived and come through something traumatic and they are okay.
Honestly, you, will feel guilty something’s will effect you more than others, something’s will play on your mind for a very long time. Does the guilt ever go away? No, I wont lie or sugar coat it for you it will not help. But it will lessen I promise. There will always be something but after time has passed at least you can
Its normal and you are human. My advice? Ride it out, if you feel it, you feel it for a reason and in a few months you can acknowledge and process it, or when all else fails say f*** it and start feeling guilty that your child just fell out of their chair and hit their head whilst you were reading/ typing this.
*Sigh* see there is always something.
From a guilt ridden NICU mother who loves a good swear word- try it I
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