An Open Letter to My Son, Who Was Directly Impacted by My Addiction

Patricia Moceo - 29 Mar 19

My experience, into motherhood, was unsavory – to say the least. I was 20 when I gave birth to my son. He stole my heart, from the second I laid eyes on him. My entire life I had been searching for unconditional love, and I finally found it. The insanity of this – not even he could save me from my unrelenting alcoholism and addiction. I was prescribed opiates and disillusioned with the idea that I will only take these as prescribed. It wasn’t long before I was waking up and satisfying my lust for opiates, before even kissing my son good morning.

My son was 3 years old when my mom unexpectedly passed away and all bets were off. I couldn’t convince anyone, much less myself, that I had my addiction under control.  I was dragging my son along with me as I relentlessly chased opiates. Sure, I had episodes of being the fun mom, but only after I had my fix. I was unpredictable, impatient, risky, and emotionally bankrupt. I became the mother I swore I never would be. Finally, I left for a treatment facility in Florida.

My son endured the harsh consequences of my addiction, far more than I’d like to admit.  In early recovery, I carried a seemingly hopeless amount of guilt and shame. Once I realized that none of those feelings served either of us, my life was revolutionized.  I began taking action and I continue to suit up and show up for him daily. I will spend the rest of my life trying to right my wrongs. My son is 8 now, but still too young to fully comprehend the magnitude of addiction and my remorse. If he were a little bit older, this is what I would share with him.

My Sweet Liam,

You are so brave. Your resilience and kind heart never cease to amaze me. I cannot express how proud of you I truly am. Given the circumstances, you are a true testament to the ultimate redemption story.

I want you to know, that my addiction was never your fault. In fact, it had nothing to do with you at all. I was very sick and I was up for battle, against my addiction, every single day. I am ashamed that you saw a drink in my hand, more often than not. You witnessed situations that were incomprehensibly inappropriate for any child. I was so far from being the example you needed and the mother you deserved. My sweet boy, words will never grant justice to the harm I caused but I want you to know how sorry I am.

Your genetic predisposition to this disease terrifies me but as I watch you grow, I have learned that genetics are only a small portion of this disease. Awareness is key. I promise I will never project my failures onto you. I promise I will always fight for you. I promise that I will be here to hold your hand if you ever find yourself traveling down the same road I did. I will always remind you that my choices do not have to predetermine yours. You were uniquely created to travel down your own path, and I will always be your number one fan.

As you know, life has changed completely for both of us. I am not the person I used to be. I know you miss me on the nights I go to meetings, but just know that this is Mommy’s medicine. I am so grateful for everything sobriety has returned to me. Most importantly, I’m grateful for the restoration of our relationship. God has revived me and I finally get to be the mother you always deserved.

My sobriety does not mimic anything like perfection. I am going to make mistakes, but I promise to always remind you how much I love you. I will never forget where I came from, where we came from. I will diligently chase after my recovery and evolution every day. You and your sister deserve the best version of me, and I will never stop seeking that. I love you buddy, to the moon and moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

Patricia Moceo

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