And Then There Was You

Sam Caporn - 19 Mar 15

Without question, being a Mum is tough. Even though I have a fairly straightforward, relatively well behaved child, my default setting (which shows itself around my eyes unfortunately) appears to be tired. Indeed, our whole family seems to have been born early-risers.

But despite the crack-of-dawn wake ups, not being a Mum was far tougher. Whilst I may be physically in need of a boost at times, nothing comes close to the deep, deep sadness that used to well up inside of me with every negative pregnancy test. When a year had gone by, with no sign of a positive result, I genuinely started to worry that motherhood might be something that would never, ever happen to me.

Three months before I eventually became pregnant with my son, which was around four years after I had come off the Pill, I remember being at a work Christmas party when the man next to me, who I didn’t know especially well, asked me if I was ambitious. I always thought I was; having worked hard at school and got a succession of interesting jobs, but in that moment I knew that nothing else mattered to me anymore apart from becoming a mother. And that is what I said; ‘No. I just want to become a Mum’.

This was from a woman who initially, when we started trying for a baby, felt a slight twinge of relief at not falling pregnant straight away. Being child free meant travel to inspiring places and a life full of choices, opportunity, lie-ins and fun.  I had never been particularly maternal anyway. It was my husband who was pushing for children and although I had never really questioned the fact that we would one day start a family, I have never been the world’s biggest fan of babies.

But, there I was, a few years later, heartbroken, sad and frankly desperate. So, after the Christmas holidays I resigned, leaving behind a job that involved far too much long haul travel and time away from home. I wanted to finish up some studying that had been stressing me out, to enjoy our new grey kitten and attempt to get pregnant. Amazingly, within two months, I was.

Tired and bloated, my sister-in-law suggested I take a pregnancy test after staying at ours for the night and even though that confirmed I was pregnant, sharp pains on my right hand side had me concerned it might be ectopic. Euphoria kicked in after the 12 week scan, which reassured me that all was as it should be and also told me that the baby I was carrying was a longed for boy (I was worried I would rub a daughter up the wrong way and felt a boy would  be less judgemental of my mothering).

I hoped that he was a fighter and would stay healthy and strong through the pregnancy. That turned out to be the case. On my Mother’s birthday after a straightforward pregnancy we met our son for the first time. I will remember that moment forever – this beautiful boy appearing. As he was passed to me, his little mouth opened in an upside down mew. I felt so overwhelmed with the joy to meet him, touch him and comfort him for the first time. After all the pain, worry and fear, this was it. Here he was. And he was worth all of it. Every stretch mark, every tear, all the wait and worry, my perfect boy who has turned my husband and I into a family.

He can drive me demented: What child can’t? But the love I feel for him, as every parent does, is raw, animalistic and pure. I would kill for him, I would die for him. I still stare at him in awe. I’m grateful for every day, month and year I had to wait for him as had I got pregnant immediately, it wouldn’t be him.

A nutty part of me feels that the delay was just that: the child I was meant to have getting ready to be born. My body was simply waiting for him. And now the wait is over and we are living our life, our little family of three. That’s the way it will stay and perhaps the way it was always meant to be.

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Sam Caporn

Sam Caporn is a mother of one and a Master of Wine. When she is not tasting, spitting and judging wine then she can be found working on her site The MOO Exchange - www.themooexchange.com, an online forum and community for Mums of One.

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