Another Day

Sian Syvret - 23 Mar 16

It takes a lot to write these blogs. Not so much physically, but emotionally. Trying to be as honest and down to the shitty truth as i can possibly make it, is very draining. I did think by starting these blogs all my problems/issues that i go through at certain times i could write down and vent to the laptop about, after all, the amount of melt downs i have, it’s got to be entertaining for someone. Just not me in the moment it’s happening.

I find myself having those moments where not only do you question being a Mum, but you question how on earth your mum, or other mums just get on with it? and yet, you can’t. What i have realised is not all mums you see that have got it together, actually have got it together. How do i know this? Because for the best part of a year, a few of my friends i have made at my kids School, had no idea i suffer with depression… Until i posted a very honest blog for all to read (yes i was shitting myself for the next couple of days after posting it) What I’m trying to get across is, all the smiles, calm parenting, gritted teeth telling off at 8:50am in the morning of a School run, was all a cover up, so that people thought the same as i think of other people at a first glance. “They’ve got it all together”.

Yes i have my psychotic days. I have my days where any little thing my kids do, is enough to make me go, “fuck it”. I have days where i will stay in my PJs all day, and do nothing but hide in the house feeling and looking ugly with no outsider, but then if that’s what makes me feel better for another day, then why not? Why judge the Mum who stays in her PJs once a week and does nothing with her kids but enjoy Disney films, and eating crap?? That Mum is me once a week, i NEED that day to slouch, and keep myself to myself. Who doesn’t need those sort of days?

Since becoming open about my depression i feel more “me”. Like i can be more me. Almost like i really know who i am now, and it took that bit to open up, to figure this out. I still struggle from day to day, with kids, lack of energy, thoughts. BUT… Like everyday, i have to get on with it, otherwise rather than going forward, I’m dragging myself backwards. My partner still hasn’t got his head round the whole depression thing, but he tries to understand, it’s alot to take in. A lot of little feelings that make big feelings hard to understand, but it’s OK, cause he’s still around, no matter how much of a psycho i can be. My kids still say the words, “Love you Mum” randomly, so somewhere in between melting down, and practising psychopathic mum, I’m doing something right.

My OCD has kicked right in lately.. I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m more of a clean freak than normal, but i am. Had this outlook on it, like i can’t control my kids behaviour or my down days (I’m working on that) but i can control how clean/dirty my house is, so maybe that’s why that’s kicked in lately. I’m no psychologist though, that’s just a guess. My partner finds this very irritating.. My OCD. I NEED things done a CERTAIN way, things have to be cleaned a certain way. There’s no point in him cleaning for me (it won’t be good enough anyway) but yet i will whine at him for not cleaning up after himself… He just can’t win. Lol. I keep telling him it will get better, i won’t always be like this…

Sian Syvret

Typical stay at home mum of 2 kiddies. Enjoy lazy days in pjs with kids and partner. Very bubbly, and can be loud!

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