Anticipating My Stillborn Baby’s 1st Birthday

ellie - 31 Aug 18

I was so looking forward to meeting you, Emily. The crisp, freshness of early Autumn brings this anticipation back to me. I lovingly folded your tiny clothes, whilst imagining the smell of your newborn head. I felt the intense love I would have for you when they would place you in my arms; I felt full of the most precious thing- your life. I was utterly saturated with my love for you.

After you died, they bought you to see me. A perfect baby – 7lb 11oz. I felt as though the veil between the living and the dead was thin that day; perhaps I was magic, and if I tried hard enough I could make you open your eyes. I got carried away and felt the swell of pride in my heart; I leaned in to kiss you. I didn’t expect your cheek to be hard and icy, like a stone.

A well-meaning person said that perhaps I would have felt worse, if you had lived for a few days.

She was wrong. At least I could have looked into your eyes, and held your squishy warmth. I wish we had more memories. I was left empty-armed. I walked around the house, looking for you. I was puzzled when I pulled back the pram hood, to find you were not there. My breasts cruelly ached and swelled for you. I sat, gasping in air, despite the agony in my chest.

I miss you, little girl. Its nearly a year on now- perhaps you would have been walking. I close my eyes and I see you—always dressed in red and laughing. You look like your dad. I know I will always see you and we will grow together. I take you everywhere.

I love you Emily Perrins xxxxxx

ellie

I am Ellie Perrins. I live in Warwickshire, and I am a proud mum to my one- year-old daughter, Rosie. Both my husband and I would like another child and I suspect we are mad. I work part-time as a nurse on a very busy hospital ward. It's ok, but I find it tough at times. I would love a pet, but I do not have one. (how do people do it? Walking a dog whilst pushing a buggy and dealing with your older children?! You are amazing). I absolutely love practicing yoga. I used to think it was fake exercise solely practiced by the elderly, but my teacher is wonderfully mean and I feel quite bendy and strong at the moment. I like, when I am out and about, to give a wink of solidarity to other mums, especially if their child/ren are tantrumming.

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