Anxiety is a Bitch

Clemmie Telford - 9 Sep 15

I’ve been weighing-up whether to write this. Is there anything funny to be said about anxiety? Probably not. But if I can talk about leaky post-partum tits, then it’s time to talk about the occasions when your brain gets in a bit of a muddle too.

Honesty is the best policy, especially with a bitch like anxiety.

The people that have anxiety are NEVER the people you think would have it.

Anxiety doesn’t make you a scaredy cat.

You’ve thrown yourself down a black-run. Done big-presentations. You’ve GIVEN BIRTH. These are not things that wimps do.

Yet a couple of stops on the tube is suddenly a challenge.

Doesn’t mean you are loony.

Means you are human.

And actually a bit normal. Honestly. I don’t have a stat but ‘shit-loads’ (not very technical) of people have it.

There is NOTHING more annoying than hearing “think how lucky you are you’ve got kids, a house, a good job”.

Kinda the equivalent of saying to someone with a broken leg “you’ve got a head, an arm, a chin.” I am FREAKING grateful, but I’d still like NOT to have anxiety.

If in doubt get stuck in. Who actually drinks Rescue Remedy via the pipet? Go for the lid-off & swig technique.

Anxiety is a bitch. If you fight a bitch you get slapped. Better to play the long game and get her on side.

That buzz you get when lose a few pounds or (miraculously) drop a dress size?! Good mental health deserves a tiny fist pump too.

Run. Run. Run. Not away from your problems. That’d be terrible advice. But exercise. Running is free (apart from trainers and a reinforced sport bra) it keeps you sane.

Aim for 3 times a week. Chances are you’ll manage 2.

Go a bit yank on it. Britishness rocks, but a cup of tea can’t actually solve everything.
We’re not talking group hugs. Just talking will do.

What Leonard Cohen said. Motivational quotes are 2 a penny these days. But these wise words: “there’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” – are pretty great.

A bit of anxiety is OK.

Sometimes it’s excitement: ‘school disco nerves’, before a night out.

Sometimes it’s actual nerves. Don’t take every raised heartbeat as something to freak out about.

Go to the quack. Don’t be embarrassed. GP will probably already dealt with a mental health issue that day. Plus its better than having to stick their fingers up someones bum.

Go easy on yourself.

Being a grown-up is a tough gig. It’s why you spend 21 years (nearer 32) practising before you actually become an adult.

Find the release. Sprogs compromise your ability to blow off steam. But it isn’t a luxury. Amazing what a gossip with the girls can do for the soul.

CBT is a game changer.

Those movie scene where you lie on a mid-century leather coach, looking forlorn yet glam, whilst someone analyses your childhood? Not how it rolls.

The reality is less ‘mad men’. More staff-room chair in an airless room. But it DOES work.

Get some kip. Not easy with kids. Go to bed earlier. Get off your phone. Tag-team in the mornings. Get some kip.

Caffeine is vital. But the whole double-shots as standard is ‘bad-man’. Couple of those can screw you up proper. Embrace the single life.

You WILL get back to being you. You won’t even realise when it happens. But one day you’ll find yourself worrying about the ‘why the hell there are small socks everywhere apart from the sock-draw’. Rather than worrying about worrying.

You won’t be cured. That’s not a thing. But you’ll know that you’ve made anxiety your bitch. And that what hasn’t sent you potty has made you stronger.

Clemmie Telford

Whatcha. I am a Mamma of two little boys, living in South East London. It feel as if I am constantly winging it as I parent. But maybe I'll still feel like that when I am 72? I write in lists because, well, I'm not quite capable of stringing together or writing a sentence any more. They are a collection of observations of this mental journey we are all on. It's a 'roller-coaster ride' you can't get off, so we may as well laugh (and drink Gin).

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