Fancy making a baby tonight?

Anniki Sommerville - 22 Jul 16

Everywhere you look people are having it off. Game of Thrones– pure filth! The Affair– ditto. What about Versailles on BBC 2? C’est pornographie! In fact sex is everywhere. And in the movies when it comes time to ‘make a baby’ the experience is usually depicted as a meaningful and sensual experience- the couple lock eyes. The saxophone kicks in.  They’re connected. They’re in ecstasy. It’s beautiful. It’s organic and natural and romantic.

In your experience- is that how sex really is? And what about when you’re trying for a baby? Is it all of those things too?

The problem is that we’re programmed to think that sex should be spontaneous (which is silly as even when you first met you probably spent ages planning/waxing/selecting lovely pants etc). We’re also told that both partners need to be in the mood. And that this mood should probably be spontaneous too. The reality is that if you have a child and you’re in a long term relationship, sex doesn’t ever often work like that. And if we’re talking about baby-making sex well…it can’t be spontaneous.  It has to happen at a certain time and it has to be that particular time or you’ve missed that particular lust boat and need to wait for another month.

‘We basically just have sex on those three days and then that’s it till the following month,’ my friend told me recently (she’s also trying for a baby).

‘YOU HAD SEX THREE TIMES!’ I cried, ‘HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?’

Another friend told me that she had sex with her husband EVERY OTHER DAY for a year in order to have her first child. And they now have four children! (I secretly think this couple should be in Game of Thrones as they’re obviously FILTHY and I’m not jealous of them at all).

In my time, I’ve read books thicker than a Jamie Oliver cookbook that told me how to chart my temperature and identify the ideal time to copulate (that word is awful isn’t it?). I ended up with a complex graph which made me feel very smug. What it DIDN’T tell me was how to have sex  when you’re a) both tired b) would rather watch filth like Game of Thrones c) would even rather organise your sock drawer thanks. I’ve also tried a special digital ovulation machine which can identify the perfect 6 DAYS that you need to have sex. WHAT WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX FOR 6 DAYS?

The problem is being a parent isn’t sexy. In fact the only sexy parent I know of is David Beckham. Oh and Kate Moss. But I suspect they’d both be sexy even if they weren’t parents…so they don’t count. Does having snot blown on your collar make you feel sexy? What about looking down and seeing the large deflated balloon that used to be your stomach? And with just five hours sleep?

Feeling sexy now?

Modern life is amazing. We can send a man up into space and he can live happily eating dehydrated Heston Blumenthal snail porridge. We can call each other on FaceTime and the quality is actually pretty good (as long as you make sure your phone isn’t positioned under your neck and you end up with three chins). I also read this morning that a man had had a successful ‘double-hand’ transplant. Isn’t that amazing?

But still the ideal way to have a baby is to have sex.

So if your partner rolls his eyes at you in dismay when you tell him ‘I’m ovulating dear’. If he shows as much enthusiasm as a pig getting an invite to a hog roast, well there’s only one solution…  lower those expectations. The sex we see on TV is fabulous and incredible and mind-blowing and the people are attractive with not an ounce of wobble but that isn’t real sex. Real sex is often awkward and a bit crap and underwhelming. Sometimes it’s incredible and amazing and makes you feel like Betty Draper (when she was top of her game and still with Don rather than later on with the weight gain and depression).

And what if we accept that baby-making sex is a drag? What if we accept that sometimes it might be the last thing you feel like doing but you’ll do it anyway? Isn’t that romantic?

And finally if you’re trying for a baby or were trying for a baby but have given up, I salute you. I know it’s difficult. I know sometimes you’d rather be pairing up those socks.

I hope you get lucky in more ways than one.

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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