Are you Actually Married To A Giant Overgrown Man-Child?

Kate Evans - 12 Apr 18

Hey there busy Mum!

Do you wonder how the house can be awash with strewn laundry and postal detritus mere minutes after you’ve finished clearing up, even though your children are napping / on a playdate / entirely engrossed in playing Roblox?

Have you ever pondered how the empty juice carton finds it’s way back into the fridge despite the fact that none of your kids can reach yet?

Have you ever bribed your kids with leftover Halloween or Christmas chocolate, just to discover that it has mysteriously disappeared form the top shelf of the cupboard?

Does it sometimes feel like you are in fact looking after one more child than you thought you’d birthed?

…. If you’ve answered YES to any of these questions, it’s just possible that your other half may in fact be a giant overgrown man-child.

Take this quiz to find out more….

1.) You and your OH are turning in for the night. As he takes off his socks, your partner:

a) Chucks them into the laundry basket on the way back from the bathroom without so much as a second thought.

b) Puts them in a scrunched up pile with the rest of this clothes, because ‘they’ve got another day left in them’ and he can re-wear them like he will his jeans tomorrow.

c) Forgets to take them off until he’s on the bed, at which point he flings them with carefree abandon into opposite corners of the room, before wrapping himself up three quarters of the duvet, farting, and snoring gently into his pillow within seconds.

d) Pops them into the laundry basket, but notices that the basket is pretty full, so he picks it up and takes it downstairs to pop a wash on overnight, knowing it will save you time in the morning.

2.) You have prepared a delicious meal for all the family. Once he has finished this lovingly prepared meal, does you partner:

a.) Automatically pick up his plate, scrape his leftovers into the bin, and load it into the dishwasher?

b.) Pick up his plate, but inexplicably just put it down next to the sink, where it will sit until you clear it along with the rest of the table?

c.) Mumble something about the football having already started and wander off into the lounge whilst you’re distracted by trying to unstrap your wriggling toddler from her newly pasta-encrusted highchair whilst your 5 year old demands more yoghurt?

d.) Suggest that you sit down, seeing as you’ve been on your feet cooking and dealing with the kids non-stop for the past few hours, whilst he clears the table, loads the dishwasher, and wipes down the kitchen worktops?

3.) The post has arrived, and with it, an Amazon package that your partner has been expecting for several days. Does he:

a.) Take it to the kitchen table, grabbing a pair of scissors to remove the packaging, which he then chucks into the bin before trying out his new toy gadget with a rapturous look in his eyes.

b.) Wander around the entire ground floor of the house, ripping off layers and scraps of packaging and leaving them strewn across various surfaces before eventually uncovering his online purchase, which he then leaves on a shelf in the hallway before wandering off to find some spare batteries / a screwdriver / take an impromptu 20 minute poop.

c.) Unwrap said package in the manner of b, but once opened he discovers that he actually ordered the wrong thing. He says he needs to return it, which actually means that he will expect you to do it for him after forgetting all about it for three weeks and then sending you a text from work weeks later telling you it has to be sent back today to make the returns deadline.

d.) Hands it to you… After all, it wasn’t for him anyway, it was a thoughtful surprise gift he bought for you on the spur of the moment. You love it! (obvs)

4.) It’s early evening, and your teething baby has just been changed and is in the living room with your partner. You are in the kitchen making up his night-time bottle. Whilst you are away, there is a MAJOR poonami incident. What happens next?

a.) You come back from the kitchen and the aroma hits you first. Then you notice your other half scouting around for the changing stuff. You pass it to him and he deals with it with only a bit of a grumble. You help out by nipping off to grab bubba a new babygrow. Job done.

b.) You come back from the kitchen and the aroma hits you first. Then you notice your other half has put on his headphones and is (suspiciously) unwavering in his concentration, watching a youtube video on how to build your own shed. You point out the smell, and the seeping brown marks appearing on the back of your baby’s babygrow, at which point he feigns ignorance before halfheartedly offering to change him (usually once he sees that you have already started  to do it yourself).

c.) You pass your OH on your way back into the living room, scuttling off on his way upstairs ‘to look for that thing he lost the other week’, leaving the pungent surprise for you to deal with.

d.) You pass your OH on your way back into the living room, holding the dirty nappy in one hand and poopy babygrow in the other. He’s just off to the kitchen to dispose of the nappy and handwash the babygrow before the stain sets in.

5.) Your kids come down with a horrible bug:- Snot, Sore throat and head, aches and shivers, the lot. The next afternoon you start getting the same symptoms and feel like death warmed up. When your husband comes through the door after work, he:

a.) Sees that everyone is poorly, suggests ordering in pizza for dinner and offers to put the kids to bed early.

b.) Upon hearing that you have succumbed to the kids lurgy, he rubs his throat a bit and tells you he thinks he might be coming down with it too. (Standby for updates at 15 minute intervals on the progress of his deterioration. Concluding that his symptoms are, of course, inherently more severe.)

c.) Surveys the snotty horror within the family home, turns heel and pops of to the pub for ‘a quick pint’.

d.) Takes one look at your pale, clammy face and tells you to go and lie down whilst he knocks up some soup for everyone and fetches a cold flannel for your brow.

Results Time – How Did He Do?

Mostly A’s

Phew. Turns out your mating choices aren’t exactly misguided after all. You appear to have coupled-up with an actual fully fledged adult. He may not be perfect, but he’ll do. And you probably quite like him most of the time really, so it’s all good.

Mostly B’s

Hmmm. Are you sure you haven’t just accidentally married a student?

Mostly C’s

Oh dear. You’ve partnered up with a real life overgrown man-baby. Don’t feel embarrassed, sometimes you don’t see the signs until it’s too late. Probs best to have a large glass of wine now and look for the silver lining – at least he’s potty trained.

Probably.

Mostly D’s

Who is this wonderous unicorn-like being? No doubt he also gives impromptu foot rubs, cooks delicious low-carb meals, has a six pack, and his farts smell of Aramis. I’m not sure if you are delusional or you’ve won the husband lottery. Either way I’m a bit jealous, tbh…

A Mixture of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s

Realistically I think most of us have other halves who are a bit of all of the above, don’t we? (although some of us are blessed with a few more D scores and a few less C’s). And it’s not so bad really. I mean, sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised…

…I still wish he’d just put his sodding socks in the laundry though.

~~~

Did this post tickle you? Then have a gander at some of my other blog posts too. (Especially this one, because if you’re sick to death of doing all the Mum stuff around the house for f*ck all thanks it might just cheer you up a bit.)

You’ll also (probably) love The Mum Conundrum facebook group. I post a load of funny / interesting / useful stuff by me or from other far-flung corners of the Internet each day. You can also show me love on The Mum Conundrum Facebook Page if you fancy… a like and a follow always goes down a treat, you know.

I’m also on twitter (a lot) and Instagram (a bit) too… Ooh and I’m newly loving the whole Pinterest thing, so do pop along and give me a follow there, I’ve got all sorts of intriguing pins for you to take a peek at.

You can also email me if you’ve got an idea for something you’d like me to write about or review, or if you’d like to work with me. Feel free to hit me up here.

Happy reading Motherlovers!

Kate xx

Kate Evans

View profile for posts, events and more info