Asking For Help

Madeleine Thompson - 12 Sep 17

Quite early on in being a parent, I came to the unpleasant discovery that any time you think things are going really well, Mother Universe has the potential to throw all the cards in the air and let them fall in different places.  I suppose this is not limited to parenthood at all, it can happen with anything in life for anyone at any time.  My husband and I used to have it with things like sleeping and eating, where we would get to a point with one or both children where we would think we’d cracked it, and then everything would change quickly.  Without warning.  As is the nature of helping children to grow.

With sleeping, we learnt that neither one of us should utter the phrase ‘he/she is sleeping well now’, because any time that we did, the rules would change that very night.  A bit like not wishing theatrical performers ‘good luck’.  We just never said it (apart from the first few times anyway).

And then something quite astonishing happened.  Our oldest child, now five, fell into a pattern that seemed to last for about two years, where, at the point of ‘time for sleep’, she would climb into her bed, inform us she was going straight to sleep, and then go straight to sleep.   It went on so long that eventually we broke our rule and we started to tell people about it.  We had a child who would go to sleep!  We had a child who understood the correlation between tiredness and sleeping!  When our youngest, who is three, was enjoying ‘coming out of his room’ antics at bedtime, we were well resourced to deal with it because our daughter was already fast asleep.

This summer, Mother Universe visited us and told us in no uncertain terms that we should never get complacent and, since July, our eldest has refused to sleep in her own room and will only sleep in our bed.  And there we have a new, albeit it unplanned, arrangement, whereby one us of (usually my husband) sleeps in our daughter’s room and she sleeps in ours. 

 This is not a blog post about sleeping.  I know this arrangement is terrible, unsustainable and we both know there are some sticky times ahead to get it to change.  So far, we have tried techniques recommended to us and that we’ve found online – dreamcatchers, changing her room around, favourite teddies, special books, special sleep ointments, my husband even made the entire solar system with her and hung it from the ceiling.  None of these work, because at the point of ‘time for sleep’, the mental barrier goes up.  So, needless to say we are seeking help and changing our approach. 

What it made me realise is that, however comfortable we get with a situation, it always has the potential to change, rapidly.  And parenting seems to be full to the brim with situations like these.  There are so many moments where we literally have no clue, and we are supposed to be the grown-ups.  The books only help to a point and when you’ve mentally ticked off all of the guides in your head, you’re left with a furrowed brow and a massive question mark over what to do next. 

Whether it is about sleeping, eating, communication, playing, never underestimate the power of others and the helpfulness of those outside of the family who can help you.  I didn’t take my daughter to our GP or seek medical help in the first instance, I sought help from her school and it was the amazing learning mentor who has made me start to look at things in a different way and actually empower me to find some confidence that the barrier is there to be dismantled and we can do that dismantling.  There may be some upset, there is bound to be as our daughter is in a comfortable routine now where she sleeps in a comfy, big bed with her mum every night.  But we have to go through the uncomfortable bit to get to a new routine, where she comes to love her room again.   Having that bit of help, that listening ear, is invaluable.  If you are going through anything where you cannot find a way out or a way through, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  In the words of Fred Rogers, ‘Look for the helpers’.  I know this helps people to bring comfort to children in times of tragedy but actually it is not bad word of advice to consider in our everyday lives too. 

Madeleine Thompson

I am mum to my little chicks, Aisha, 6 and Abel, 4. Originally from Yorkshire, UK, I now live in a little town in the North West. By day, I work for myself as a freelance PA. By night, I indulge my passion for writing.

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