Attached

Orla - 14 Aug 16

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that Karl and I parent. It’s not exactly the accepted norm in our society, but it’s something we’ve just fallen into naturally. Eli sleeps in our bed, and I’m still breastfeeding him at nearly 18 months old. When I tell people this, they are quick to offer solutions to our ‘problems’. Instinctually though, I have been reluctant to ‘fix’ them, because I’m not entirely convinced that they’re problems at all. In fact, the more I read about this thing called attachment parenting, the more I feel confident in and happy with my decisions.

I remember when Eli was a couple of months old and I took him to the big John Lewis. It was the first time I had used a breastfeeding room and I found myself sharing it with another mother. Another mother and what must have been her 1 year old son. I remember being sat there feeding a tiny Eli with this little boy popping off his mother’s breast to turn around and stare at me. I found it very off-putting. And more than that, I found it very strange that the mother was feeding her son at this age. And yet, here I am, sat next to my napping nearly 18 month old whom I have breastfed to sleep (a cardinal sin, I know!).

I had always planned to breastfeed, but I also planned to be pragmatic about it. If it wasn’t working well for either or both of us, I would not feel guilty about switching to formula. I had heard how difficult and painful breastfeeding could be, so I was under no illusion that it would be easy. But I wanted to try. My aim was to breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months (as health professionals recommend) and then continue breastfeeding alongside weaning onto solids until Eli was 1. And yet, Eli’s first birthday came and went and we continued on.

I wondered if I was just being lazy. If I couldn’t be bothered to follow through with the whole weaning thing. But something inside me just didn’t feel comfortable with or happy about refusing Eli something that he needed and wanted. Other mothers I knew had stopped at different points; many because they had to go back to work. Since I didn’t have to go back to work, I had no real reason to stop. Stopping would make my life easier in a multitude of ways (wearing whatever I wanted rather than breastfeeding friendly clothes, going out in the evenings, being able to leave Eli with others for prolonged periods), but this didn’t seem a good enough reason either.

Did I mention I actually really enjoy breastfeeding? I should probably mention that. Otherwise it seems as though it’s all pain, no gain – lots of (unnecessary?) self-sacrifice. In fact, I love it! That’s not to say it’s always been easy – sometimes it’s extremely draining, sometimes I just want some space, and sometimes it has been very painful (I’ve had mastitis a bunch of times). But all in all it has been totally worth it. For the bond it forges, for the comfort it gives, for the little strokes I receive from little hands, for the sweet little ‘ilk?’ requests I get in the middle of the night. I love it.

And did you know that the World Health Organisation does in fact advise breastfeeding until the age of 2? At least! Medically there are so many benefits, for both mother and child. Better immunity, decreased risk of breast cancer… I’m never going to say no to giving my child better immunity considering all of the problems I’ve had with my own immunity!

Then of course there’s the cosleeping. I had actively planned not to cosleep. I had heard that it was dangerous and I didn’t want to put my baby in danger. But then Eli came along and he wouldn’t tolerate being put down. Ever. So in the first few weeks Karl and I took shifts holding Eli so that we could all get some (minimal) sleep. Then in week 5 Karl fell ill and I had to go it alone. For pure survival, I slept in the same bed as Eli. And we have never looked back.

Again, this is something I have fallen in love with. On the rare occasions that Eli sleeps a bit longer in his cot (sometimes we put him in his cot for the first part of the evening, but he usually wakes up every 45 mins to an hour in there), I miss him.

Of course, cosleeping does have its difficulties. I still struggle to understand how such a small person can take up such a large amount the bed. More often than not I find myself with bare inches as Eli is splayed out. And then there’s the matter of Karl being displaced. Most of the time  on a mattress on the floor next to us, sometimes in the spare room. On the odd occasion that we find ourselves in a Super King (mostly on holiday), Karl will sleep in the bed with us. I’m actually in the process of trying to convince him to buy us a bigger bed (cough, cough, Karl!), particularly as we are hoping to have another child soonish.

I should also probably mention that my Fibromyalgia has had a big role in the decision to cosleep. My body simply can’t handle the constant picking up that Eli requires when in his cot and the consequent lack of sleep. With Eli in bed with me, all I have to do if he wakes is roll over and offer him a boob and I can go straight back to sleep. Eli also sleeps significantly better when with me (he has slept through all of one time in a bed other than mine).

My Fibro has also meant that I can’t easily baby carry, which seems to be the third leg in the tripod of attachment parenting. We baby carried a lot in the beginning as with Eli’s horrid reflux it was one of the only ways we could settle him. But then he seemed to hate the carrier in the summer (I think he just got overheated) and once the summer had passed he was too heavy for me to carry around. So we’ve not followed every element of attachment parenting; just the bits that have worked for us.

And on that note, I should probably stress that I do not judge others’ ways of parenting. I understand that there are so many different factors that go in to making the decisions that we make as parents and you have to do what works for you and your child. In the same vain, I would ask that you do not judge me when I pop out a boob to feed my toddler, or when I go home early because I need to (want to) put my son to bed. Instead I ask you to be open minded and consider that maybe these things that people often consider to be problems are not problems at all, just a different way of parenting.

Orla

Stay-at-home mother to a small boy, wife to a funny man, cooking up baby #2.

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