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The Truth About Depression

1
Not many people know this about me, and it’s not something that I’ve advertised or told many people. I guess part of the reason for this was cause I was ashamed (am ashamed) but the more I read about it, the more I realise it isn’t just me going through it, and it’s not something I should be ashamed of. It happens to a lot of people.

I suffer from depression…

Like everybody else I have good and bad days. I have my triggers, and I have days where I forget that every morning I pop a pill for a ”happy Sian”.

I don’t know exactly what

SelfishMother.com
2
triggered it off, or when it began. I have had 2 children, I think I may of suffered with post natal depression after both my beauties, but it wasn’t obvious to me. I was too busy trying to be a good mum to have time to sit and think about that, and why would I want to admit I wasn’t coping with being a Mum. It was suppose to be a magical moment, and it was. But then… When my son turned 1, my daughter was 3, and I felt myself get worse. More days were bad, my mood was horrible, mood swings were unexpectedly happening, I would cry for no reason at
SelfishMother.com
3
all. I felt bad and so low. Everyone around me suffered the wrath of my moods too, even my kiddies got the brunt of it 😞

At first I was adamant it wasn’t depression. I was just tired, the kids were testing new boundaries, it was all normal. It was just too much to deal with. But this was what being a Mum should be like, shouldn’t it?

I noticed things about me changing, things I didn’t like. My patience with the kids got shorter, I would shout at them when a firm telling off would of done, any little thing they done wrong would make me

SelfishMother.com
4
so angry, I’d scream at them, knowing it wasn’t their fault. But I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t interact with them, I just didn’t want too. I wanted to sit on my own and sleep. I had headache after headache. I didn’t want to look after 2 kids, I didn’t want to do housework, I didn’t want to cook the meals, I didn’t want to do anything. My energy for being a mum had disappeared. Suddenly I felt so very drained, physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything was a struggle.

Going out with the kids on my own was a nightmare. Sometimes

SelfishMother.com
5
getting dressed was an effort I wasn’t prepared to make. As soon as kids bedtime came, I sat on the sofa in a world of my own, in a daze. Till I found the energy to take myself to bed. Some nights I’d cry myself to sleep, knowing my kids deserved better than me and the way I was.

Another side to it.. I found myself getting very particulate about things, as a distraction. Everything HAS to be in its right place. If I want something done, it has to get done, the same day. I like things a certain way before I go bed, when I wake up I do the same things

SelfishMother.com
6
every morning, cause that’s how it has to be. I can’t have it done another way, cause I’m messing with my routines I have in place to help me. So maybe you could say I have OCD too. These feelings and my order of doing things got more strict as the depression went on.

After a close relative mentioned the ”D” word to me, and suggested I talk to someone, I got told to make a Drs appointment. A week or so later I did. I remember the appointment very well, it was the first time in a long time I had broke down and been completely honest about my

SelfishMother.com
7
feelings and how I felt being mummy, partner and Sian. That took it out of me. I had said all the things I had kept in my head out loud to someone else. I couldn’t take it back, and I couldn’t go back and make it sound better. It had all been said…

I felt like such an awful Mum. I had admitted to someone outside of my circle that I hadn’t been coping. Would they think I’m a bad mum? A bad person? Would they question my ability to look after my kids? All the thoughts that I was having had been written down and saved to a file. Would these

SelfishMother.com
8
thoughts stay with me till I’m cured? How long will it take till I feel better? The Dr couldn’t answer any of these questions. He gave me a prescription for tablets and a help leaflet, told me to come back within 4 weeks, and off I went. Back to putting on the fake face.

I started the tablets the next day. I didn’t feel any different.

Two years later and I still feel the same. I have better days and then bad days, but I definitely still have bad days. Days where I can’t be bothered to do anything or see anyone. Days where when the front door

SelfishMother.com
9
is closed, it stays closed till I want to open it and venture out. Days where I put on the smile and get on with things, just so no-one has an insight to how I really feel or if I’m really coping. I still feel like a failing mum at times, like I should just snap out of this for the kids. I have tried. I even went a week without taking tablets, on my own accord, thinking that I must be better by now. I can cope without the tablets. Truth is, i didn’t cope at all. That week just set me back.

I don’t know if I’m coping now, or if I ever will without

SelfishMother.com
10
the assistance of the ’happy pills’  but what I do know is it has took me 2 years to properly accept it. This is still a big issue, and a big part of me. I’m still finding ways to deal with every day, so it becomes less of a problem. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about depression, but so many of us do. That’s why it festers. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t make me any less of a good mum, or a good person. It just means I have to be a bit stronger to deal with my bad days and notice the triggers early to calm myself down, so the
SelfishMother.com
11
bad days don’t turn into bad weeks. The only thing making me want to change the way I feel is my children. They deserve me at my best, without needing tablets.

Until then, I’m just taking it one day at a time.

SelfishMother.com

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- 1 Mar 16

Not many people know this about me, and it’s not something that I’ve advertised or told many people. I guess part of the reason for this was cause I was ashamed (am ashamed) but the more I read about it, the more I realise it isn’t just me going through it, and it’s not something I should be ashamed of. It happens to a lot of people.

I suffer from depression…

Like everybody else I have good and bad days. I have my triggers, and I have days where I forget that every morning I pop a pill for a “happy Sian”.

I don’t know exactly what triggered it off, or when it began. I have had 2 children, I think I may of suffered with post natal depression after both my beauties, but it wasn’t obvious to me. I was too busy trying to be a good mum to have time to sit and think about that, and why would I want to admit I wasn’t coping with being a Mum. It was suppose to be a magical moment, and it was. But then… When my son turned 1, my daughter was 3, and I felt myself get worse. More days were bad, my mood was horrible, mood swings were unexpectedly happening, I would cry for no reason at all. I felt bad and so low. Everyone around me suffered the wrath of my moods too, even my kiddies got the brunt of it 😞

At first I was adamant it wasn’t depression. I was just tired, the kids were testing new boundaries, it was all normal. It was just too much to deal with. But this was what being a Mum should be like, shouldn’t it?

I noticed things about me changing, things I didn’t like. My patience with the kids got shorter, I would shout at them when a firm telling off would of done, any little thing they done wrong would make me so angry, I’d scream at them, knowing it wasn’t their fault. But I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t interact with them, I just didn’t want too. I wanted to sit on my own and sleep. I had headache after headache. I didn’t want to look after 2 kids, I didn’t want to do housework, I didn’t want to cook the meals, I didn’t want to do anything. My energy for being a mum had disappeared. Suddenly I felt so very drained, physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything was a struggle.

Going out with the kids on my own was a nightmare. Sometimes getting dressed was an effort I wasn’t prepared to make. As soon as kids bedtime came, I sat on the sofa in a world of my own, in a daze. Till I found the energy to take myself to bed. Some nights I’d cry myself to sleep, knowing my kids deserved better than me and the way I was.

Another side to it.. I found myself getting very particulate about things, as a distraction. Everything HAS to be in its right place. If I want something done, it has to get done, the same day. I like things a certain way before I go bed, when I wake up I do the same things every morning, cause that’s how it has to be. I can’t have it done another way, cause I’m messing with my routines I have in place to help me. So maybe you could say I have OCD too. These feelings and my order of doing things got more strict as the depression went on.

After a close relative mentioned the “D” word to me, and suggested I talk to someone, I got told to make a Drs appointment. A week or so later I did. I remember the appointment very well, it was the first time in a long time I had broke down and been completely honest about my feelings and how I felt being mummy, partner and Sian. That took it out of me. I had said all the things I had kept in my head out loud to someone else. I couldn’t take it back, and I couldn’t go back and make it sound better. It had all been said…

I felt like such an awful Mum. I had admitted to someone outside of my circle that I hadn’t been coping. Would they think I’m a bad mum? A bad person? Would they question my ability to look after my kids? All the thoughts that I was having had been written down and saved to a file. Would these thoughts stay with me till I’m cured? How long will it take till I feel better? The Dr couldn’t answer any of these questions. He gave me a prescription for tablets and a help leaflet, told me to come back within 4 weeks, and off I went. Back to putting on the fake face.

I started the tablets the next day. I didn’t feel any different.

Two years later and I still feel the same. I have better days and then bad days, but I definitely still have bad days. Days where I can’t be bothered to do anything or see anyone. Days where when the front door is closed, it stays closed till I want to open it and venture out. Days where I put on the smile and get on with things, just so no-one has an insight to how I really feel or if I’m really coping. I still feel like a failing mum at times, like I should just snap out of this for the kids. I have tried. I even went a week without taking tablets, on my own accord, thinking that I must be better by now. I can cope without the tablets. Truth is, i didn’t cope at all. That week just set me back.

I don’t know if I’m coping now, or if I ever will without the assistance of the ‘happy pills’  but what I do know is it has took me 2 years to properly accept it. This is still a big issue, and a big part of me. I’m still finding ways to deal with every day, so it becomes less of a problem. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about depression, but so many of us do. That’s why it festers. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t make me any less of a good mum, or a good person. It just means I have to be a bit stronger to deal with my bad days and notice the triggers early to calm myself down, so the bad days don’t turn into bad weeks. The only thing making me want to change the way I feel is my children. They deserve me at my best, without needing tablets.

Until then, I’m just taking it one day at a time.

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Typical stay at home mum of 2 kiddies. Enjoy lazy days in pjs with kids and partner. Very bubbly, and can be loud!

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