Becoming a mummy the hard way – donor egg

Kiki Green - 19 May 16

I remember well when the rug was pulled from under me.

I was 31 when the specialist told me after months of blood tests that I had premature ovarian failure.

I’d only found out because I’d come off the pill at 29 – been trying for a family to no avail and had had no periods since coming off the contraceptive I’d been on since I was a teenager – when children were something I considered a certainty in my distant future.

When he told me my only hope was egg donation I was at my lowest.

I felt sick to the core and was lost in a spiral of different emotions. Grief, loss, anger, frustration. My body had let me down. How could I be infertile by 30?! I was bereft and mourned the fact that like everyone else – my friends and peers – I was unable to pass on my genes.

But I’d always known that I wanted a family of my own. Even that day when my world fell apart the determination to love a family and carry my husbands child – so he would not know loss like mine – was the loudest voice among the noise.

Within six months, I approached an IVF clinic and met with the donor team. I was assured they’d find me a match based on height, hair and eye colour and blood type. I had counselling – lots of it and after a few months a suitable match was found. Sadly after a couple of goes at donor IVF it proved unsuccessful.

This was hard a real emotional roller-coaster. Finally, tests at the clinic showed I also had some immune issues also affecting my chances of falling pregnant.

In time, a third donor was found and I was put on a raft of immune drugs to assist our chances. I’ll never forget the joy when two lines came up on the pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it. I was pregnant with our baby.

Throughout the nine months I carried her we bonded. I felt her move and hiccup. She depended on my blood to survive and grow.

I also – partway through my pregnancy received a note my donor had left on her notes. She had wanted to donate her eggs because her own family brought her such joy. I cried with happiness at her unbelievable kindness and humanity.

When my daughter arrived – she let out a huge cry – looked at me with her beautiful huge eyes and I fell in love with her. She had my nose and she was the baby I had carried for nine months and was the baby I’d longed for and loved even before she existed.

I sent a thank you letter to my donor and she sent one back.

People say my daughter looks like me. I know that genetically I don’t contribute but if she grows up happy and with just an ounce of my donors compassion – we’ll have done a good job.

We will tell our daughter using a story book when she’s small so it won’t be a secret and then we’ll tell more people if it’s appropriate but not before our little girl knows. Our immediate family are aware.

Donor eggs and infertility is quite a taboo. I needed to use them when I assumed I’d be fertile at 30.

I would never have considered freezing my eggs, because I assumed I’d be fertile. In my case there might not have been any point – I’ll never know when my ovarian failure happened, I could have been a teenager.

In hindsight, if I had frozen my eggs maybe donor eggs wouldn’t have been my only option, but that’s totally immaterial because my daughter is the baby I was meant to have.

I love her unconditionally, totally and utterly and she has brought such joy and happiness.

It was a long road but for anyone struggling or knows anyone who is – there is hope.

Kiki Green

36 - mum of one post premature menopause thanks to a lovely donor! Currently a full time mummy to my daughter - would love a sibling for her, formerly in TV, radio and comms. Future??? Loves chocolate a g&t and to laugh!

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