Before you I knew nothing… **warning baby loss post**
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Before your cold lifeless body lay in my arms, before the heavy burden of death weighed heavily on top of me I knew nothing. Before I carried you for 9 months blissfully unaware of what the day you died and those that proceeded it had in store for me, I knew nothing.
***
Baby loss, or more specifically in my circumstance stillbirth, is slowly becoming more talked about and with the help of social media in to the public domain. With 9 stillbirths in the UK everyday it amazes me that it is still a relatively under the radar topic. Lets face it none of us
SelfishMother.com
2
like the subject of death, but when it is the only life event your baby ever had, its hard to think or talk about anything else.
I know this isn’t the most joyous entrance into ’selfish mother’ for me as a newbie, but I feel it is so important that we talk about this. I have been the mama who lay awake at night trawling the internet, looking for someone else who could share my pain, I mean we can all empathise with someone who has lost their child but I mean really share my pain because they have felt it too. It’s almost as if up until Betty died
SelfishMother.com
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just over two years ago, my whole life to that point had just been a warm up, a breeze really, the lead up perhaps too perfect, taking us to that fateful day on October 16th when in the space of 6 hours something catastrophic happened and her heart stopped beating and she was gone.
You see I can pin point those hours because that afternoon we had a growth scan, she was happily nestled in my tummy and after a fairly simple pregnancy at 40w 3 days it was decided she was going to be a big baby and therefore there was no need to wait any longer and I
SelfishMother.com
4
would be induced that evening. I never started the induction process with a living baby, that evening whilst I was being checked into the ward a routine monitoring found nothing, perhaps the machine is broken they said. It became clear minutes later it wasn’t. She was, I was.
The next morning I started the induction, knowing there would be no reward at the end of my labour, no living baby to hold, to take home. She was gone, for a few seconds I prayed they had got it wrong and that she would start screaming, it never happened. She was gone, and for a
SelfishMother.com
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long time maybe a year or more after this so was I. Living day by day, surviving each minute, each hour, as best I could. Answering tricky questions from her older brother then 4. Looking back having him had been such a dream, so easy, so straight forward. How naive I had been.
You may read this like me in the years before reading about people who had experienced a stillbirth, comfortable in the fact it would never happen to me. Safe in my little bubble, but feeling sad for them. Please don’t think I am trying to scare or upset. That is not my
SelfishMother.com
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intention. I appreciate of all the babies born healthily that day, Betty was in the minority, but it’s not a club I ever asked to be in. We can’t all live in fear that something bad is going to happen, we have to live everyday as best we can. BUT we can take the time to try and understand baby loss, appreciate what we do have and be there for our friends or loved ones if they experience this.
Most importantly and my reason for publishing this is for you; if you are the mama who has had a miscarriage, a stillbirth or your baby has died neonatally
SelfishMother.com
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please know you are NOT alone. If you know no one else, now you know me and a little about Betty. I can’t tell you what will happen, predict the future, but I can promise you it WILL be ok, you are going to be ok. Your pain will never go away, they will always be gone – something that is hard to come to terms with, but over time life will start to feel kinder again, you will start to live once more. There are some incredible women and organisations and a few little people like me here who you can talk to. I write this as I know today alone 9 women have
SelfishMother.com
8
begun their journey without their babies. You will go through so much in the next year of your life, feel emotions you perhaps never knew existed but you will survive, I promise that if nothing else.
Before Betty, I knew nothing about real grief, now I feel like I can take on the world. If her death can help me help one person living this nightmare then it won’t have been in vain.
For my beautiful baby girl, if love could of saved you, you would of lived a lifetime.
Jen x
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Jen Burborough - 10 Jan 18
Before your cold lifeless body lay in my arms, before the heavy burden of death weighed heavily on top of me I knew nothing. Before I carried you for 9 months blissfully unaware of what the day you died and those that proceeded it had in store for me, I knew nothing.
***
Baby loss, or more specifically in my circumstance stillbirth, is slowly becoming more talked about and with the help of social media in to the public domain. With 9 stillbirths in the UK everyday it amazes me that it is still a relatively under the radar topic. Lets face it none of us like the subject of death, but when it is the only life event your baby ever had, its hard to think or talk about anything else.
I know this isn’t the most joyous entrance into ‘selfish mother’ for me as a newbie, but I feel it is so important that we talk about this. I have been the mama who lay awake at night trawling the internet, looking for someone else who could share my pain, I mean we can all empathise with someone who has lost their child but I mean really share my pain because they have felt it too. It’s almost as if up until Betty died just over two years ago, my whole life to that point had just been a warm up, a breeze really, the lead up perhaps too perfect, taking us to that fateful day on October 16th when in the space of 6 hours something catastrophic happened and her heart stopped beating and she was gone.
You see I can pin point those hours because that afternoon we had a growth scan, she was happily nestled in my tummy and after a fairly simple pregnancy at 40w 3 days it was decided she was going to be a big baby and therefore there was no need to wait any longer and I would be induced that evening. I never started the induction process with a living baby, that evening whilst I was being checked into the ward a routine monitoring found nothing, perhaps the machine is broken they said. It became clear minutes later it wasn’t. She was, I was.
The next morning I started the induction, knowing there would be no reward at the end of my labour, no living baby to hold, to take home. She was gone, for a few seconds I prayed they had got it wrong and that she would start screaming, it never happened. She was gone, and for a long time maybe a year or more after this so was I. Living day by day, surviving each minute, each hour, as best I could. Answering tricky questions from her older brother then 4. Looking back having him had been such a dream, so easy, so straight forward. How naive I had been.
You may read this like me in the years before reading about people who had experienced a stillbirth, comfortable in the fact it would never happen to me. Safe in my little bubble, but feeling sad for them. Please don’t think I am trying to scare or upset. That is not my intention. I appreciate of all the babies born healthily that day, Betty was in the minority, but it’s not a club I ever asked to be in. We can’t all live in fear that something bad is going to happen, we have to live everyday as best we can. BUT we can take the time to try and understand baby loss, appreciate what we do have and be there for our friends or loved ones if they experience this.
Most importantly and my reason for publishing this is for you; if you are the mama who has had a miscarriage, a stillbirth or your baby has died neonatally please know you are NOT alone. If you know no one else, now you know me and a little about Betty. I can’t tell you what will happen, predict the future, but I can promise you it WILL be ok, you are going to be ok. Your pain will never go away, they will always be gone – something that is hard to come to terms with, but over time life will start to feel kinder again, you will start to live once more. There are some incredible women and organisations and a few little people like me here who you can talk to. I write this as I know today alone 9 women have begun their journey without their babies. You will go through so much in the next year of your life, feel emotions you perhaps never knew existed but you will survive, I promise that if nothing else.
Before Betty, I knew nothing about real grief, now I feel like I can take on the world. If her death can help me help one person living this nightmare then it won’t have been in vain.
For my beautiful baby girl, if love could of saved you, you would of lived a lifetime.
Jen x
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I am Jen, mummy to two beautiful boys and my baby girl who couldn't stay. I write a blog all about our journey through our loss and parenting through it. I love writing about our life and Betty even tho we never got to bring her home.
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