Being a full time parent is not a job.

Harriet Shearsmith - 7 Mar 16

I wrote about this topic on my blog last month and it was a very… popular and unpopular post. It received a massive response from people who both agreed and disagreed with me, so I wanted to share my thoughts here too and see what the Selfish Mother community thought.

I’m just going to throw this one out there right off the bat: Can we STOP with the whole “full time mummy/daddy” occupation thing? Being a stay at home parent is NOT a job. It’s so much more.

Look, I get it, being a stay at home parent is hard work – the hardest of work and the jobs are never ending, anyone who doubts that hasn’t been in that position or was doing something that they need to share so we can all do it, but still there is little acceptance from a society who seems hell bent on judging you, and there is little respect – if any at all. So along comes the term “full time mummy/daddy” because, thats your job right?

Wrong.

Here’s the thing, there is a growing trend in people putting their occupations as “full time mummy/daddy” and I’m going to tell you why we need to STOP and think about why we’re doing it and how insanely offensive it really is.

Firstly, it implies that by working, I’m not a “full time” mummy, I’m somehow a lesser mummy. A part timer. I’m not a part time mummy. We are all full time mummies. Some of us work. Some of us raise our children without the addition of work. Some of us work FROM home. But none of those things make us any lesser a mother than the other, nor do they make you any more a mother.

This is my very biggest bug bare with the whole “full time mummy” bullshit and a huge factor in why I feel it needs to go. It is one more way of pitting women (and men, though because of societies inability to accept men as the important parent they are, less so) against each other and, specifically, mothers. Being a mother is not your occupation, it’s your choice. It is a lifestyle choice and is one that should be respected to the max, but it is not a job. You don’t hear people who don’t work and are childless going around telling people that they are full time leisure pursuers do you? No.

Secondly, if you are a stay at home mum, your “employment status” is unemployed and it is as simple as that. To imply that you need an additional status gives the impression that there is something inherently wrong with being unemployed and we need to move away from that stigma – do you think that a billionaire playboy would consider something wrong with being effectively unemployed and living off additional means? No, of course not. So why should some of societies hardest working people – people who are taking total U-turns from their previous lives to raise the future generation without needing childcare – be made to feel that they have to justify what they are doing with their time with a job title? We can’t feel this shame about unemployment – not every stay at home parent is on benefits and when we dress up parenting as an occupation it paves the way for that stigma to solidify and take hold. Own the unemployment and dismiss the desire to dress it up and explain to society what you do with your time – there should be no stigma.

One thing I don’t want is for people to think this is in any way a “diss” of SAHPs, it isn’t. I’ve been one myself, and as I said before, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I’ve written about the loneliness of being a SAHM (or really a stay at home parent), and I’m well aware of how much they do. Your roles are to cook, to clean, to maintain, to entertain, to raise, to love, to cuddle and so much more that can’t be put into to words, but these roles are NOT your job. They are your choice and to call them a job, in my opinion, diminishes what you do and what the millions of parents who either can’t stay at home or choose not to stay at home, do. In a job you get breaks, you get payment or remuneration and you get holidays. Being a SAHP is not your job. It’s your lifestyle.

Further to that, calling yourself a “full time mummy/daddy” implies that when you head out to work, you have a break form the taxing role of your raising your child. You don’t. Your child is NEVER out of your mind, your heart or your soul. There isn’t a moment when you’re not subconsciously thinking of them or feeling guilty that you aren’t with them. You are still a “full time mummy” but instead of being able to manage and maintain ALL the aspects of your home, you are managing an external work load, whether that is as a retail assistant part time or as a doctor working 90 hours a week and probably utilising the help of childcare.

So can we cut it out with the full time mummy/daddy thing now please?

H x

Harriet Shearsmith

My name is Harriet, I am a mama to three wonderful kiddos, living in the North of England - though I'd really rather be in the South where things actually happen. I am a serious purveyor of all things boutique or stylish for children and I have a fundamental need to share this obsession with people on my blog Toby&Roo. I'm addicted to costa caramel lattes and chilli - though not at the same time, obvs. Oh, and I sometimes use the term obvs... sorry about that.

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