Being depressed and just being with it
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It creeps up on you when you least expect it. I can say I am having a difficult time or I am suffering from seasonal affected disorder but for some reason I really struggle to admit I am suffering with depression.
For me to have depression would mean that I am not grateful for the incredible elements of my life that bring me some much joy. My fiery toddler, my loving husband, my supportive friends. I am so lucky to have these people in my life that I feel guilty to be depressed.
I have a great career at a brilliant company which is progressive
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enough to allow me to do a job share so I can spend time with my daughter as well as a wonderful home to come back to every night. So how can I be depressed? I keep coming back to these questions and sinking under the guilt of not being grateful. The nail in the coffin was this afternoon when I was chatting through my emotions with a wonderful new counsellor I have started to see. And she asked me ’how do you feel about being depressed?’ To which I replied ’disappointed in myself’. What a response, how much pressure do I put myself under that I am
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disappointed in myself being depressed
I can make peace with post-natal depression, post-break up depression but I struggle to make peace with this depression. So what am I going to do? Firstly I will stop trying to analyse the why and instead I am going to try and simply be with it. I will stop hiding my emotions under projects, to do lists and social events. I am going to sit with it and acknowledge that the looming threat of redundancy in the first half of next year is scary, that ten months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive baby number two is
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upsetting and that raising a spirited toddler is a constant emotional rollercoaster.
Despite it being completely against my nature, I am going to start doing nothing, being quiet, being still, being at one with my thoughts no matter how dark and upsetting they may be. And then maybe I will be able to geniunely come out the other side a bit brighter. Instead of busying myself out of depression as I have done in the past.
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Sally - 27 Nov 17
It creeps up on you when you least expect it. I can say I am having a difficult time or I am suffering from seasonal affected disorder but for some reason I really struggle to admit I am suffering with depression.
For me to have depression would mean that I am not grateful for the incredible elements of my life that bring me some much joy. My fiery toddler, my loving husband, my supportive friends. I am so lucky to have these people in my life that I feel guilty to be depressed.
I have a great career at a brilliant company which is progressive enough to allow me to do a job share so I can spend time with my daughter as well as a wonderful home to come back to every night. So how can I be depressed? I keep coming back to these questions and sinking under the guilt of not being grateful. The nail in the coffin was this afternoon when I was chatting through my emotions with a wonderful new counsellor I have started to see. And she asked me ‘how do you feel about being depressed?’ To which I replied ‘disappointed in myself’. What a response, how much pressure do I put myself under that I am disappointed in myself being depressed
I can make peace with post-natal depression, post-break up depression but I struggle to make peace with this depression. So what am I going to do? Firstly I will stop trying to analyse the why and instead I am going to try and simply be with it. I will stop hiding my emotions under projects, to do lists and social events. I am going to sit with it and acknowledge that the looming threat of redundancy in the first half of next year is scary, that ten months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive baby number two is upsetting and that raising a spirited toddler is a constant emotional rollercoaster.
Despite it being completely against my nature, I am going to start doing nothing, being quiet, being still, being at one with my thoughts no matter how dark and upsetting they may be. And then maybe I will be able to geniunely come out the other side a bit brighter. Instead of busying myself out of depression as I have done in the past.
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