BEING MUM. EST. FEBRUARY 2013

SARAH TOPPING - 4 Mar 16

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, but I’m a mum every day. I’m not the same mum, day in, day out though. I’m certainly not the same mum I was when, for example, Zach was newborn, or weaning or just turned one and starting nursery, when I’d never felt guilt like it and didn’t think I’d ever stop crying. These days I’m much (slightly) more resilient and better able to deal with The Guilt. I’ve been pondering all this in the run-up to Mother’s Day and reckon these are just some of the ways I’ve been and am mum.

DAZED AND CONFUSED MUM
*suddenly snaps awake* ‘What’s that noise? Where am I? What’s going on? Is that a baby crying somewhere in the building? Whose baby is that? Oh . . . it’s my baby . . .’ Hauls self out of bed for the fifth time that night, stubs foot in the dark, thinks sweary, rage-filled thoughts about deep-sleeping husband. Stumbles into nursery, picks up crying baby, who nuzzles deep into my neck. I love you so much little one, but I wish you loved sleep as much as I do.

I CAN DO IT ALL MUM
These kind of days are, I think, directly related to if there’s been a good night’s sleep or not. I vividly remember the feeling of when Zach slept through the night for the first time; it’d been such a long time coming I thought it never would. I just felt so different, refreshed, wide-eyed, no longer bone-achingly tired. I felt as if I could leap out of bed and achieve so much that day; a night’s sleep wasn’t just enough, it was everything. I can’t remember specifically, but I suspect I didn’t actually leap out of bed, being the opposite of a morning person, sleep or not.

I CAN’T DO IT ALL MUM
I only have the one kid, and of course, with two or more everything is harder work; there’s more to do and worry about with even less sleep and time to yourself. But it’s still the case that nothing can prepare you for the shock and surprise of your firstborn, this tiny, helpless bundle for whom you are entirely responsible. I hadn’t counted on the fact I would be in a lot of pain after his birth, and coupled with no sleep and a sense of everything being surreal, those first few weeks now feel like an absolute blur. Some days were so hard I would sit in coffee shops and just cry with the exhaustion of it all, but it got easier (see point two).

GUILTY MUM
Ahh, The Mum Guilt, isn’t it the worst? Should I leave him at nursery and go off to work? Am I doing the right thing? Yes, yes and yes, but it’s so hard when there are tears and clinging and a train I must catch. Being Guilty Mum is inextricably linked with being Shouty Mum; on those mornings when he will not let me dress him, screams when I brush his hair and teeth, declares he doesn’t LIKE his socks and will NOT go to nursery, occasionally enough is enough and there is shouting. The guilt lingers long after it’s stopped, and it’s horrible. I try very hard not to be shouty mum, but we all have a limit. But did I feel guilty tonight when I spent all of five minutes making his pasta with peas and pesto as I ate my dinner (cereal) whilst standing at the hob? I did not. He likes it; it’s been a busy day, he declared it ‘Yum’. That’ll do.

LUCKY MUM
This is one thing that will never change. I am lucky to be a mum. I have never assumed or taken for granted that I could have kids, and every day I feel lucky he is here. On Sunday, I will feel lucky and proud to receive a card with ‘Mummy’ written on the front, and lucky to have such a lovely, kind, wonderful mum of my own.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing mums out there. May it be a national day of lie-ins across the land for mums everywhere. It’s the dream . . .

(Image credit Alexander and Pearl)

SARAH TOPPING

Sarah Topping is a freelance creative copywriter at Playing with Words and former copywriter at Penguin Children's. Her clients include Pottermore from J.K. Rowling, Enid Blyton Entertainment, BBC Worldwide, Puffin Books and World Book Day. Sarah lives in London with her husband Adam and their sons Zachary and Jonah, who rock (and rule) their world. In between freelancing, she writes children’s stories and blogs about motherhood in all its guises, from the magic and joy to the potty training, tantrums and tripping over toys (pass the wine!). @SarahTopping3

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