Boys aren’t that simple actually

Julia Cahill - 10 May 16

As a mum of three boys I have encountered many people over the years saying to me “oh, you’re lucky, boys are so much simpler than girls.” Not having daughters I obviously cannot perform any sort of empirical experiment but from observation alone the statement seems to me both reductive and simplistic. Admittedly it is usually ladies of a certain age who tell me this, those who perhaps had sons two or even three decades ago when the world was undoubtedly less complex and gender roles strictly delineated.

My three boys are each their own person. And not one of them would I call simple. My middle one is laid back on the whole but quick to anger if he feels wronged. My oldest and youngest take everything at face value, mistaking jokes often for a slight. Taking things personally and to heart,  I was always led to believe was a female trait and not necessarily a positive one. It makes for a bumpy road, that’s for sure. I admit I probably always thought most boys had a thicker skin than most girls. But I think to categorise essential qualities as either male or female in this day and age oversimplifies human beings as a whole.

Take my eldest son and my niece for example. They are very similar despite living on opposite sides of the world and in vastly different environments. They both tend to see things in black and white. They are heart-led and feel everything keenly. Change upsets them in the extreme, but they are both quick to adapt and, as they give things their all, when life is going well they are a joy to be around. The opposite is true when circumstances change; a wide berth is required to allow them recovery time.

When we last visited my family, my sister in law requested that we said our farewells the night before we left in order to get the emotional turmoil over and done with.  Otherwise, she said, the whole day would be ruined for my niece (and those around her). My son cried with me as we drove away the next morning, desperately sad he hadn’t spent every minute he could with his cousin.

I understand though what people mean by simple when it comes to boys; they mean straightforward and up-front with opinions or grievances. At my junior school there was a corridor called the ‘duffy passage’ where the boys loos were situated. It was traditionally the place where differences were sorted out; a swift left-hook later and all would be forgotten. It is no longer acceptable for boys to say to each other ‘outside, now!’ Rather, they are encouraged to delve deep and analyse their feelings, coming up with benign and thoughtful solutions, traditionally thought to be the province of girls. They can though, and often do in my experience, bottle things up as much as girls, not wanting to rock the boat or be the centre of attention. In my son’s case, he has endured difficulties alone, unwilling to get others into trouble.

Children across the board are encouraged, in fact almost expected, to have in their armoury self-knowledge and the ability to negotiate their way through troubles. Sometimes it seems they are required to display understanding beyond their years. Thankfully it seems schools are teaching this more and more to children regardless of gender. We can only hope that it will stand them in good stead in terms of future friendships, workplace relationships and romantic encounters.

I think the most important aspect of these expectations in children is the attention paid to teaching them the value of respect and consideration for others. To reduce our boys to their physicality alone may once have been the case, but to believe that now seems to me rather short-sighted and simply another way of maintaining the gender gap we are all so keen to see closed.

Julia Cahill

Freelance writer and blogger originally from Scotland now living in Sydney with husband and three sons. Interests include reading, yoga, meditation, cooking and eating out. Committed to the search for a balanced life, still searching! I blog about life at www.juliacashillswords.com

View profile for posts, events and more info