Breakfast chaos

Catherine Evans - 6 Sep 19

Are you finished eating, sweetheart? Would you like a little more? Drink your milk with both hands, Tiddly. No, no don’t get distracted… two hands. Come on then, let’s zoot upstairs and get you dressed. I really should put you in the bath, shouldn’t I? You skipped your bath last night… oh well you’ll do another day, I suppose. Leave the lego alone, pumpkin. I said leave the lego alone! When you had Rory over to play you didn’t want to go near it. Why is it suddenly so attractive? Two hands, Rom, I said two hands. Come on. Upstairs with you. Pyjamas off. Now where’s the clean pile of stuff I brought up yesterday? Shoot, where is it? No, I definitely said shoot. Ah here they are. Right. Jump into these, there’s a good girl. And put these trews on, it’s cold out there. No, you can’t go to nursery in shorts. That’s just ridiculous. You’ll catch your death! Just put these on. I know best. Yes I do. Because I say so. Not the ballet shoes! They’ll get absolutely wrecked and your feet will get soaked. You can’t wear a dress, sweetheart… they’re all in the wash. The princess dress is no good either, you’ll freeze. Ok, ok, FINE! you can wear the princess dress over the trousers. Now come and brush your teeth. Leave that lego alone! If you don’t brush your teeth they will all rot and fall out and the tooth fairy won’t want them. Why on earth would she want to build a castle with rotten teeth? Fine. Yes, you can do them yourself. Just make sure you get the ones at the back. I said get the ones at the back. Give me that toothbrush. Just give it here. [BIG INTAKE OF BREATH]. One, two three… OK. Just let me brush your teeth, I’ll be ever so gentle. I did NOT hurt you, don’t be such a whinger. FINE! Absolutely no chocolate, or pudding, or anything with sugar in it until I know those gnashers have had a good scrub. Good, good, now rinse. A good smoosh. Good girl. Where the in the flipping h is the hairbrush? You’re just a living tangle… Downstairs? Are you sure? Come on then, let’s go and find it. No. Lego. Leave. Alone! Leave it, kiddo, just leave it. Right, I’ll race you. I’m going to beat you, yes I am, yes I am… haha! You won, well done. Drink it with both hands, Tiddly. I said both hands. Now where’s that brush? Do you want plaits today? Yes? Tell you what, I’m going to have to cheat and bung it in one big ponytail. Bob Marley’s got nothing on you. Come and sit here and let me do it. No you can’t watch the Octonauts now. Leave that iPad alone! I’m going to change the flipping code. Yes I will. Or hide the wretched thing. We have to be at nursery in three minutes which will mean breaking some kind of land speed record. No you can’t have the brush. FINE! You brush my hair really quickly then I’ll brush yours. Right, it’s my turn now. Hey, that’s not fair, it’s my turn. I won’t hurt you. I’ll be really quick and careful, and besides, we’re just going to cheat today and bung it in a scrunchie. Come back here! Daddy! Come and help me, we’ve created a monster. Two hands, sweetheart. I said two hands! Oh SHOOT…

Catherine Evans

Catherine Evans is the author of 'The Wrong'un', a novel about a dysfunctional working class family, Editor of www.pennyshorts.com, a website which publishes short stories of all genres from authors around the world, and a book reviewer. She lives in Oxfordshire with her husband and daughter. She also has three stepdaughters who have all flown the nest.

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