Breaking the Camel’s Back

Cat Strawbridge - 22 Feb 18

I want to start this by saying I consider myself a strong, confident, capable individual.

In reality it was a pretty unremarkable day but at the time it felt like the sky was falling in. Most of the issues revolve around our holiday, and I guess that’s where the story starts. I say holiday, a more appropriate title would be a Getting-over-a-negative-ivf-result-moon. Hmm, catchy.

Firstly, I had the inevitable shed load of work to do before going away.

Next, I needed a bikini wax. First world problems right. But necessary nonetheless. This hasn’t been a life priority for me lately so last minute holiday = last minute holiday prep.

Appointment secured, I abandon my cooking lunch and jump in the car for the 10 min journey. 5 mins in, my car bonnet is smoking. Only just but I can see it.*

Bikini wax done, tick!

I convince myself the car smoke was in fact someone else’s exhaust (I was stopped behind someone at the traffic lights when I noticed it) and I’m now lunchless so I make a rare detour to the golden arches. Trapped in the single lane drive thru I realise my mistake. Not only for my bikini body(!) but also because the bonnet is now definitely smoking. Panic starts to set in. The anticipation of being the individual who turns the drive thru into the no thru is all it takes to tip me over the edge, especially with the fast growing queue of hungry drivers behind me.

AA card in hand, I somehow manage to keep myself together and do a drive by of the drive thru making it out the other end.

Clutching the wheel, tears streaming down my face I beg the car to just get me home. It does.

Next issue. I’ve missed a delivery – much needed holiday outfit. Life or death I know. Left outside in the rain there’s no date or time on the card. I’m not even sure it’s current. Apparently, it’s in the porch. I look in the 1.8m by 0.8m space, no sign.

Writing this down now I wonder what my problem was. It seems like a relatively uneventful lunch hour. But living it, with everything else going on right now, it felt more like a disaster movie. The finale, for now, was me sobbing inconsolably down the phone to one of my sisters. I cried enough tears to make both Ella Fitzgerald and Justin Timberlake proud.

At this point I remind you what I said at the beginning. I consider myself a strong, confident, capable individual. But right now, I think my water butt is full. Have you heard the water butt analogy? You can fill it to the brim, carefully controlling the level to stop it from overflowing. Inevitably though you have to let some of the water out of the tap at the bottom, otherwise it will just take one drop to make it overflow.

On this day in particular my water butt was at bursting point. Since our negative IVF result I haven’t had much of a chance to release any of the water. On top of the grief, comes working two jobs (a short lived but inevitable reality of change within a small organisation***). Then there’s the 2 weeks of athlete’s foot, brought on by stress and possibly the low immunes of the IVF drugs (I genuinely have not been anywhere barefoot to have picked it up). Next, a minor in size, significant in bite irritation, flea infestation – keeping it real. Our cat chose now, the first time in over 3 years, to bring some friends home for a play date. FFS.

When you’re already broken it doesn’t take much.

Needless to say, I made it through the day. Parcel located – note to delivery guy, the garage is not the porch. My mechanic quick-fixed my car for now.** I even managed to escape the cat’s afternoon vet appointment with a not too significant bill. The work went on into the night but it got done, it had to.

I wanted to write this post because the mental health implications of infertility are often kept hidden but the reality is they are huge. For fear of boring you, I say again that I consider myself a strong, confident, capable individual but infertility is beyond hard and I put my hand up, some days I really find myself struggling. If you are dealing with it, reach out, talk to people. You are not alone.

*I have a seemingly irrational anxiety of cars breaking down. In reality I have had a number of cars break down on me but the irrational comes in with my level of anxiety around it. It’s a car and it can be fixed or replaced. I have AA cover that will pick me up anywhere, even if the car I’m in that breaks down isn’t mine. I guess anxiety is about control not cars.
**Aware of my break down anxiety I make it my business to have a friendly, reliable mechanic on hand. If you live in the South Cambridgeshire area I can highly recommend Mick Gilhooly.
***This is not a criticism, I love my job(s).

If you have had similar feelings because you are dealing with fertility issues please don’t hesitate to contact me @tryingyears on Instagram. I’m working with Fertility Network UK to help break the stigma around fertility. Please go and give them a follow on instagram too and be part of the movement that will help #breakthesilence.

Cat Strawbridge

Cat and her husband have been trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 6 years of their 10 year relationship. Following her second IVF miscarriage in 2015 they decided to take time off from seeking assisted help and focus on themselves and their relationship - along with a bit of natural 'trying' here and there! This was time well spent because their fertility treatment had taken their confidence, self esteem, savings, jobs and most importantly their passion, -for everything. Now, feeling back on top (mostly) Cat is working with Fertility Network UK to help break the taboo of fertility so that the 1 in 6 people who are dealing with it don't feel ashamed or alone in their journey. Cat and Bob are still trying for their family although have recently received a negative result from a recent round of IVF. The choice now is to keep trying or to stop and accept a life without children.

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