Bye Bye Toxic Friends

Jess Helicopter - 9 Sep 21

I am a pretty happy person by nature. I like to make other people laugh. I love to have fun. I like to be surrounded by fun, silly, lovely people. So I hoped that by the time I got to 40 I’d have eliminated toxic relationships from my life. People who don’t make me feel good about myself. But somehow, I managed to get there and still be plagued by relationships that didn’t feel good. That was about to change.

It seems however much I craved the company of fun and silly… I also seemed to attract self-centred, egotistical, and selfish people too. Don’t get me wrong, I know like can attract like! I am the first to admit that I can dominate a conversation with ME ME ME! I know I come across as conceited with my selfies and relentless self-promotion on Instagram! But I would hope that friends know me well enough to know that it’s mostly tongue-in-cheek.

But I finally started to realise that often (but OBVS not always) the most fun and exciting people to be around were the ones who erred on the side of too much self-loving. And it’s SO easy and exciting to get swept up in their charm, charisma, and insatiable thirst for fun, before seeing that the reality of that friendship is an emotional one-way-street.

I spent years in therapy trying to figure various things out. I’ve held onto things for years, without understanding why…and feeling ashamed at not being able to let go until I’ve been able to see things from a different perspective. Being a mother, growing in maturity and being more confident has helped me do just that.

I’ve learnt that being accused of being “over”-sensitive or a “drama queen” are not helpful criticisms. I think about things a lot more than perhaps I should, and I am a sensitive person but dismissing my feelings means that the person whose words have hurt me, is not acknowledging it. It’s passing the buck. I am not over sensitive. I am just sensitive.

Sometimes relationships just get stuck. Especially ones which developed when you were young. I’m referring to friends you possibly made in school or Uni. Friends who knew you when you were young, silly and impressionable. What worked then doesn’t necessarily work now. What you would put up with then, you won’t tolerate now. And of course, as adults our priorities change.

Because it’s one thing to be in school or the student’s union with your friend cancelling on you last minute “for a better offer” or bringing someone who hates you along to the gig or just generally changing plans to suit their needs regardless of yours. But it’s quite another thing to put up with it when you’re a mum of small kids who barely has time to grab a coffee / a glass of wine once a week.

You realise time is precious and you want to spend with people who care about you. Not ones who feed you bullshit about how much they love you and then ignore you for weeks. People who only contact you when they have problems and rarely ask how things are going in your life. Or people who gaslight you into believing that you are moody and needy because you’re upset that it’s the 10^th time in a row they’ve cancelled on you. One ex friend used to call me a “little black cloud in a dress”. She convinced me I was the one with the problem. It took years to realise that every time I felt angry and hurt by her behaviour, I was justified.

So in my 40’s I realised I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t have friendships where I don’t feel 100% happy. I don’t have the time or the emotional capacity. I need all my love for people who I love and who truly love me. People who understand me putting my family first. Who aren’t flaky and non-committal. I’ve stopped holding onto relationships for the nostalgia, stop holding on for the 5 minutes of giggles in an hour of fights. And I am the happiest I’ve been in years.

Jess Helicopter

Jess is a wine-addled, social media tart, feminist (does this need to be said?!) and chronic over sharer. She lives in Cardiff with her husband, children and some cats. Half heartedly trying to carve out a career by fancying herself as a bit of writer.

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