Can I ask you a question?

Ohhsomummy - 5 Mar 18

Motherhood is hard from the start. It’s almost like you are slapped in the face with it straight away. You find out you are pregnant then BOOM heres 6 weeks of constant “morning” sickness (that lasts ALL DAY), not being able to eat, sleep or even drink water without becoming completely overwhelmed by the sudden need to get to the bathroom. A common theme for me with all four of my pregnancies was extreme nausea as well as a HUGE inability to sit in a car. My head would legit spin and I would have to hang out of the window, pretty much. I also remember always having a cold for what felt like months of my pregnancies. I was told while you are pregnant there is nothing you can take so you just have to tough to out. Like you’re not dealing with enough already?!! Then there’s the heartburn. I really have an extraordinarily large hatred for heartburn. I don’t know if it’s just me but I can never get rid of it. Is it not the most annoying thing to experience?! Of course theres also the anticipation at each scan, doctors appointment or hospital visits. The feelings that you get in your pregnancy are feelings that you probably have had before. Theres this new fear that accompanies the anticipation. You are growing a tiny human…. an actual person!!!! You go from being responsible for no one but yourself, to then having this beautiful baby that you created that will be relying on you to meet every single need he or she will have. Sometimes it will be obvious what your baby wants and sometimes you may take hours trying to work it out.
Before you take that test you are you. As soon as you know you are pregnant you are a mum before anything else.  This was how I looked at it in my first pregnancy. Everything changes and you have to reassess most of your lifestyle choices. Somethings you need to cut out altogether and then there are those that you just need to adjust to make sure your baby is safe. Theres so much pressure that comes with having a baby. Some of that comes from others, some comes along with the new life you made and then there’s that big, fat, heavy load of it that we, as mothers, put on ourselves. That starts when you are pregnant and will probably never go away.
All of those things that I just mentioned, (there was a lot more that I thought..!!!), had me thinking about the impact becoming a mum can have on us women mentally. Some women may cope with the change perfectly fine, and some may struggle but then there are the time where it becomes too hard to handle on your own.

When I have my 3rd son I felt completely fine. I had struggled with fluctuating moods my whole life and had experienced some really low times but I was so happy. I had three handsome boys and I felt like I was doing great. I didn’t feel attached to my baby in an overwhelming way while I was pregnant but this didnt concern me too much as I had 2 children already and as soon as they were born I was instantly connected.

A few months after my son was born I was really struggling. I was isolated, lonely and I was really struggling to function in the way that I needed to for my kids. The best word for me to explain how I felt was SAD. I just felt sad. I woke up sad, I went to sleep sad… I just couldnt shake the feeling of complete sadness. I felt hopeless. I hated myself. I was scared. It got to much. At this point I had to get help before it was too late. I spoke with the doctor and I ended up going to hospital.
I was devastated that I was away from my kids but because my baby was 5 months old he was able to come with me and I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. I felt completely selfish and ashamed of myself. My innocent baby was taken away from all he knew and stuck in this space with just me.

I spent 5 months in the hospital with my baby. I saw some women come and go and I also saw some that would take a little longer to recover. It was really hard because what I was experiencing felt like nothing compared to what they were going through. I had witnessed some really sad things and I also spoke with some amazing women.

I feel like postnatal depression can affect people in so many different ways. I felt quite lucky because, although I tried to hard to fight it so that I didn’t affect my children, I did get depressed postnatally but I got help. I am a COMPLETELY different person to the person I was then. I have had a beautiful little baby girl since and all my children are happy. My children don’t remember the time mummy went away and im so glad it didnt have a huge impact on them. It really is the hardest thing to talk about and I personally didnt tell anyone but my mum when I was unwell.

I do really feel that if I didn’t go away with my son I wouldn’t be where I am now and I am so proud of that! That experience doesn’t define me and I am really not ashamed to say that it was MY experience!

♡

Ohhsomummy

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